About old diary posts

For now it’ll just be those four posts in the category “old memories”. I have a lot more of them, but i can’t post them. The reason for that is that most of them are part of my life story, which my gender clinic has a copy of. I think i’m going to get in some trouble if i post it online. Once i’m done with treatment there i’ll probably be allowed to post it.

My life story (regarding my gender dysphoria) goes way back into my childhood. I think the first diary post i made was when i was age 9. I don’t know why i wrote diary posts at that age, but i’ve always liked to write things down that may be of use in the future. It’s fun to read how my mind worked as a child, although the wording is absolutely horrible.

I’ll see if i can post more of “old memories”, if anything, that doesn’t upset my gender clinic.

A familiar teenage problem

I went to my general practicioner/doctor today because he wanted to see if my acne had disappeared. Sadly it was not. I said the gel he gave me didn’t work at all. So now he prescribed me some kind of “miracle pills” that supposedly are going to work. I still have my doubts. So far nothing has worked on me. I have tried better skin care, all kinds of facewash that are supposed to get rid of acne and multiple gels. Even used a few pills before that my gp prescribed to me and that didn’t work either.

It’s kind of weird too that acne hits me at this age. I mean, i’m 21, i shouldn’t have to deal with this. Now i have to say i didn’t really have much of it in puberty but i don’t think there’s a correlation here. I honestly think it’s my testosterone levels and stress that caused it. It first started when i attended my new college and i came out to my parents. Coincidence? Yes i do think it is.

According to some transgender friends my acne should clear up relatively fast once i’m on hormones. I sure hope so, because my acne seems to be extremely hard to get rid of. If anything, it’s a last ‘fuck you’ for being a testosterone filled male.

 

Old memories #4 – Acceptance

This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.

Acceptance – date unknown

I woke up with some pretty heavy gender dysphoria this morning, so i’m pretty sure im transgender by now. I mean, i can’t really deny it anymore, the facts keep stacking up in favor of me being it. ‘Normal’ people don’t go great lengths to find information / documentaries and other stuff about transgender people unless they study gender. They also don’t seem to care too much about their gender, whereas i do. Since im all opposite to this, it’s very likely that i am transgender. I still keep denying it every once in a while though. I seek constant confirmation that the feelings of dysphoria i’m having are still there. Sometimes i actively seek my triggers just to feel that confirmation. As an example i stood in front of the mirror asking if i still didn’t see myself in it and if thinking about being female still makes me smile. It still does of course, this isn’t a phase.

This fucking secrecy to my parents is affecting my eating habits a whole lot though and i don’t like it. I get all anxious when i’m eating and they’re around. It’s probably because i’ve been living a lie for god knows how long and they know nothing just going by their daily lives.

I guess the next step would be coming out to my parents. But what if they kick me out and disown me? I sure don’t have a lot of money, so i will never survive if they do. Homo and transphobic jokes from my father and brother aren’t helping either. I fear the worst if were to come out. Maybe i can hide it from them just for a few more years…

Old memories #3 – Slowly accepting myself

This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.

Slowly accepting myself – date unknown

I didn’t go with denial to bed last night which is really great. Today i read an article about rational thinking on the whole transgender questioning problem. In there was something really interesting. They said i had to stop asking myself if i was transgender and instead ask myself why i was cisgender. I tried listing the reasons that i was indeed cisgender but i just couldn’t. All i was writing down was gender roles and normal male biology. I couldn’t think of anything else that could point to me being a normal male. When i listed the reasons for being transgender it was painfully obvious what to write down. When i held both lists next to eachother i noticed that my transgender list was much bigger. So if anything, i’m definitely somewhere on the transgender spectrum.

I was browsing a forum this afternoon and got into an ”ideal mate” thread. They had a link to one of those customize flash games where you can dress up your character. I decided to make a female form of myself just to see how it would turn out. Halfway through my eyes started watering and i’m not sure why, this never happens. I think i saw some truth for a second and my emotions just let go. It felt like this digital female on screen was something i saw myself in.

Old memories #2 – Photobooks and denial

This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.

Photobooks and denial – date unknown

Woke up this morning with that denial feeling again, not sure why this happens almost every morning. I did have a dream where i was a girl, which was kind of weird because usually i’m a genderless and faceless person in my dreams. Today i’m going through photobooks of my youth with my mom and i’m not quite sure what will happen. Will i cry, will i not care or will i find what i was looking for all along, more evidence that something felt off?

