March 7, 2014 – More diagnostics and a welcome surprise
Had my second diagnostic appointment today. I was anxious as usual, but that was to be expected. My psych actually wanted to know my mom’s side of the story today. She had to tell how I was like a child and if there were any noticeable events of gender dysphoria or discomfort. I didn’t really have much to say because I don’t remember a lot from that time period. My mom seemed to think I was kinda in the middle on the subject of playing with toys and friends. Apparently i already hated masculine clothing as a child, which i never knew. What also came to light is that apparently i had ADD in my childhood and my mom never told me. Thanks mom. My psych tried to force questions regarding gender roles onto me, but as always i beat his argument which left him quiet for a bit.
My psych still wants me to start presenting as a girl outside to combat the anxiety it could lead to if i would make the change too fast. I can see why, but damn, it’s still scary. As a homework assignment I needed to make a hierarchy of the fear level of what places i still find scary to present as a girl in. The session ended with me asking about self-medicating. He didn’t seem entirely against it but advised to not do it. In the end he said, you need to decide for yourself how fast you want this to go. So if i would make the change today he would be okay with that i guess.
Surprisingly enough the topic of transgender came up in conversation at college during a research lesson. One girl asked if she could add the option “genderless” to our group survey. The teacher noticed and said “being transgender is the new thing right now, all the cool kids are doing it”. I wanted to punch this guy so fucking hard, but that would lead to definitely outing myself as trans. The same girl thought transvestites and transgender people were the same. I explained to her that this wasn’t true. The teacher asked if I could tell more about transgenderism but I dismissed the idea. The two girls said they had no problem with transgender people and were totally accepting. I could read from the two girls faces that they knew they were hitting an emotional spot with me while talking about this. Although i think I might just have dodged a bullet there. It got me thinking though, maybe I need to tell some more people at college since they do seem accepting.