Old memories #3 – Slowly accepting myself

This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.

Slowly accepting myself – date unknown

I didn’t go with denial to bed last night which is really great. Today i read an article about rational thinking on the whole transgender questioning problem. In there was something really interesting. They said i had to stop asking myself if i was transgender and instead ask myself why i was cisgender. I tried listing the reasons that i was indeed cisgender but i just couldn’t. All i was writing down was gender roles and normal male biology. I couldn’t think of anything else that could point to me being a normal male. When i listed the reasons for being transgender it was painfully obvious what to write down. When i held both lists next to eachother i noticed that my transgender list was much bigger. So if anything, i’m definitely somewhere on the transgender spectrum.

I was browsing a forum this afternoon and got into an ”ideal mate” thread. They had a link to one of those customize flash games where you can dress up your character. I decided to make a female form of myself just to see how it would turn out. Halfway through my eyes started watering and i’m not sure why, this never happens. I think i saw some truth for a second and my emotions just let go. It felt like this digital female on screen was something i saw myself in.

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