Diary entry #22 – “I’m not holding you back”


So yeah i went to my gender clinic again today. Supposedly this was to be the last appointment with my therapist.

I rolled out of my bed pretty anxiously. It was 6:30 in the morning and i’m not used to waking up that early anymore so i was a total zombie. Luckily my best friend the shower helps me wake up little by little. By some miracle i managed to get my girlmode getting ready to go routine down to 20 minutes. I don’t even know why i am that fast all of a sudden, as i haven’t really practiced that much. But anyway, i was kinda psyched because this was “supposed” to be my last appointment with this horror therapist of mine.

On the way there not a lot happened really. A few looks at me from people probably wondering if i was a dude after all or why a girl my age has a shitty fashion/makeup sense. But i don’t really know that because i can’t read minds of course, all i can do is wishful thinking. I’m kind of getting careless by looks from people at me because, you know, whatcha gonna do about it.

Once there, there was absolutely nobody except from the people that worked there. They told me they had meetings on thursdays so my therapist was the only therapist around this time of day. Eventually he came to get me and shaked my mom’s hand for whatever reason (he never does this).

The first thing he wanted to discuss was my so called “girlmode vacation”. I pretty much told him what i wrote on here as blogposts. He thought it was “brave” that i did that. He wanted me to tell him what my train of thought was like when people look at me. That was pretty fucking hard to explain, because fuck, how do you explain dysphoria.

After he was done with that he shoved some papers to me with test results on it from the test from a few months back. I couldn’t even imagine what took him so long as it were only two pieces of paper and most of it was just stuff i said during that appointment. So i saw words circled around and exclamation marks on some spots so i thought, oh boy this is gonna be good. It turned out to be fucking nothing. I just had some explaining to do on some stuff. The only interesting result that came back was that i apparently have agoraphobia (aka fear of open and/or crowded spaces). I’ve heard this is pretty normal among trans people because you know, going out in girlmode when you don’t look the part isn’t exactly comforting.

He was actually done talking but only half an hour had passed. We had another half hour left to talk about stuff. I was sick and tired of his shit and gatekeeping practices so i told him what i thought about that. He was quiet for a bit because he didn’t expect me to talk back like that and he always struggles over his words when i point out his bullshit. He said he wasn’t the one i should be angry with, “I’m not holding you back”. Then who was i asked.

He didn’t know the answer to that. “You’re the one in control here, you decide how fast you want things to go”. It’s all lies. If i was in control i would have been on hormones much earlier. He continued on that if i wasn’t going to do more girlmoding around my own town that he didn’t want to see me again. Only if i do that he would “think about it” to actually send me to the endo. He said girlmode on vacation was “too safe” and “not hard”. The “brave” he mentioned earlier apparently meant nothing. So basically he wants me to actively seek situations where i get treated badly so i know what it’s like. he also said he didn’t think i was mentally strong enough to handle transition. He had no reason to think that. It’s like he has a hatred for trans people while he works at a gender clinic. And yet i see people who pass exceptionally well pre-hormones go through the diagnostic phase with flying colors. Something is fishy here.

I felt so powerless and there’s absolutely nothing i could do about it. All i can do is keep up with the bullshit they keep giving me and hope that one day i’ll get on hormones and never have to see that place ever again.

There was one little good thing that happened today. When i was biking back home from the train station, one woman said: let the lady on the bike cross first. I thought hey, she said lady to me. It felt kind of good and a smile appeared on my face. That lightened up my mood a bit from all the shit i had to handle today.

I hope you enjoyed another episode of Harry the Radical Therapist (HRT for short). Just kidding, this is real :neutral:.


4 thoughts on “Diary entry #22 – “I’m not holding you back”

  1. Hi Naomi,
    No one is happy where they’re :D, so the system here (where i live) doesn’t work for trans* at all; therapists, endocrinologists, everything .. on the other hand i can get as much hormones as I need without prescription .. good and bad ..

    I really truly just wish you best of luck my dear, we have a saying that translates to “the best results come out of the things you’re worried the most about” 🙂 so cheer up, and look at the bright side, like the situation you just mentioned my dear ..

    Love and hugs,

    • It’s hard not to lose hope when eveything seems like it’s trying to hold me back. I try to see the bright side of things but currently the bad things overpower the good things so it’s more sadness than anything. It’s just weird that i have to go through all this shit to be(come) myself, it shouldn’t be this hard.

  2. Yep, i know exactly how you feel .. Just hold on tight, i think this part of their gating thing, to see how persistent you’re, or is it just something that came up one’s head .. may be, i don’t know for sure though .. just hang in there, stay strong 🙂

  3. Pingback: A summary of happenings in 2014 | Naominizer

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