So I went through the photobooks with my mom and besides my hands and feet shaking, everything went fine. I wasn’t sure what to feel when my mom kept calling me young man while watching the photos though. One thing i noticed was that the older i get, i laugh less and i get sadder in the pictures as my age progesses.  I almost always look sad or am not laughing in pictures these days too, coincidence? Perhaps. A correlation between the two doesn’t sound too farfetched though.

I went to a D.I.Y. store in the evening with my mom and dad. In the car on the way there these fucking transgender thoughts clouded my mind again and again. I even made an imaginary gun with my hands and wanted to shoot myself, i just couldn’t bear these “dysphoric” feelings anymore. I wouldn’t care if the car just ran into a tree there and then and left me lifeless. I just wanted it to end.

Even in the store it kept going and i kept saying to myself that i probably am transgender and i should eventually tell my parents. But was i really though? That’s still the lingering question on my mind. I got sick in the stomach from these thoughts and i begged my mind to make it stop. I was on the verge of tears while my parents were just shopping away, oblivious that anything could be wrong with me.

A little bit later we went to some fast food shack and my mom ordered some ice cream. Dad kept talking about why i still didn’t have a job and that maybe i should  get a job here. I slowly slipped into my imagination, unaware of my surroundings and everything my dad was saying became some kind of background noise. Don’t you see i’m having an internal conflict with myself here, hello! Of course they didn’t, i’m the master of hiding emotions and i don’t even know why i do it to myself. My parents didn’t see anything wrong so we went home after a while.

I’m still not sure whether i am transgender or not. Why does this have to be so fucking hard. The indecisiveness is literally killing me. I think i’ll be going to bed with denial again tonight.

Diary entry # 13 – A gift from my brother

A gift from my brother

DSC04617A few days ago my brother gave me a gift. Surprisingly enough it was some perfume! He told me he had a perfume company host a party introducing their new line of fragrances at his work. Every guest got a free bottle of perfume and at the end there were a few left, so the employees could have one too. Since my brother doesn’t have a girlfriend yet and my mom doesn’t like perfume, he thought i would like to have it. Today i had a look at what it was all about.

The packaging came with a booklet which had a CD in it and of course the perfume itself. On the CD was nothing too interesting, just some marketing photo’s and a promotional video. The booklet had “look at how awesome we are as a company, please buy our other products too” buzzwords and not much else. The perfume bottle is transparent with a gold looking top where a little crystal is hanging from. According to my brother it’s some moderately expensive perfume if you were to buy it in a store.

Ah yes, the smell. It kind of smells like blossom and a bit of raspberry. I’m not an expert on perfume, so most of them smell the same to me. It’s not a perfume that pierces your nostrils, it’s kind of soft actually and you can’t really smell it unless you’re close by. It has a nice feminine touch to it too, but that is to be expected of a fragrance for women i guess. In the end, i’m very happy with it and i will definitely use it whenever i get the chance.

Old memories #1 – Daydreaming

This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.

Daydreaming – date unknown

I read on some website that daydreaming about your future life could help with these “gender related feelings”. So i closed my eyes and tried imagining myself as a young adult and older adult woman. As a result i got a happy and giddy feeling. When i did the same from the male point of view i got all sad and  i almost had to cry, so that’s something to add to the “I might actually be transgender” pile i guess. When i open my eyes and see my body again, these so called “gender related feelings” start playing up again and my head does some weird twitching, like it’s trying to get rid of these thoughts of being male. I’m quite sure males are not supposed to feel like their body is foreign to them, so am i not a male?

When i try to replicate these feelings of being happy but as a male, i just can’t do it, it just feels so fake. So the feelings i get when i think about being female are probably genuine.

Save the date

Yesterday i e-mailed my tutor asking if she could arrange my coming out of sorts for me, just like she did the last time. Only this time i will tell my whole college class that i’m transgender. So this morning she e-mailed me back that it was fine and that she would send an e-mail to the whole class. In there was the date, time and classroom where i am going to do it. I think it’s very sweet of her to help me like this and i am very thankful for that. So yeah, i’m coming out to my class on May 13th. Of course i will start imagining all the ways it could end badly a week before, which is a bad habit of mine. I’m confident that it will end well, but my body sometimes seems to think otherwise.

