Body dysphoria

So i woke up this morning, put my contacts in and decided to take a shower. I never shower with my contacts in, but this day i couldn’t be arsed to take them out. What i usually do is just put on my glasses in the morning and take them off when i take a shower.

It was really weird to actually see the bathroom and the water droplets in glorious HD and not as a blurry mess. Now you might be thinking, why the hell is she writing about her shower adventures right? Well…

I’m totally not used to see my naked body as a not blurry and pixelated mess without smooth edges. I am nearsighted with a negative 6 so i pretty much can’t see shit without glasses or contacts. So seeing my naked body in clear sight was quite shocking. I usually don’t have a lot of body dysphoria going on, besides my genitals and the general chest area. But this really was one of the worst dysphoria attacks i’ve ever had mixed with a panic attack.

All the body hair i saw disgusted me severely, i might as well be bigfoot’s daughter. Couldn’t get worse right? I dared to look down and you know what’s supposed to be down there. I got a sick feeling in my stomach and i almost needed to vomit. Meanwhile my dysphoria was eating away at me so i got really uncomfortable so i decided to go out of the shower. When i exit the shower i can see the bathroom mirror hanging there so i saw myself naked in clear sight. Safe to say, i was not happy with what i saw. I saw a long haired man with wide shoulders. Maybe i’m exaggerating, but that’s what it looked like to me.

I always thought when trans people said they couldn’t stand seeing themselves naked in the shower that they were blowing things out of proportion. As it turns out, they weren’t joking, i’ve experienced it now myself. The struggle is real.

This might explain why i’ve never really been bothered by my body when i was younger, as i couldn’t see it clearly enough. Seeing skin coloured blobs didn’t really “activate” my dysphoria aparently, but it does when i see clearly. Seeing myself naked with my glasses on is not something i ever did, because why would i? I assumed nothing was wrong until of course the pieces of my transgender puzzle all fell together.

Safe to say, i’m never taking a shower with my contacts in ever again (or at least until my body starts changing to something more acceptable to my brain).

Actual measurements and descriptions

Two days ago i posted about me wanting to do a scientific approach with my transition by measuring a lot of things. I’ve measured everything now and i’ve added a few more things to the list. I will probably use this list as a reference in the future. Everything that can’t measured in metres, kilo’s etc. will be a description. Enjoy :).

The List

STATS                                            METRIC    (cm, kg etc.)               IMPERIAL (inches, lbs etc.)

Weight                                             64 – 65kg                                           141 lbs – 143 lbs
Height                                              1.78m  (178cm)                                5’10
Feet (shoe) size                              42-43 (M) 40-41 (F)                       8.5-9 (M) 9-9.5 (F)
Shoulders (biacromial)                48cm                                                  18.9 inches
Shoulders (acromial)                   45cm                                                   17.7 inches
Deltoids                                          43cm                                                   16.9 inches
Biceps                                             26cm                                                   10.2 inches
Chest/bust                                     85cm                                                   33.5 inches
Breast size  (cup)                          AAA                                                     AAA
Band size                                        80                                                        36 (?)
Upper bust                                     91cm                                                   35.8 inches
Under bust                                     81cm                                                   31.9 inches
Hand size (length)                        17cm                                                   6.7 inches
Hand size (across)                        20.5cm                                               8.1 inches
Wrist size                                        17cm                                                   6.7 inches
Waist                                                74cm                                                  29.1 inches
Hip(s)                                              87cm                                                  34,3 inches
Thighs                                             53cm                                                  20.9 inches
calves                                              37cm                                                   14.6 inches
Waist to hip ratio                        0.85                                                     –
Waist to height ratio                  0.42                                                     –
BMI                                                20.9 (healthy)                                    –
Butt                                                91cm                                                    35.8 inches
Body shape                                   banana/straight                                –
Face shape                                    Oblong/Oval                                      –
Face length                                   20cm                                                   7.9 inches
Face width                                    22cm                                                   8.7 inches
Forehead length (across)          17cm                                                    6.7 inches
Jawline length                             11cm                                                    4.3 inches
Cheek to cheek width                 7.5cm                                                  3.0 inches
Lip size (across)                          6cm                                                     2.4 inches
Lip size (length)                          2cm                                                     0.8 inches
Hair length                                   24cm                                                  9.4 inches
Hair texture                                 wavy/curly type 2B                          –
Hair regrowth                             None, slowly balding                       –
Facial hair                                    sparse, still growing                         –
Body hair (legs)                          a lot, dense                                         –
Body hair (chest)                        sparse                                                  –
Body hair (other)                        moderate                                            –
Skin texture (softness)               harsh                                                   –
Acne                                               low, few red spots                             –
Physical strength                        slightly above average                     –
Erections (random ones)         often                                                     –
Libido                                           very high                                              –
Sense of smell                             normal                                                  –
Emotions                                     dull/detached
Body odor                                    normal                                                  –
Sweat                                            low                                                         –
Visibility of veins                        very visible (hands)                           –
Eye color                                       Light brown/hazel hybrid                –
Food intake                                   normal (~2200 -2500 calories)     –
Amount of energy available        Normal                                               –
Money spent on transition         ~1200 euro’s                                     ~1540 dollars

