Diary entry #21 – Girlmode all the way

Girlmode all the way

passToday i had an appointment with my therapist, which you guys may know as that dude that likes to gatekeep me. Last time he asked me to go outside as a girl more, otherwise he wasn’t going to give me hormones in a thousand years. Of course i practiced a bit outside in girlmode, which you know if you have read my previous posts ;). So i decided to go in girlmode to my therapist. Mind you, he’s located in the capital city, while i live pretty far away from there.

I had already laid down the clothes i wanted to wear the day before. I didn’t want to stand hours in front of my wardrobe deciding what to wear. I wore a pretty simple “summer” outfit: shirt, sneakers and skinny jeans. I also straightened my hair and put on some makeup.

After i thought everything looked alright, we (my mom and my brother) biked to the train station. It was pretty crowded for whatever reason. I was kind of anxious because i don’t like crowded spaces that much and i was hungry as hell. After a while the train came and we stepped in. Luckily the train conductor was nowhere to be found, otherwise i had some explaining to do. I don’t look like the picture on my train card anymore (used to have buzz cuts in the past), so that would have been pretty awkward.

After a while we arrived in Amsterdam. As i’ve said before, apparently nobody cares or notices what you look like so i had no weird reactions to me girlmoding. We walked to the subway and the subway cart was really fucking full. I was like fuck that, i’m not going in there and signaled my brother that i wanted to sit in another cart. We ended up in one of the carts at the end, but at least it was somewhat empty.

Due to construction work, the subway train didn’t go further so we had to take the bus. I was looking at my watch and wondered if i was going to make my appointment on time. Luckily the bus was faster than expected so i made it with ten minutes to spare. Once there i got called by my therapist pretty fast.

He smiled when he saw that i was in girlmode. He asked me if i would mind if an intern sat with him in the room too. I didn’t mind at all, those people need to learn what to do too. Immediatly he recapped what we did last appointment and was kind of impressed that i already did some stuff in girlmode. Sadly, this guy likes to shove away whatever i do shortly after and tries to fix whatever other problem i have left. It seems like he doesn’t even enjoy his work and just puts up with it because he gets paid.

The rest of the appointment was spent discussing that it doesn’t matter that much if i use my “man voice” or get noticed by people, because it happens to people who have already transitioned too. I’m amazed by this guy’s skill to make real problems look like it’s nothing. I wonder what he would do in my place. But enough bitching about my therapist, i’ll just have to put up with him until i get on hormones. I also asked if he had the test results back from a test i took a while ago. He still didn’t, so apparently we’re going to spend the whole next appointment discussing that.

All in all, this was a pretty great day. I’m finally confident enough to walk around in the big city in girlmode (buying stuff in the supermarket is still scary though 😉 ). And i didn’t notice people looking weird at me or any other unwanted reactions. So i guess i pass as a girl already? Not a pretty girl, but a girl nontheless. I can’t wait till i get on hormones, so the rest of my body will feel “right” too :).


I understand you guys would want to see a picture of me with all that talk of me “passing”. I will in due time.


4 thoughts on “Diary entry #21 – Girlmode all the way

  1. Pingback: A summary of happenings in 2014 | Naominizer

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