Diary entry #17 – shoes, shoes, shoes

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shoes, shoes, shoes

So i went shoe shopping with my mom yesterday. One of the shoe stores had a pretty good deal. When you bought pair of shoes, you got the next pair for a dollar. We needed new shoes anyway so this was the perfect opportunity.

So we went to the store and surprisingly it wasn’t that crowded, although i could see a few mom’s with kids lugging a lot of shoes to the cash register. I continued into the store, looking around where the women’s section was. It’s always a bit scary walking into the women’s section, especially when i’m in boymode and fitting women’s shoes. I saw some cool sneakers, but there was only one shoe in the box. So i asked the shop assistant to get the other one. He was gone for a good ten minutes so i started wondering what the hell he was doing. It seemed he was searching for the wrong size. He also told me the reason why there was one shoe in the first place. Apparently the popular and expensive shoes get stolen a lot, which is why they put one shoe so stealing has no purpose.

Once i found some sneakers i liked i went on to search for a next pair. Sadly i never fit the shoes in the boots section, they’re usually way too small for my feet. Thank testosterone for making my feet big. My mom had already found her pair of shoes and she decided she wanted the same shoe but in a different color so she could mix and match. I was fine with that and i went on to fit my other pair of shoes. I saw one girl was watching me from a corner, wondering why the hell a guy was fitting women’s shoes. She was wearing the same shoes i was fitting so that was a little awkward. Once again the people at the cash register give zero fucks about what shoes you’re buying so that’s nice. After that i went home with my new two pairs of shoes.

Diary entry #16 – Gatekeeping

Gatekeeping

gatekeepingTwo days ago i went to my gender clinic again. Which is nothing out of the ordinary since i have monthly appointments. But something was a little different this time.

Surprisingly i wasn’t that anxious for this appointment, which is weird since i usually am. I even had to take my parents with me this time. There were quite a few transpeople in the waiting room this time, unlike the last time where it was a barren waste. There even were some transgender children around, which is always nice to see. Then my psychologist came to get me.

He had a surprised look on his face. He had already forgotten that i had to take my parents with me this appointment. I could see he actually wanted it to be one on one this time, but he didn’t say it. It got pretty cramped in the little room we do talking in with now four people in it. He then explained to my dad how treatment was done and how the diagnostics were going. After that he asked my dad to tell him if he noticed anything from my childhood being “gender related”. He told him he noticed that i’m not very skilful at some things, unlike most guys. He’s kind of right though, i have two left hands when it comes to some stuff. Other than that he told him that i was a very emotional child and that i seemed unhappy and introverted at later ages. My mom didn’t have to talk because she already told her side of my childhood a few appointments back.

Then he drawed a staircase, listing a sort of timeline of treatment they do here. At the bottom was signing up at the gender clinic and at the top was sexual reassignment surgery. In between was finding out if the individual had gender dysphoria, telling family and people you’re transgender, presenting as the desired gender and hormone treatment. What happened next i would have never imagined.

I shit you not, he drew a gate with a lock on it on the step before hormone treatment. I asked who had the key to the gate. “I do” he answered. He said to me that unless i already start presenting as female most of the time (outside of my home) he wasn’t going to open that gate. If that isn’t the meaning of the word gatekeeping we transpeople fear so much, i just don’t know anymore. He seemed to see it as a small RLE (real life experience/test) of some sort. He continued to tell me he was going to draw it out for much longer (6mo – 2 years) if i wasn’t going to do it.

I was furious, he’s supposed to help me, not hold me back. They told me i could do it at my own pace, but apparently that’s just blatant lies. Best gender clinic of the world and praised for being most progressive, my ass. It’s about time they ditch RLE and start enforcing WPATH 7. As of now they’re still using 6. They got a lot more shady business going on, but for now i’ll just let it be. Safe to say, i was fucking angry.

But we were not done yet. He wanted to know why i still think presenting as female to the outside world is scary. I told him that i find it really frustrating when i can’t explain to people why i am dressing as female when they happen to see me. When i don’t get a way to explain stuff, they’ll probably think i’ve gone crazy or something. Plus i’ve got some self esteem issues with my appearance which is why i think i am not good enough yet to present as female. I don’t want to be the obvious town tranny or be looked at like i’m some transvestite who lost her mind. He didn’t seem to see that as much of a problem, lots of older people do it just like that. For one thing, i am not old and i’m not going to actively seek to be discriminated.

He continued to tell me lies and trying to hugbox me into presenting. He told me that hormones have the same effect at any age. My mom and i looked at eachother shocked. He noticed and asked why. We both knew it was a lie and when i explained it to him he was backpedalling so hard to twist what he said so he was still right. This isn’t the first time i catch him telling lies and essentially bust him. He probably thinks we’re all stupid people or something and that most will just believe anything he says. It shouldn’t be like that, that you have more knowledge on some aspects of transition than your psychologist does.

We ended the appointment with me asking if he had the results back from the psychological assessment i took a few weeks back. He did not, which is weird because it was almost done already the last time i was there. Anyway, me and my parents walked out and went to get a new appointment schedule. My next one is in july, so i have to wait two fucking months. Angrily i walked out of the gender clinic.