Since i’m not an expert in measuring, some things might be 1-2cm off. If you think something should be added to this list, feel free to comment about it. Hopefully i’ll see some surprising changes happening here.

p.s. please don’t clone me 😉

Scientific approach to transitioning

measure tape

 

As you guys and gals probably know, i’ll be starting hormone treatment in a few short months. Seeing as i love collecting data about everything, i thought why not do the same with my transition. Besides measuring changes to my body i will also try to take pictures every day (or every week if i can’t). However this does not mean i will post my face on here every day for a year, i’ll probably limit it to once or twice a month here. It’s more that i can see the big picture (no pun intended) at the end of the year when i make a video out of it. Every week (beginning on day 1 of hrt) i will post a short summary of what changes i’ve noticed and other things happening that might be interesting. Every month i’ll post changes in measurements from the starting point and other things i might have noticed. Don’t worry, i’ll still keep posting “normal” stuff happening in my life too ;).

So i’m going to list a few things here i want to measure (if possible) during my transition. I know some of the things on there aren’t likely to change on hormones, but i might be surprised. There are some things i do want to measure but are not listed here because those are things i think should be kept private (e.g. genital stuff).

The List:

  • Weight
  • Height
  • Feet (shoe) size
  • Shoulders
  • Biceps
  • Chest
  • Breast size
  • Bust
  • Upper bust
  • Under bust
  • Hand size
  • Wrist size
  • Waist
  • Hip(s)
  • Thighs
  • Waist to hip ratio
  • Waist to height ratio
  • Butt
  • Body shape
  • Face shape
  • Face length
  • Forehead length (across)
  • Jawline length
  • Cheek to cheek width
  • Lip size (thickness)
  • Hair length
  • Hair texture
  • Hair regrowth (scalp)
  • Facial hair (thick, coarse, sparse, whatever)
  • Body hair (legs)
  • Body hair (chest)
  • Body hair (other)
  • Skin texture (softness)
  • Acne
  • Physical strength
  • Erections (occurence of random boners)
  • Libido
  • Sense of smell
  • Emotions
  • Body odor
  • Sweat
  • Visibility of veins
  • Eye color
  • Food intake
  • Amount of energy available
  • Money spent (clothing, surgery, doctor visits etc.)

That’s all i’ve thought of so far. If any of you thinks anything is missing or would like to see something added to this list, please post it in a comment. I will post the actual measurements later on (or on day 1 hrt) because i haven’t really measured a lot so far. So yeah, i hope you guys like to see me mapping my progress/development like this :).

Diary entry #27 – It’s the final countdown

final countdownToday i went to my gender clinic again. Despite some people looking at me, everything went fine on the way there. As my appointment was in the afternoon, it was pretty crowded in the waiting room. I walked to the counter there to say i had an appointment at 13:00. The guy behind the counter said to me that the one that was before me was late so my therapist was still busy with that guy. So i had to wait for about half an hour. During that time i heard a therapist calling for someone in the waiting room. I noticed which therapist it was and silently repeated her name when she walked away. The FtM that was sitting across me looked at me and started laughing and i did so too. We both knew that [therapist name] was about the worst one you could get around here. If you think my therapist is bad, she’s ten times worse and she’s infamous for denying hormone treatment for a lot of people. I kinda feel bad for the dude that got her as a therapist.

Anyway, my therapist came to get me and he still didn’t know how to pronounce my last name right. I tried to correct him but he was like “whatever”. As i scheduled this appointment myself, i had to be the one taking the lead in talking about stuff i did. I talked to him about me telling my neighbor, meeting an old school friend and some more girlmoding in my town. He thought it was pretty good that i did all that in only a month.

He then asked me what i thought i still needed to do before going fulltime. I knew that if i said anything specific, he’d choose that as a thing i needed to do next time. I wasn’t having any of it so i just said “I don’t know”. “When do you suppose you want to go fulltime” he said. I said perhaps after a month or two on hormones. That seemed to please him somehow. After that he wanted me to draw a timeline of when i wanted to go fulltime. This seemed another trap of his so i answered very vaguely. What it came down to is that maybe i could go fulltime next week or after 3 months, i didn’t place any deadlines for myself because i know he’d enforce those.

