I’ve been thinking…

What if my therapist is right? What if i can’t mentally handle transitioning right now? I mean, almost a year has passed now since signing up at my gender clinic and i feel that the effort i’ve put in so far is severely lacking. My makeup skils are still amateurish at best, i know nothing about hair and i’ve done absolutely nothing about my voice so far. Even all the clothing i got feels like it’s not good enough. My wardrobe looks like a clueless woman went on a shopping spree and tried to make something out of it afterwards. I still need to learn so much more about being a girl.

When i eventually go on hormones i’ve only got three months to learn everything. THREE FUCKING MONTHS. After that the gender clinic forces you to go fulltime for atleast a year. I’m not confident that i am able to learn all of that that in such a short time. That and only three months of hormones don’t do a lot body wise so i can’t expect to pass much better than i am right now. I’m horrified by the thought of people continuously looking at me every day and possibly be discriminated against.

I’m a perfectionist at heart, so where i am now is still miles away from who i want to be. This also prevents me from going out in girlmode more often because it just feels like i’ve put in zero effort into my transition and look like a man in a dress. I know that’s not entirely true but as of now it’s just not good enough to feel confident as myself.

I just don’t know anymore… maybe i do need more time.

I’m so lost…

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2 thoughts on “I’ve been thinking…

  1. Naomi, easy on yourself girl .. You regard yourself unprepared; then be prepared, YouTube is your best friend, we all (the entire online community) is here for you .. Beauty and make up tips, online voice therapy trainings (on YouTube) .. We’re here for you Naomi .. Trust yourself and abilities, know your limitations, work on them, find your motivation, and you’re good to go .. 🙂

    Love,
    Nour

  2. You probably know this already, but you are great as you are. You don’t need to feel like you need to become a stereotypical girly girl (unless you want to of course). I’m not sure if you read Julia Serano’s Whipping Girl, but if you haven’t I highly recommend it 🙂 Your transition is about making you feel comfortable with your body so just be who you want to be. Society can be cruel and horrible, so of course do consider your safety but also don’t internalise their hate and ignorance. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud to be the woman that you are 🙂

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