Vacation day 4 – Going on the S.S. madame clocking

IMG_1077As usual i didn’t sleep well, as i haven’t for the past few days. My brother just keeps snoring like a motherfucker and waking him constantly doesn’t work that well. I did my getting ready in girlmode routine a little faster today because we had to leave early to get to the tour boat on time.

Once there we saw some people standing around but there was no boat to be seen. My parents asked the other people where the boat was but they didn’t know either. It started to get pretty crowded later on and nobody knew where the boat was. One family parked next to our car and they thought that maybe it arrived somewhere else. They had two daughters who apparently thought i was very interesting. The youngest was about 6 years old and she just kept staring at me endlessly. I’m not sure if she didn’t know what gender i was or just thought i was a man in drag. Eventually i had enough of it and i said that staring at people wasn’t a nice thing to do. Sadly enough she didn’t hear it but she returned to her parents.

The boat arrived a good twenty minutes late, after one of the people in the crowd had called the park we vacationed in. They forgot they had a tour today or something. We hopped on and it was already pretty fucking packed with people from another destination. There were only a few places left in the back of the boat. Lo and behold, we were sitting next to the family with the girl that previously stared at me. I constantly got stares and weird looks from other people too. I wasn’t convincing anyone in my presentation as a girl. It really hurt my self esteem and i wanted to curl up in a ball there and then. Even though they said nothing to me, i could almost hear what they were thinking.

Halfway through the boat ride i needed to pee pretty badly. On the lower level of the boat was a bar where you could get something to drink and the toilets were there too. The people behind the bar counter were looking at which toilet i would take. I thought “fucking really? you guys are going to do this?” to myself. I hope they didn’t make a bet as i just went into the women’s toilet.

Eventually the boat arrived at the place it was going to. It’s good that it finally stopped somewhere since i was almost having a nervous breakdown on there. After we got off we walked to the local tourist information center to see if there was anything to do here. As it turns out, this town was as dead as the rest of the towns we’ve came past in the last few days. Nearly everything was closed and the only touristy thing to do was a walk in the nearby woods.

Disappointed in this town we decided to take a walk through it, it couldn’t be as boring as the woman told us right? All the things that were opened we went in. One church, one camping shop and a restaurant and that was it. So we wasted about an hour at the restaurant till the boat came back.

As you can guess, it started all over again. The stares never stopped. And it was pretty fucking hot and i didn’t take my sunglasses with me because they look absolutely ridiculous on me in girlmode. There were also two girls a little younger than me that might as well have been me if i was born as a girl. So that kind of fired up my dysphoria like a polished engine. For some reason near the end my family decided to ditch me (probably not on purpose) and i was all alone with all those people on the boat. I couldn’t leave because all our valuable stuff was still where i was seated. The 6 year old stare girl saw me sitting alone as a golden opportunity to figure out who or what i was. The creepiest and most judgmental stare i got from this girl. I had enough of it so i looked angry at her and moved a little closer. After that she left to go to her mom.

Finally we arrived back at the starting point and i made angry remarks at my family for leaving me alone for a good half hour with all those fuckwits of people. But they just ignored it. We still had one free coupon for an apple pie so we went to get that at the reception. I absolutely didn’t want to eat some pie in the restaurant there, i had enough bad things happen to me today. But alas they dragged me there if they had to so i went along. I said to my parents it’s a pity that they don’t understand what i’m going through. “That’s just how it is” my dad said. My parents are supportive and accepting but when i really need them they just act like my problems don’t exist.

When we were back at the house we wanted to take a swim in the nearby pool. I decided to redress in boymode because i didn’t want my makeup to be all over the pool. On the way there we saw someone we had seen before today. Yes, you’ve guessed it, 6 year old stare girl was on the same park as us. If you’ve ever seen a mouth drop this was it. She had seen me in both girlmode and boymode now. I probably messed up this kid’s mind, but she deserved it for staring at me all day. I laughed as i walked away.

But the plot thickens as we arrived at the pool. The mid twenties group that were also on the boat were swimming in the pool. I just couldn’t give a fuck anymore, took my clothes off (except swimming gear of course) and dived into the pool. The one girl of the group looked at me like i was some kind of ghost or something. She probably wondered if i was the brother of the girl on the boat or some ultra gay that put off his drag based on the look on her face. That and a wasp was trying to sting me in the pool but stung my dad instead. Those wasps here in Belgium really like to sting someone for no reason at all.

After a while we were done swimming and went back to the house to eat. We ate some delicious pancakes on our little balcony until some wasps decided it was time for us to move inside. My brother wanted to take a walk around the park because tomorrow was our last day here. We walked around until we saw a playground of sorts and decided to play some table tennis there. Later on two guys walked past us but i saw their faces. It was the dude that was looking at me in the pizza place from a few days ago. “Are you fucking kidding me” i thought to myself, what are the odds. He said nothing but i saw a grin on his face. Apparently every fucking one i met this vacation IS ON THE SAME FUCKING PARK.

If this wasn’t the worst day of my life i just don’t know anymore. Thoughts of suicide usually come around when i have a bad day, and this one was pretty fucking bad so the “please kill me” thoughts weren’t going anywhere. When we went back to the house i just wanted to sleep and never wake up again. And i couldn’t even cry because my tear ducts are fucked or something from years of “guys don’t cry denial”.

All hope of “everything will be fine” died in me today.


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