Diary entry #20 – To a shop as a girl

To a shop as a girl

shopping girlsYesterday i went to a shop in town with my dad. I was already girlmode at home so i thought eh.. what the hell, i might as well go as a girl to the shop. As usual, i get anxious when preparing to go out in girlmode. But once i was on my bike and on the way to the shop i felt some weird sense of peace. You could say i felt like “myself” for the first time in my life, and not this fake male i’ve been putting up with the last two decades.

I’m also looking less at people to see if they notice me the more i go out in girlmode. Also i start to care less and less what people think of me.

Once we were in the store i noticed my reflection in a mirror and thought i looked pretty bad. I’m a perfectionist after all, and as of now i only look somewhat decent in girlmode. However, decent is not enough for me. Anyway, nobody seemed to think i wasn’t a girl or they just didn’t care. The only thing that bothered me was my dad constantly asking me stuff so i had to use my voice. I don’t like using my “man voice” and if i use it in girlmode it makes it pretty obvious i’m a dude.

I didn’t want to wait for my dad to pay for his stuff i went outside. There were a lot of people outside so i just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. I biked home alone because i can’t deal with large crowds yet, especially in girlmode. After my dad got home he was worried i got kidnapped or something. I had not thought my dad could be that worried when i suddenly disappeared. Made me remind myself that transgender people are prone to hate crimes.


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