What if my therapist is right? What if i can’t mentally handle transitioning right now? I mean, almost a year has passed now since signing up at my gender clinic and i feel that the effort i’ve put in so far is severely lacking. My makeup skils are still amateurish at best, i know nothing about hair and i’ve done absolutely nothing about my voice so far. Even all the clothing i got feels like it’s not good enough. My wardrobe looks like a clueless woman went on a shopping spree and tried to make something out of it afterwards. I still need to learn so much more about being a girl.
When i eventually go on hormones i’ve only got three months to learn everything. THREE FUCKING MONTHS. After that the gender clinic forces you to go fulltime for atleast a year. I’m not confident that i am able to learn all of that that in such a short time. That and only three months of hormones don’t do a lot body wise so i can’t expect to pass much better than i am right now. I’m horrified by the thought of people continuously looking at me every day and possibly be discriminated against.
I’m a perfectionist at heart, so where i am now is still miles away from who i want to be. This also prevents me from going out in girlmode more often because it just feels like i’ve put in zero effort into my transition and look like a man in a dress. I know that’s not entirely true but as of now it’s just not good enough to feel confident as myself.
I just don’t know anymore… maybe i do need more time.
I’m so lost…