What he said after that made me kind of happy. “I’ll discuss your file with the rest of the therapists here and next month you’ll get the results. What this means is the board of therapists there are going to be talking about if i’m eligible for hormone treatment. Now you might think, isn’t this a bad thing, what if they say no? Well, luckily the board rarely says no to someone who is as far along in diagnostics as i am. They usually only deny you if there’s some weird shit going on (e.g. not trans) or you don’t want it yourself. So yeah i have quite a big chance that they’re going to say yes.

Before we ended he said he’d wanted to do one more test with me. He said he only gives this test at the end, so that was another indicator to me that the diagnostic phase was coming to an end. It was a simple test really, it was kind of like the same questions i did at my intake appointment. I think they do this test so that you can still cop-out at the last minute if you wanted to. Sadly we ran out of time, so we are going to finish the other half of the test on the next appointment. I was okay with that and walked to the counter to plan a new appointment.

So exactly a month from now i’ll hear from him whether i may start hormone treatment or not. Stay tuned :).

Something unexpected happened

Now before you guys start guessing, no, they did not suddenly put me on hormones. That of course would be really cool, but something else happened what i thought was unexpected. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that i told my neighbor that i was transgender. Well… something happened after that.

My mom asked my neighbor today if she had told her husband and daughter that i was transgender. And as a matter of fact she did. She didn’t tell what her husband thought of it, but her daughter was really enthousiastic about it. She even wants to take me shopping some time soon! I can’t help to think it’s a little weird though, a 15 year old girl taking a 21 year old “guy” shopping for clothes, but whatever :). She continued on that she is willing to help me with anything and said that i had her full support. She even said that if i ever needed a shoulder to cry on, that she would be there for me.

I was thinking about why she would give me so much support all of a sudden. The answer my mom gave to that made it pretty clear. She has one transgender person in her class, which is why she probably understands what i’ve been going through and chooses to support me. Small world, huh?

I would have never expected so much support from someone i barely know. I hope she’s willing to teach me about some stuff i’m not that experienced in yet (hair, makeup, clothing style). As of now i’ve learned everything by myself by trial and error, youtube videos and whatever articles i could find. My mom wasn’t really helpful in that respect as she never learned “how to girl” either. It kind of blows my mind that this happened all of a sudden. I’m really happy right now, you should see the smile on my face as i’m typing this :). Now if only my therapist says he wants to put me on hormones this thursday, that would make my week complete. I would probably burst into tears if that happens.

Diary entry # 26 – Someone from high school

the fuckAs i have a therapist appointment coming up next week, i thought why not try to check off some more things on the gatekeeping list. I wouldn’t want to come there and he gets angry at me for not having done anything worthwhile.

Since i still had “meet/tell someone from highschool (in girlmode)” on that list, i thought why not visit an old (female) friend of mine. I knew she worked at the local fish shop at the mall so i decided i would give it a try. The weird thing is, i’m not anxious anymore when getting ready and actually doing something in girlmode (unless it’s coming out). Somewhere between last time and now, i just don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t care that people look at me, think of me or anything else. I’ve come to a point where i’ve realized i am who i am and other people will just have to deal with that. And if they won’t, that’s their problem, not mine.

Anyways, i biked to the mall with my mom as she wanted to get some groceries. The fish shop is the first thing you see when entering the mall so i just walked right in. I saw her standing in the back while my mom ordered something. My mom called her name to try to engage a conversation. She turned around (she was busy cutting fish) and looked at me. I was shocked by her reaction. There was nothing… She didn’t recognize me. Mind you, i’ve known this girl since grade school all the way up to high school and she just didn’t recognize me. Granted i had short hair and boy clothing on the last time i saw and spoke to her, but i was just baffled by her nonexistant reaction. She treated me just like any other customer, with no indication that she knew who i was. She even heard my (man)voice a couple of times but apparently that did nothing either. We’ve always been relatively good friends before we went our separate ways in life, so she had no reason to not even say hi or something if she recognized me.

I walked out of the shop with a lot of thoughts running through my mind. Have i really changed that much? She even asked my mom about how i was doing last week, how could she not recognize me? It just really fucked with my mind, i could not comprehend how she could not recognize me as the boy i once was, seeing as my girlmode is pretty mediocre (i think).

Trying to calm down, my mom and i went into the bakery to get some stuff. There were no weird looks, no nothing to indicate people possibly thinking i was a dude. I pretty much went into full denial mode shortly after, thinking i was delusional or something because as far as i know i don’t pass that well. I biked back home to give myself a bit of peace of mind.

Some weird thing i do when i come home after doing anything in girlmode is that i look in the mirror to see what i possibly looked like to other people. Usually it’s nothing out of the ordinary and my reaction is something like “whatever”. The thing is, i COULD SEE A FUCKING GIRL LOOKING BACK AT ME this time. I was like whoa what the fuck is happening. Maybe i did look like a girl to other people too i thought to myself. Since my vacation i’ve practiced with makeup and my hair quite a bit so maybe that was the reason i looked better? I don’t know. Maybe i’ve been too harsh on my own judgment whether i pass or not all this time, i’m my own worst critic after all. Or i’m just extremely delusional about my looks, who knows. You can decide for yourself when i post a picture the very first day i start HRT ;).

