As you’ve probably noticed, i haven’t really posted anything in a while. Not because i’m bored with this website already, but i just didn’t have much time lately to write lengthy posts. I still need to turn in some assignments and redo one exam and then i’ll be finished with college. So you can expect to see more blogposts in july. Plus i’ve got another appointment at my gender clinic coming up so we’ll see how that goes. I’ve also been reading Keira’s 30 day trans challenge and that seemed interesting so maybe i’ll do something like that too.
Summer is coming up. Most people only think of good things when the summer comes, nice and warm and usually the time you go on vacation. I used to think the same but this year is different. This is the first summer where i sort of have to present as a girl in. Of course i could choose not to, but that would very likely upset my therapist and hurt my progress.
Sadly, women have some kind of competition of who can show the most skin with their clothes in the summer. This causes a bit of a problem for me when i go out as a girl. Curves are pretty nonexistent on my body right now, so showing too much skin would definitely draw some attention. I don’t really have a summer wardrobe yet either. All i’ve got right now is a few tops and shirts and two women’s shorts. Going out in a full winter outfit would be a bit awkward. So yeah that’s a bit of a dilemma.
In the summer my dysphoria also seems worse than in other seasons. It’s most likely because girls are wearing short clothes and showing off more of the body i don’t have. Maybe one day i’ll just wear those clothes as carefree as they do.
Showing myself to the world
I went out in girlmode for the first time today. I had told my mother the day before that i wanted to do it, so she was jokingly pushing me a little bit to convince me to take that step out of the door. I just couldn’t find a good outfit to do it in. I spent the next three hours changing clothes until i found something i liked. It sucks that i’m my own worst critic and that other people will see me as a girl way before i do. My dad also started wondering what took me so long, so he jokingly said that i behaved like a woman. So after a while i was done with it all (including make-up, can’t forget that 🙂 ) and decided to finally go outside in all my feminine glory.
I took a step out of my garden, into the neighbourhood. It was a little weird that i didn’t feel anxious but only just a little uncomfortable. I also tend to analyze my surroundings so i was already looking where people could possibly see me from (windows, from a car etc.). I continued walking until i saw a woman working in her garden. A lot of ‘what if’s’ were going through my head there and then. When i came near the woman, she said hello to me. I thought to myself, fuck what do i do, if i use my voice i’ll scare that woman. Luckily my mom was with me to do the talking so to the rescue she came.
We walked for a while until i saw two rough looking dudes on a bike coming my way. I said to my mom i wanted to jump away or something but she told me to keep walking. I passed them without any trouble. I didn’t hear any laughing or talking about me either when i looked back. Apparently they just saw an ordinary girl taking a walk with her mom or something. I also saw a cute girl on a bike coming my way but she didn’t bat an eye when she passed me. Maybe i’m just being paranoid about this all.
The rest of the walk we saw more people on bikes, but just as all the others, no reaction. I think i’m making this a much bigger problem than it actually is and that i actually pass better than i think i do. I did feel a sense of being a fraud or an impostor when walking though. As if i’m less of a girl than other girls and i’m just some weird dude in women’s clothes. I know that is not true of course, but it’s hard to shake the feeling of being a fake when you have lived as a male for 21 years.
Well that was the end of this little quest of mine. I think the next step would be going into town and see what happens. Now i’ll just have to see when i want to do that.