Diary entry #19 – Shopping and triggers

Shopping and triggers

shopping bagsI went shopping near a beach today with my parents. Something occured to me though when i was getting ready to go there. Somehow going out as a guy is giving me more anxiety then when i go out as a girl now. I realize i’m starting to hate going out as a guy and just want to drop this act of “i’m just a regular guy”. It makes sense though, at home i’ve been “girlmode” for nearly 9 months now. The difference is just getting too big between who i really am at home and who i have to be outside. I want to break free.

Anyway, back to the shopping. I bought some cool shirts and a small bag because the bag i already have at home is pretty fucking huge. I ain’t gonna lug that thing around when doing stuff you don’t need a bag for that could fit a tent. My dad also had a “are you two girls serious (my mom and i)” face going on when we were going into pretty much every clothing shop there was.

Seeing as it is summer, and pretty much everyone is wearing short clothes, my dysphoria likes to be extra strong. Some of this i already wrote about.

So I walked to the beach and all i could feel was anger. All those girls in bikini’s there made me extremely jealous. I tend to end up in a vicious self hate circle during those times. A few examples. Why can’t i just be a normal girl? Why do i have to go through all this bullshit to be myself? Why do i of all people have to be transgender? Why didn’t i tell my parents earlier? I fucking hate myself. I almost had a panic attack right there because of all the triggers around me. If i wouldn’t have gone away there quickly i probably would have curled up in a ball and started crying.

Luckily this day wasn’t all shit and misery. When i came back home i tried on my new shirts (yeah… i bought them on instinct). As it turns out i do actually have some curves on this male body of mine. Or at least, the shirt makes it look that way. It kind of made me happy to see something that resembled a girl in the mirror for once. Made me realize that yeah, perhaps i can be a normal girl one day.

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