Diary entry #24 – A surprising reaction







Today i went to one of my neighbors to talk about some stuff during some nice tea. Sounds boring right? right. That, of course wasn’t the real reason i was there. As you can probably guess now, i was there to do a little coming out.

A few days back she was asking if it was important what i had to tell. My mom told her it had nothing to do with her, but it was kinda important for me to tell. She had absolutely no idea what i was going to tell. It’s kinda funny that she thought about it, i only casually mentioned that i had something to say last week when we were there too.

Anyway, surprisingly i wasn’t that anxious, which is new because i usually am anxious when telling someone. I played with their kitten for a bit while she was making some tea. Their kitten has this weird habit of eating spiders and bullying the other neighbor’s cats. I saw him disappear somewhere in the garden, never to be seen again. It’s like he digged a hole in the ground where he can hide in. I am going off topic aren’t i? Alright i’ll continue with what you’re here for ;).

During a nice cup of tea we talked about some random stuff until she asked me what i wanted to tell her. I hesitated to talk so she said i didn’t have to tell it if i didn’t want to. I said it wasn’t anything to worry about and then i just said i was transgender. She was looking at me like she had seen a ghost or something. I was like, oh boy this is going to be bad. But she just didn’t know what transgender meant, hence the weird look on her face. I explained it to her and then she understood.

She asked me some questions about being trans like: since when had i been feeling this way, what did dysphoria feel like and what was going to change on hormones. She said it was cool of me to tell her this, even though we don’t see eachother that often (she’s not my next door neighbor). She told me that confidence is the most important thing when going through such a thing like transitioning. “If you are confident, you can conquer everything”. She also said that i shouldn’t care about what others think about me, it’s your life and others will just have to deal with it. She continued on that she had the same views on people who are “different” as my parents. “As long as they don’t hurt anybody, they can do whatever they want”.

She also said “as a mother, you hope your child is normal in every aspect, but if it turns out differently you should still love your child no matter what as they will give that love back to you. “If my child is happy, i’m happy too”. I think this is the attitude to strive for in today’s world and she worded it beautifully. She would have done the same if one of her kids was transgender too. It’s really cool that we share the same world view. She herself has a teenage daughter (15) and a son (8). She told me her son probably wouldn’t understand but she would tell her husband and her daughter that i was transgender if i wanted to. I was totally fine with that.

All in all, a very positive reaction and one more thing to strike off my therapist’s list.

Therapist gatekeeping list:

  • Tell one of your neighbors
  • Meet/tell someone i knew from high school (in girlmode)
  • More girlmode in my own town (preferably the more shady areas, discrimination here we go!)
  • Go to a cinema/club/whatever other recreational situation in girlmode
  • Preferably just go fulltime while i’m not even on hormones (this to get hormones, this really sounds backwards doesn’t it 😐 )

ps: there’s a lot more on that list

Diary entry #23 – It’s been a while

anniversaryToday it has been exactly a year since i set things in motion. And by that i mean i started my transition by coming out to my parents. Makes you think, damn time goes by fast. I’ll do a little recap of what happened the past year (in chronological order).

  • Came out to my parents
  • Got a refferal from my GP (primary care/health provider)
  • Signed up at the nearby gender clinic
  • Got an intake appointment at the gender clinic
  • Found a fitting girl name for me
  • Waited for 5,5 months (where i practiced makeup, clothing stuff and other things)
  • Started this blog
  • First appointment at the gender clinic (start diagnostic phase)
  • Second appointment at the gender clinic and me being trans was starting to shine through at college
  • Came out to a small amount of people at my college
  • Third appointment at gender clinic and they confirmed i had gender dysphoria
  • Bought a lot of clothes
  • Saw myself in the mirror for the first time
  • Answered a shitload of questions during a psychological assessment at the gender clinic
  • Came out to my whole college class
  • My therapist started to gatekeep me
  • bought more clothes, shoes and other stuff
  • Went out in girlmode for the first time
  • More practice outside in girlmode
  • Went in girlmode to the gender clinic for the first time
  • Went on vacation as a girl
  • Therapist kept on gatekeeping
  • Realized i still have quite some stuff to learn about being a girl

