As i have a therapist appointment coming up next week, i thought why not try to check off some more things on the gatekeeping list. I wouldn’t want to come there and he gets angry at me for not having done anything worthwhile.
Since i still had “meet/tell someone from highschool (in girlmode)” on that list, i thought why not visit an old (female) friend of mine. I knew she worked at the local fish shop at the mall so i decided i would give it a try. The weird thing is, i’m not anxious anymore when getting ready and actually doing something in girlmode (unless it’s coming out). Somewhere between last time and now, i just don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t care that people look at me, think of me or anything else. I’ve come to a point where i’ve realized i am who i am and other people will just have to deal with that. And if they won’t, that’s their problem, not mine.
Anyways, i biked to the mall with my mom as she wanted to get some groceries. The fish shop is the first thing you see when entering the mall so i just walked right in. I saw her standing in the back while my mom ordered something. My mom called her name to try to engage a conversation. She turned around (she was busy cutting fish) and looked at me. I was shocked by her reaction. There was nothing… She didn’t recognize me. Mind you, i’ve known this girl since grade school all the way up to high school and she just didn’t recognize me. Granted i had short hair and boy clothing on the last time i saw and spoke to her, but i was just baffled by her nonexistant reaction. She treated me just like any other customer, with no indication that she knew who i was. She even heard my (man)voice a couple of times but apparently that did nothing either. We’ve always been relatively good friends before we went our separate ways in life, so she had no reason to not even say hi or something if she recognized me.
I walked out of the shop with a lot of thoughts running through my mind. Have i really changed that much? She even asked my mom about how i was doing last week, how could she not recognize me? It just really fucked with my mind, i could not comprehend how she could not recognize me as the boy i once was, seeing as my girlmode is pretty mediocre (i think).
Trying to calm down, my mom and i went into the bakery to get some stuff. There were no weird looks, no nothing to indicate people possibly thinking i was a dude. I pretty much went into full denial mode shortly after, thinking i was delusional or something because as far as i know i don’t pass that well. I biked back home to give myself a bit of peace of mind.
Some weird thing i do when i come home after doing anything in girlmode is that i look in the mirror to see what i possibly looked like to other people. Usually it’s nothing out of the ordinary and my reaction is something like “whatever”. The thing is, i COULD SEE A FUCKING GIRL LOOKING BACK AT ME this time. I was like whoa what the fuck is happening. Maybe i did look like a girl to other people too i thought to myself. Since my vacation i’ve practiced with makeup and my hair quite a bit so maybe that was the reason i looked better? I don’t know. Maybe i’ve been too harsh on my own judgment whether i pass or not all this time, i’m my own worst critic after all. Or i’m just extremely delusional about my looks, who knows. You can decide for yourself when i post a picture the very first day i start HRT ;).
Oh, i almost forgot
Therapist gatekeeping list:
Tell one of your neighbors Meet/tell someone i knew from high school (in girlmode) More girlmode in my own town (preferably the more shady areas, discrimination here we go!)
- Go to a cinema/club/whatever other recreational situation in girlmode
- Preferably just go fulltime while i’m not even on hormones (this to get hormones, this really sounds backwards doesn’t it :neut )