I later heard from other trans friends that apparently this was a new rule they were enforcing. A few months before, you would only have to start presenting for a bit once you were on hormones already. I think i’ll just have to adhere to this bullshit of theirs to get shit done. My psychologist probably expects i have already done quite some things before the next appointment. I fear the worst if i don’t do it. I’ll probably be stuck there forever.

 

Liebster Award

Thanks transdoctor for nominating me! I don’t really know what this Liebster award is all about but i’ll answer the questions i have been given i guess. This way whoever is reading it gets to know me a little bit more.

Liebster Award

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obligatory rule sheet:

So, here are the rules for this award nomination…

1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

3. Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) Once you have written and published it, you then have to:

8. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it.

Here are the 11 questions I need to answer…

1. How many siblings do you have and where did you fit in the birth order?  

I have two older siblings, so i am the youngest. Being last in birth order upped my chances to possibly being gay or trans(?) so i guess i got that handed to me. Being the youngest has some perks but also some downsides.

2. What is your favorite season?  

Spring. I like it when it isn’t really cold or  very warm. A sunny day with a breeze is the perfect thing for me.

3. What superpower would you choose if you could have any one you wanted?

The ability to move things with my mind. Kind of like the force in Star Wars. I would never have to leave my house again.

4. What are you reading (or watching, if you don’t enjoy reading) right now?

I’m watching myself type this sentence right now. In all seriousness, i’m following a documentary series about people with OCD and their journey to get rid of it.

5.  What is your biggest achievement?

Haven’t had that one yet i think. I think going fulltime as female will be my biggest personal achievement.

6.  Someone hands you a dog. What would you name it?  

Max. I’m old fashioned like that.

7. Favorite food?  

Spaghetti.

8.  Do you have any tattoos?  

Nope. Don’t plan to get one either.

9. What song has been stuck in your head most recently?

Space oddity by David Bowie. Ground control to major Naomi!

10.  Do you speak any foreign languages?

English (yeah i’m not a native), french and german. Know a few japanese lines too.

11. How do you relax?

Either playing video games i like or play some relaxing ambient music.

My 11 random facts:

  1. I am a completionist/Perfectionist
  2. I’m pretty well known on one LGBT “forum” under another alias, try to find out who i am 🙂
  3. I plan to write a book in the future
  4. I can build computers
  5. I’m a huge movie buff
  6. I love to write guides
  7. I collect comic books
  8. I get super excited when i order something
  9. I always try to help people when they need it
  10. I still have a stuffed animal laying next to my bed…yeah
  11. If i have something to do i will find a way to procrastinate

My 11 questions for those I have nominated:

  1. What is your favorite city and why?
  2. What is your guilty pleasure?
  3. Is there anything only you think you do?
  4. Do you think you can make change to this world?
  5. You hear your mom calling you from downstairs but you also see your mom standing in her room upstairs and she shakes her head. Which mom do you trust?
  6. If you could spend the rest of your life in a video game, which one would it be?
  7. What is your talent or what are you really good at?
  8. If you could get one statistic of your life, what would it be?
  9. What is your favorite movie genre?
  10. What do you value most in life?
  11. What is your pet peeve?

Well that was it i guess.

I nominate:

Jenny

Phoenix Aria

Yin Xiu Yi

Gin Giles

Gerrytology

But everyone else who follows me can also participate of course!

Diary entry #15 – Coming out at college part deux

Coming out at college part deux

chairsI didn’t sleep that well last night. I knew everything would go well but i just get very nauseous when i’m anxious. It’s not anxiety from telling them, i have no problem telling people what i am. It’s just that i am scared of talking in front of a lot of people. As usual i tried to puke but nothing ever comes out because apparently my stomach does a big cleaning every night leaving me with nothing. I had a few hours to spare so i started to rehearse what i was going to say to the class. By the time i had to go to college i had only eaten half a cracker so i was pretty fucking hungry. Sadly, eating becomes the hardest thing ever when i’m anxious.

When i arrived at college my tutor approached me. “Should we do the same thing as last time” she said. I was fine with that because it seemed to work before. I went to the toilet to do my hair because it totally looked like some hobo hairdo. A girl gotta look good when doing stuff y’know. So i went into the classroom and sat down. My tutor started talking about that a particular someone had to tell something. Everyone started looking at eachother, wondering who it was. Nobody had a clue that it was me.

Then my name got called. I had to stand in front of the class to do my thing. I pretty much said the same things as last time. What i am, what it is and where i was getting treatment. The initial reaction from people was that they were a little shocked since they, unlike my project group, didn’t notice a thing.

Surprisingly not many questions got asked. The usual ones did, but not very deep ones. Me being a bit jokingly about it all lightened up the mood a lot. I could read from some of the girls’ faces that they were happy for me that i told this. After a bit of discussion we ended the “lesson” with me telling them i’m always open for questions if they have them. All in all, i got very positive reactions from people in my class.