So yeah it’s been quite the year. Good and bad things, fun and sad things happened. But i pushed through all of it, so that’s quite the achievement. What i can see happening next year (from now till august 2015) in no particular order:

  • Coming out to my new college class (I probably have to do this every year)
  • Therapist allowing me to get on hormones
  • Actually going on hormones
  • Changing my legal name
  • Go fulltime as a girl (i’m kinda getting forced into this but whatever)
  • Showing a pic of myself on this blog (sorry to keep you people in suspense!)
  • Become a happy person and be myself for the first time

And probably a lot more i can’t think of right now and unexpected stuff that will happen. As always you’ll probably see it written about on this blog ;).

I’ve been thinking…

What if my therapist is right? What if i can’t mentally handle transitioning right now? I mean, almost a year has passed now since signing up at my gender clinic and i feel that the effort i’ve put in so far is severely lacking. My makeup skils are still amateurish at best, i know nothing about hair and i’ve done absolutely nothing about my voice so far. Even all the clothing i got feels like it’s not good enough. My wardrobe looks like a clueless woman went on a shopping spree and tried to make something out of it afterwards. I still need to learn so much more about being a girl.

When i eventually go on hormones i’ve only got three months to learn everything. THREE FUCKING MONTHS. After that the gender clinic forces you to go fulltime for atleast a year. I’m not confident that i am able to learn all of that that in such a short time. That and only three months of hormones don’t do a lot body wise so i can’t expect to pass much better than i am right now. I’m horrified by the thought of people continuously looking at me every day and possibly be discriminated against.

I’m a perfectionist at heart, so where i am now is still miles away from who i want to be. This also prevents me from going out in girlmode more often because it just feels like i’ve put in zero effort into my transition and look like a man in a dress. I know that’s not entirely true but as of now it’s just not good enough to feel confident as myself.

I just don’t know anymore… maybe i do need more time.

I’m so lost…

Diary entry #22 – “I’m not holding you back”


So yeah i went to my gender clinic again today. Supposedly this was to be the last appointment with my therapist.

I rolled out of my bed pretty anxiously. It was 6:30 in the morning and i’m not used to waking up that early anymore so i was a total zombie. Luckily my best friend the shower helps me wake up little by little. By some miracle i managed to get my girlmode getting ready to go routine down to 20 minutes. I don’t even know why i am that fast all of a sudden, as i haven’t really practiced that much. But anyway, i was kinda psyched because this was “supposed” to be my last appointment with this horror therapist of mine.

On the way there not a lot happened really. A few looks at me from people probably wondering if i was a dude after all or why a girl my age has a shitty fashion/makeup sense. But i don’t really know that because i can’t read minds of course, all i can do is wishful thinking. I’m kind of getting careless by looks from people at me because, you know, whatcha gonna do about it.

Once there, there was absolutely nobody except from the people that worked there. They told me they had meetings on thursdays so my therapist was the only therapist around this time of day. Eventually he came to get me and shaked my mom’s hand for whatever reason (he never does this).

The first thing he wanted to discuss was my so called “girlmode vacation”. I pretty much told him what i wrote on here as blogposts. He thought it was “brave” that i did that. He wanted me to tell him what my train of thought was like when people look at me. That was pretty fucking hard to explain, because fuck, how do you explain dysphoria.

After he was done with that he shoved some papers to me with test results on it from the test from a few months back. I couldn’t even imagine what took him so long as it were only two pieces of paper and most of it was just stuff i said during that appointment. So i saw words circled around and exclamation marks on some spots so i thought, oh boy this is gonna be good. It turned out to be fucking nothing. I just had some explaining to do on some stuff. The only interesting result that came back was that i apparently have agoraphobia (aka fear of open and/or crowded spaces). I’ve heard this is pretty normal among trans people because you know, going out in girlmode when you don’t look the part isn’t exactly comforting.

