Diary entry #12 – A whole lot of questions

A whole lot of questions

crushed by questionsSo i went to the gender clinic again today. Not for diagnostics this time, but for some kind of psychological assessment. When i finally entered the clinic, nobody was to be seen in the waiting room. Only the old guy behind the service desk was around. I could almost hear the grasshoppers chirping and see the tumbleweeds rolling around, it really was that quiet and empty. Later on one other transgender person (ftm) came along but apparently he didn’t want to talk with me.

Then i got called by some psychologist who were to do the assessment.  He said i had to fill in quite a bit of paperwork. He too wanted to know some personal stuff first, which is nothing new because everyone there wants me to tell it over and over again. He told me the questions were split into different categories. The categories were personal life, medical history, gender dysphoria and research. The thing is, i was to exclude my experience with gender dysphoria from the categories personal life and medical history. That was kind of hard for me since it plays such a big role in my life.

So we started with the questions on personal life. This was the big one, 120 questions at that. The other categories were smaller he told me. There were questions in there about anything really that has to do with life itself. For example: if i had friends and how many, if i ever thought about suicide and to what gender i was attracted to. There were some really weird ones too, like if i ever thought about killing someone and if i was scared someone could read or implant thoughts into my head. It was fairly obvious to me which questions related to autism, paranoia and schizofrenia. They could be easily detected because i mean really… who the hell is absolutely convinced they can move things with their mind and can recite π for a thousand digits.

He then asked me for an unusual request. “Draw me a human”, he said. Draw me a human… what the hell was this man talking about. “You know, with arms, legs and a head.” I was curious as to why i had to do this but after a while i was like whatever and grabbed the pencil and started drawing something that resembled a human. Of course i got the exquisite drawing skills of a ten year old, so it wasn’t much more than a fleshed out stick figure with hair. He asked me what gender the human was i drawed. I answered with genderless because there weren’t really much discerning characteristics on this human of mine. He seemed fine with that and asked me to draw another one, but this one had to be a boy or a girl. So i drawed something that looked like a girl and he took that too. He didn’t tell me at all what he was going to do with it, although i sure hope he’s not going to overanalyze this.

rorschach testThen i had to do some kind of rorschach test, you know, the one where they show pictures with black and white spots and you tell them what you see. Only this one was with text. So they gave me a few words and i was to finish the sentence with whatever came up in my mind first. Things like: I love […], my mom is […] and i’m feeling […]. The most things that came up first to me was related to stuff with my gender dysphoria, but that makes sense i guess.

We finally went on to do the second category, medical history. I was quite fast filling this in because i don’t really have a lot of medical problems as far as i know. There were lots of questions about physical and emotional pain and if any diseases run in my family. The third category was about my gender dysphoria. There i had to answer some questions about how it influenced my life and if i still wished to change my gender. I also had to rate a lot of body parts (including penis) on a scale of one to five. Five meant that i absolutely hated that part and one meant that i was very happy with it. As you could’ve guessed, i’m not very happy with this male body of mine so most body parts were a four.

But we were not done yet! One category was left, research. This was just for them so some higher up can write a new book about us or something. Questions about how i felt, how being transgender was in general and if it caused any problems in my life were in there. There was also a few questions about genderqueers, so if you felt a little bit inbetween genders. Apparently they are planning to find suitable treatment for them too, which i think is great.

paperworkWe ended the session with him explaining what he was going to do with all this paperwork. He was going to see what results came out of it and then send that to my main psychologist so we can discuss that in the next diagnostic appointment. Whatever the  results may be wouldn’t prevent my treatment so that’s nice to hear. I have to say, sitting there in a room with him for three hours and filling in nearly 500 questions is very tiring. I was actually mentally exhausted after i exited his room and i had no strength left to do much of anything for the rest of the day.

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One thought on “Diary entry #12 – A whole lot of questions

  1. Pingback: A summary of happenings in 2014 | Naominizer

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