I also had some photo’s with me of my “girlmode”. I had promised one girl of my project group that i would show some of them to her. She thought it looked pretty good and she liked my jacket. She asked me why i didn’t go to college like that already. For me it’s still very scary to go out in “girlmode” so i don’t see that happening anytime soon.

I wonder if their reactions will stay the same, since they still need time to let it sink in for a bit. Sadly i only have this class for two more months, after that i get a new class who of course i have to tell too. I have to say this class is the best i’ve ever had. We’ll see what the future holds for me.

Dysphoria #2 – Triggers

Triggers

Now that we somewhat know what dysphoria is, let’s move on to another aspect of it, namely triggers. Triggers are things that essentially “activate” the dysphoria. Those triggers can be anything really, ranging from daily activities like putting on your clothes to just hearing your own voice. Triggers are in most cases not the same for every transgender person, so what one might find triggering, the other could handle easily. Although we do usually have a few triggers in common, one of them being the jealousy or envy of the opposite gender.

Over the years i’ve learned what my triggers are so i know how and when to avoid them. Of course i can’t always avoid them so my day is pretty much ruined when i do hit one. A weird thing is that i can actually sense when a trigger “activates”. My head starts twitching every few seconds and i can feel myself getting sadder because the corners of my mouth curl downward. If i keep seeing the trigger or keep being in the vicinity of it, i’ll eventually get very nauseous and will start crying. I’m not sure if other transgender people experience the same as me when a trigger activates, because apparently talking about your triggers is a very personal and emotional thing.

I’ll list some of my own triggers with a little explanation here:

  • My male clothing. I don’t like the look and feel of it and it makes me look bulky and broad. If i stare too long at it i get very sad.
  • Females my age. Mainly due to the jealousy because they have everything i never had and i will never look that good. If i see a girl that i might as well have been were i originally born a girl, my dysphoria spirals me right back into depression.
  • Young or pretty transgender people. Young ones because they did get a chance at a childhood i never had. Pretty ones because i know i just don’t have the genetics or facial characteristics to be the same.
  • My body hair. Touching it sends a chill down my spine. Seeing more beard hair grow on my face every day is very frustrating.
  • My genitalia. I think this one is pretty straightforward, it’s just not supposed to be there.
  • When talking about feminine topics and i can’t participate. If someone talks about pregnancy or periods you might as well shoot me.

I’ve got  a lot more of them, but the above are the big ones, my other other triggers affect me a lot less.

Dysphoria #1 – What is it?

What is it?

Ah yes, dysphoria, the shadow that has been following me all my life. It’s the one thing that makes me hate my own gender. For the people not familiar with gender dysphoria, i’ll explain a bit.

It’s a feeling of extreme emotional and mental discomfort with your gender. It’s like your own body is betraying you by making you into someone you are not. It’s a contstant and tiring headache that keeps eating away at you. It’s not being able to recognize yourself. It’s not being able to identify with the people of the same gender. It’s a constant reminder that something is wrong. It’s a feeling that nothing will ever be okay and whatever you do will never be enough. It’s extreme jealousy of the opposite gender. It’s looking in the mirror with disgust. It’s being prone to depressive and suicidal thoughts. And it’s a lot more negative things.

This is still a small description as gender dysphoria is a relatively broad term when looked at the personal manifestations. The above description is my personal description so it’s not the same with all transgender people. That’s why it’s hard to put gender dysphoria into words.

Diary post #14 – “I have a daughter”

“I have a daughter”

mom of the yearMy mom always wanted to have a daughter. During pregnancy she didn’t want to know what gender i was because she was sure i was a girl. It felt different from the pregnancies of my two brothers, so i had to be a girl she said to me. Could my mother have felt the feminization of my brain in the womb? Perhaps. She was not wrong though, i am a girl, but just packaged a little different.

Now that i’ve come out to my mom for a while she wants to spend some quality mother-daughter time to make up for the lost years. I can imagine it must have been hard for her, being in our family of four males, without a way to share feelings and stuff with a daughter. That’s why she loves shopping and doing other girly things with me now i guess. Sometimes she just stares at me and i ask why she does that. “My little boy is slowly slipping away and becoming my daughter and that’s a wonderful thing to see” she often says.

I can kind of see why she says that. I look nothing like the pictures of me hanging around the house anymore. That guy in the pictures looks like he never was part of this family. As if some random guy just decided to join the family photo. I can’t see that i was ever this guy, but that makes sense i guess, since my gender dysphoria ensures that i have a disconnect with myself in pictures and in the mirror.

My mom gets so overjoyed when she gets to call me Naomi, lady, woman or daughter. A few days ago she met a friend from highschool. She told her “I have a daughter and two sons”. The woman was none the wiser because she didn’t know what children my mom has. While she was telling me that story yesterday she just lighted up and started smiling. It’s so sweet to see that.

I wonder how this will progress in the future. She already can’t wait to do stuff with my hair once it’s a little bit longer and my hair reminds her of her own mom’s hair. She also can’t wait till i go on hormones so we can start bra shopping. She’s so sweet for accepting and supporting me through all of this.

I love you mom.