He was actually done talking but only half an hour had passed. We had another half hour left to talk about stuff. I was sick and tired of his shit and gatekeeping practices so i told him what i thought about that. He was quiet for a bit because he didn’t expect me to talk back like that and he always struggles over his words when i point out his bullshit. He said he wasn’t the one i should be angry with, “I’m not holding you back”. Then who was i asked.

He didn’t know the answer to that. “You’re the one in control here, you decide how fast you want things to go”. It’s all lies. If i was in control i would have been on hormones much earlier. He continued on that if i wasn’t going to do more girlmoding around my own town that he didn’t want to see me again. Only if i do that he would “think about it” to actually send me to the endo. He said girlmode on vacation was “too safe” and “not hard”. The “brave” he mentioned earlier apparently meant nothing. So basically he wants me to actively seek situations where i get treated badly so i know what it’s like. he also said he didn’t think i was mentally strong enough to handle transition. He had no reason to think that. It’s like he has a hatred for trans people while he works at a gender clinic. And yet i see people who pass exceptionally well pre-hormones go through the diagnostic phase with flying colors. Something is fishy here.

I felt so powerless and there’s absolutely nothing i could do about it. All i can do is keep up with the bullshit they keep giving me and hope that one day i’ll get on hormones and never have to see that place ever again.

There was one little good thing that happened today. When i was biking back home from the train station, one woman said: let the lady on the bike cross first. I thought hey, she said lady to me. It felt kind of good and a smile appeared on my face. That lightened up my mood a bit from all the shit i had to handle today.

I hope you enjoyed another episode of Harry the Radical Therapist (HRT for short). Just kidding, this is real :neutral:.

Ask me anything series – Questions from Thehieron

I can’t make much sense of these questions as a non-native speaker and your phrasing is vague but i’ll try to answer as far as i understand them.

What are your thoughts about the ethical aspects of transition?

Ethical aspects? I think transitioning is the right thing to do if the person is in fact transgender. I see nothing wrong with a person wanting to change their gender.

How has your gender identity influenced your ideas about spirituality?

It hasn’t. I don’t believe in spirituality.

How do you dream?

I don’t understand.

How do you hope?

I don’t understand.

How do you believe?

I don’t believe, i’m an atheist.

How do you love?

I don’t understand.

To what things do you aspire?

I aspire to completely be myself one day with the help of hormones and such. Other than that i’d very much aspire a job in the television and audio branch.

I’m sorry for the short or nonexistent answers but i simply do not understand what you’re trying to ask me with these questions. Perhaps you could elaborate further in the comments so i could answer these better.

Her blog

If you have a question too and would like them answered, please post them as a comment on this post

Ask me anything series – Questions from Nour

What of music do you love the most?

Rock is my favorite genre of music with techno/house as a close second. Classic or modern rock is both fine with me. The only kinds of music i don’t like are rap and country music.

Do you dance? Ever wanted to learn to dance?

I don’t dance. As a matter of fact i’ve never learned how to. I just copied what others did at parties when i needed to dance. I think i do want to learn how to dance some time in the future. When i do, i’d probably learn modern dance, classic things like the waltz and such don’t really interest me.

Did you fall in love before? How did it feel for you?

I haven’t fallen in love yet. In my teenage years my sexuality was kind of confusing, probably to do with the fact that i was trans. I wasn’t sure if i was into guys, girls or both. Two girls in high school fell in love with me but i didn’t have strong feelings for them back. I liked them sure, but i couldn’t see myself in a relationship with them as my jealousy was just too strong. Looking back it made sense perhaps, i’m not really into girls. So yeah i have no idea what falling in love is like. I don’t believe i am asexual so i think i will experience it some day.

This one is gonna be tough: is there any reason or fears that may cause you’d come to the decision (willingly) to stop the transition or de-transition??

Hmm yeah this is a tough one. The only thing i can think of stopping transition is if it turns out i’m not trans but have some other illness that imitates the symptoms. This is very unlikely to happen as i know i am trans and my therapist confirmed it, but if a brain scan says i’m a perfectly normal male i think i’m willing to accept that. If that happens i’d probably live on as an effeminate (gay) male.