Oh, i almost forgot

Therapist gatekeeping list:

  • Tell one of your neighbors
  • Meet/tell someone i knew from high school (in girlmode)
  • More girlmode in my own town (preferably the more shady areas, discrimination here we go!)
  • Go to a cinema/club/whatever other recreational situation in girlmode
  • Preferably just go fulltime while i’m not even on hormones (this to get hormones, this really sounds backwards doesn’t it :neut )

Diary entry #25 – Back to college

collegeToday my second year of college started. This means new classes, new subjects, basically new everything (except the building of course). I’ll try not to bore you by telling what classes i had today (maybe a little bit), because this blog is about me being transgender and related subjects after all 😉 . So you can probably guess, something happened today.

The year started with a kick-off (some kind of presentation) in the lecture hall where all teachers showed what their subjects were like. I saw over half of the people there playing on their phones and sighing, hoping that the torture would soon come to an end. After an incredibly boring two hours they were done. Luckily i saw some people from last years class after so we caught up on some things that happened during the holidays/vacation.

Then i were to meet my new class. The tutors there introduced themselves first and my one recoginized me somehow, although she had only heard of my name and probably didn’t see my face yet. She probably saw last years class photo or something (although i look a lot different now, even without hormones). The tutors wanted us to introduce ourselves by telling who we were, what we wanted to do and tell something special about ourselves. I was like… really… this is fucking college, are we really going to do this? But they insisted, and guess what, they started with me.

Telling who i was and what i wanted to do was easy. But then i was thinking, something special about me huh… wait, i’m transgender, that sure is special! But sadly i couldn’t muster up the courage to say that to complete strangers who were all looking at me sitting in a circle. Instead i told them i collect comic books (i kinda do). One girl told that she still played pokemon and was ashamed of that. I thought to myself, pokemon is fucking great, nothing to be ashamed of. For the people who don’t know me in person, i tend to say things that pop up in my mind by making a remark or joke about whatever is discussed. So basically i have an opinion on everything. So when the girl told she played pokemon i just blatantly said “no shame” and i’m pretty sure that could be heard by the class. Not that i really give a fuck what people think about that when i do it.

We continued on discussing what people thought were the most important things when working in a group. Eventually we came to a top 4:

  1. Having a good atmosphere
  2. Having your group assignments done on time
  3. Not being late for meetings
  4. Good communication with eachother

Then we had to split up in corners what you thought was most important. Surprisingly 1 and 4 were the biggest groups when split up individually. After that we had to pick someone from whatever group you were standing in and do some small-talk. Eventually we needed to do a full fledged interview with eachother so me and one girl went to a quiet place to do that kind of thing. The first thing she asked when we sat down was what was on my bracelet (i wear it all the time). I said that the name Naomi was on it. She asked who Naomi was next. I pretty much digged my own grave at that moment.

As i don’t like lying to people, i told her the truth. “I am Naomi”. She looked surprised at me, because why the hell would a dude have a girl name right? “I’m going to change my gender from male to female”. I think i hit a nerve with her or something because she was frozen in place for a good ten seconds with a bleak face. Apparently we aren’t that common among people and it shocks them when they see a live one sitting next to them ;). “Let’s not tell that to the class yet” she said. I agreed and we went on with the interview.

After we were done we had to introduce eachother to the class. Apparently i am a stubborn-game loving-movie watching-long haired skinny dude who has two brothers. I introduced her as a shoe fetishist (she collects shoes like a madwoman) who does radio shows while she doesn’t even like it. And that was pretty much it for what we were going to do with the class for today.

I e-mailed my own tutor that i wanted to speak to her about trans stuff a few days ago. So we found an empty classroom and she asked about some random transgender stuff (when on hormones, where i get treated etc.). She’s a lesbian so she could understand me pretty well (not that i am lesbian too, but you know, LGBT and stuff). If i need to come out to my new class, she is willing to help set things up which is nice.

As a last request i asked her if i could switch classes because everyone knows eachother already (from the past year), while i know nobody as there are no people from my previous class. She told me she’d look into it but gave me no promises. I really hope i can switch classes, because i really don’t feel comfortable there right now.

Lastly i saw a girl from last year and she started talking to me about my transition. She was curious as to when i would start taking hormones. “Hopefully in a month or two if everything goes alright” i said. She wondered why everything took so long. “I know right”, i said. We walked to the train station catching up on some stuff in our lives which was pretty nice.

I hope i didn’t bore you guys with this wall of text of mostly college-y stuff. Unless you guys actually like reading about this stuff of course ;).