Digging around

So i did some digging around files on my computer today, and lo and behold, i actually found diary posts from back when i was questioning and in denial of my gender. There seem to be no dates attached to it so i’m not quite sure when i wrote them. From reading it i think it happened in a span of a few months or so, although some of them are definitely closer to the first diary post on i made on here. I think it’s quite interesting to read about my journey from denial to somewhat accepting myself as transgender, as i had totally forgotten i had written about it. If another trans person were to read it they could probably relate to it, or at least get the feeling they’re not going through this alone. I think i’ll post a few in the weekend or next week.

Diary entry #12 – A whole lot of questions

A whole lot of questions

crushed by questionsSo i went to the gender clinic again today. Not for diagnostics this time, but for some kind of psychological assessment. When i finally entered the clinic, nobody was to be seen in the waiting room. Only the old guy behind the service desk was around. I could almost hear the grasshoppers chirping and see the tumbleweeds rolling around, it really was that quiet and empty. Later on one other transgender person (ftm) came along but apparently he didn’t want to talk with me.

Then i got called by some psychologist who were to do the assessment.  He said i had to fill in quite a bit of paperwork. He too wanted to know some personal stuff first, which is nothing new because everyone there wants me to tell it over and over again. He told me the questions were split into different categories. The categories were personal life, medical history, gender dysphoria and research. The thing is, i was to exclude my experience with gender dysphoria from the categories personal life and medical history. That was kind of hard for me since it plays such a big role in my life.

So we started with the questions on personal life. This was the big one, 120 questions at that. The other categories were smaller he told me. There were questions in there about anything really that has to do with life itself. For example: if i had friends and how many, if i ever thought about suicide and to what gender i was attracted to. There were some really weird ones too, like if i ever thought about killing someone and if i was scared someone could read or implant thoughts into my head. It was fairly obvious to me which questions related to autism, paranoia and schizofrenia. They could be easily detected because i mean really… who the hell is absolutely convinced they can move things with their mind and can recite π for a thousand digits.

He then asked me for an unusual request. “Draw me a human”, he said. Draw me a human… what the hell was this man talking about. “You know, with arms, legs and a head.” I was curious as to why i had to do this but after a while i was like whatever and grabbed the pencil and started drawing something that resembled a human. Of course i got the exquisite drawing skills of a ten year old, so it wasn’t much more than a fleshed out stick figure with hair. He asked me what gender the human was i drawed. I answered with genderless because there weren’t really much discerning characteristics on this human of mine. He seemed fine with that and asked me to draw another one, but this one had to be a boy or a girl. So i drawed something that looked like a girl and he took that too. He didn’t tell me at all what he was going to do with it, although i sure hope he’s not going to overanalyze this.

rorschach testThen i had to do some kind of rorschach test, you know, the one where they show pictures with black and white spots and you tell them what you see. Only this one was with text. So they gave me a few words and i was to finish the sentence with whatever came up in my mind first. Things like: I love […], my mom is […] and i’m feeling […]. The most things that came up first to me was related to stuff with my gender dysphoria, but that makes sense i guess.

We finally went on to do the second category, medical history. I was quite fast filling this in because i don’t really have a lot of medical problems as far as i know. There were lots of questions about physical and emotional pain and if any diseases run in my family. The third category was about my gender dysphoria. There i had to answer some questions about how it influenced my life and if i still wished to change my gender. I also had to rate a lot of body parts (including penis) on a scale of one to five. Five meant that i absolutely hated that part and one meant that i was very happy with it. As you could’ve guessed, i’m not very happy with this male body of mine so most body parts were a four.

But we were not done yet! One category was left, research. This was just for them so some higher up can write a new book about us or something. Questions about how i felt, how being transgender was in general and if it caused any problems in my life were in there. There was also a few questions about genderqueers, so if you felt a little bit inbetween genders. Apparently they are planning to find suitable treatment for them too, which i think is great.

paperworkWe ended the session with him explaining what he was going to do with all this paperwork. He was going to see what results came out of it and then send that to my main psychologist so we can discuss that in the next diagnostic appointment. Whatever the  results may be wouldn’t prevent my treatment so that’s nice to hear. I have to say, sitting there in a room with him for three hours and filling in nearly 500 questions is very tiring. I was actually mentally exhausted after i exited his room and i had no strength left to do much of anything for the rest of the day.