Even though i’m probably never going to de-transition, there is a slight chance i can see it happening. If i end up extremely ugly aka “man in a dress” like, i’d probably couldn’t handle the societal pressures put on me. I must say, living as male is a lot easier than being a female. Seeing as i’ve always chosen the easiest path in my life i’d probably turn back if it gets extremely hard to live on as female. Wait, scrap that, i’d probably commit suicide if i have to turn back.

Lastly, if i am not able to transition medically (hormones, surgery etc.). Then i’d be forced to stop my transition. I’m not sure what i would do if that happens.

Nour’s Blog

If you have a question too and would like it answered, please post them as a comment on this post

30 Day Trans Challenge – Bonus edition

amaAs you guys probably know, i’ve finished the 30 day trans challenge. So i thought why not let my followers ask me questions! Anything goes, trans or not trans related, taboo or not, i will answer with honesty. Do you have multiple questions? That’s fine too. And remember, there are no dumb questions so don’t be scared to ask something even if it seems obvious! Post your questions in the comment section below if you’re interested. I will make a post answering these questions (if any) when i have time. Oh and passerby non followers can also ask questions of course!

I hope we can make this into a thing!





30 Day Trans Challenge – Day 30

Write a haiku about being trans

Oh boy this is hard. English is not my native language. I’ll try to make something that looks like one.

First i was a boy

The closet was locked shut

A girl was hiding

Not sure if that was the right amount of syllables but i tried.

And with that it concludes the 30 day trans challenge. I hope my followers enjoyed and learned a bit about being trans and about me. I’ll try to keep posting about whatever trans or not related at least once every week if i can.

Vacation day 5 – Going home

au revoirWe had to get up early to pack our things because we had to leave the park at 10 o’clock. Just like the first day, leaving is just as stressful as going somewhere. Luckily we were done with time to spare and we checked multiple times if we missed anything. Because of lack of time and because of what happened the previous day i just decided to go in boymode.

So we drove away and continued for a few hours till we made a stop at a fast food place. I ordered a cheeseburger and they ordered some fries. I’ll have to tell ya, it was the most disgusting cheeseburger i’ve ever eaten. The cheese didn’t even look like cheese (it was all green and rubbery) and it had obscene amounts of sauce on it. Meanwhile my mom was getting angry because we only got half of what we ordered. If you didn’t know my mom, she goes great lengths when it comes to food or sales.

After a while we hit the road again and then there was a whole lot of nothing besides my mom and dad arguing why the air conditioning didn’t work. I slept for a bit in the back because i didn’t really sleep that well the past few days. After a few hours passed we came back home again.

Even though this is the worst vacation i’ve had the pleasure to experience, i did learn some things.

  • Despite my efforts so far, i don’t pass that well as a girl (perhaps that was to be expected since i am pre-hormones)
  • People in big cities don’t give a flying fuck about your appearance
  • Children are staring assholes
  • Older people don’t care or notice when you are in girlmode
  • Young people do tend to notice
  • According to my brother i sit and stand like a girl, but my walk needs improvement
  • I need a different hairstyle, the one i have now isn’t working out in girlmode
  • I bit off more than i could chew this vacation, i was not ready for this kind of confrontation yet
  • I need to learn how to tuck, long shirts aren’t going to hide that bulge forever
  • People are too polite to say anything about it even if they see it
  • People don’t really care what toilet you go in if you are (or present as) a girl
  • I need to step up my make up and clothing game
  • I need to train my voice asap, using manvoice sucks
  • My therapist is trying to prepare me for a life where i don’t or semi-pass as a girl, with all the staring and weird looks that come with it

Sadly enough i’ve been pretty depressed now that i’m back home because it was all just a bit too much for me to handle all at once. Currently i am not seeing how i could turn out well as a girl and i feel ugly. I hope my genetics when on hormones are at least willing to help a bit, as i already got dealt a shit hand by being trans. I’m sorry for the depressing tone in my posts lately but i just need some time to calm down and get back on my feet.