Body dysphoria

So i woke up this morning, put my contacts in and decided to take a shower. I never shower with my contacts in, but this day i couldn’t be arsed to take them out. What i usually do is just put on my glasses in the morning and take them off when i take a shower.

It was really weird to actually see the bathroom and the water droplets in glorious HD and not as a blurry mess. Now you might be thinking, why the hell is she writing about her shower adventures right? Well…

I’m totally not used to see my naked body as a not blurry and pixelated mess without smooth edges. I am nearsighted with a negative 6 so i pretty much can’t see shit without glasses or contacts. So seeing my naked body in clear sight was quite shocking. I usually don’t have a lot of body dysphoria going on, besides my genitals and the general chest area. But this really was one of the worst dysphoria attacks i’ve ever had mixed with a panic attack.

All the body hair i saw disgusted me severely, i might as well be bigfoot’s daughter. Couldn’t get worse right? I dared to look down and you know what’s supposed to be down there. I got a sick feeling in my stomach and i almost needed to vomit. Meanwhile my dysphoria was eating away at me so i got really uncomfortable so i decided to go out of the shower. When i exit the shower i can see the bathroom mirror hanging there so i saw myself naked in clear sight. Safe to say, i was not happy with what i saw. I saw a long haired man with wide shoulders. Maybe i’m exaggerating, but that’s what it looked like to me.

I always thought when trans people said they couldn’t stand seeing themselves naked in the shower that they were blowing things out of proportion. As it turns out, they weren’t joking, i’ve experienced it now myself. The struggle is real.

This might explain why i’ve never really been bothered by my body when i was younger, as i couldn’t see it clearly enough. Seeing skin coloured blobs didn’t really “activate” my dysphoria aparently, but it does when i see clearly. Seeing myself naked with my glasses on is not something i ever did, because why would i? I assumed nothing was wrong until of course the pieces of my transgender puzzle all fell together.

Safe to say, i’m never taking a shower with my contacts in ever again (or at least until my body starts changing to something more acceptable to my brain).

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