Diary entry #30 – It all begins

monesYes! It’s finally time. The waiting game is over!

I was more calm than usual this morning, which is unusual because i am usually anxious when going to my gender clinic. Of course i knew what was going to happen there so i guess i had nothing to worry about. Public transport on the way there was full to the brim which kind of sucked. I’m not one that has claustrophobic tendencies, but this was pushing my limit. I couldn’t even move in any direction, it was that full.

On the contrary, there were no other people besides the staff at my gender clinic when i arrived. I quickly checked in and got called by a handsome young doctor shortly after. Believe me, this dude was hot. Apparently i’ve got a thing for doctors now. Anyway, he started off explaining what hormones did which of course i already knew so it was just background noise to me. After that he wanted to measure me. This time i had to put off even more clothes than when i was doing the bone scan. Only my underwear was allowed. So yeah that felt kind of awkward. He wanted to measure my height, weight, waist, hips, shoulders and upper arm strength. I expected they would measure more, but luckily i’ve got my own measuring thing going on as you guys know. They also wanted me to cross off which picture of body hair and level of baldness resembled me.

He then explained some more stuff but he said he could skip a whole lot of it because i already knew. So i did just that and then we were pretty much done, just had to sign some documents stating i was fully aware what hormones were going to do to me. The next stop was some blood work further away in the building. They still want to know if i don’t have anything weird in/on me of course. The waiting line for blood work went pretty fast so that was nice.

Once there i saw i had to fill 6 vials. 6 fucking vials. I don’t know how much that totaled to but it seemed like much to me. I’m kind of scared to death of anything medical going into me, so i was looking wide-eyed at the needle. “First time?” the woman said. Well yeah, it was my first time. I’ve always been healthy all of my life so there was never a need for a blood test. I just looked away when she stabbed me with it. Oddly enough i could only feel the needle a bit, but not the blood drawing part. Once she was done with the sixth vial i became all dizzy and nauseous. My sight was blurry and i couldn’t move. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me.

I woke up with a wet towel on my head and my mom holding my hand. Apparently i had fainted from all the blood i lost. She told me i was gone for a good 20 seconds. I had no idea that i was falling away until she told me i did. It seems like not eating or drinking anything (which was mandatory for this blood test) does not work with drawing lots of blood. I immediatly drank some soda and ate something after the woman was done. After that i recovered pretty quickly.

Ten minutes later i had to fill in some paperwork that was about how i was feeling and my sexual life (fun as always). While answering the questions i had a good conversation with a ftm and her mom. Her mom kind of had the same ideas about her child being trans as my mom does so that was nice. Once i was done i got my HRT receipt printed and i could go and get them downstairs. Sadly i only got two weeks worth of it from them, but it’s understandable as there is a possibility i may have a bad reaction to them (the stuff that’s in the pills, not the effects that it gives). Otherwise it would be a pretty big waste of 3 months of hrt if i need another way of administering them.

I went home quickly, well not quickly but just in the figure of speach. I took my first dose of hormones after lunch. My dosage is 50mg cyproterone x 1 and progynova 2mg x 2 a day. Might seem a little high as a starting dose, but that’s just how they do things at my gender clinic.

As of writing this (it’s about 10pm right now) i haven’t felt any different yet from taking it. Apart from the relief of not having my body masculinize anymore of course ;). I’ll make a post next week where i’ll write about what changes i’ve noticed, even though it might be small or not any at all.

PS: the estrogen looks like small skittles (or like birth control) and the cypro like ordinary aspirin which i found kind of funny.

Privacy

I’ve mentioned before that i would post photos during my transition but i’ve changed my mind for the time being. This is not because of you, my followers but for a different reason. I value my privacy and i don’t want to attract unwanted attention to my blog. Pictures of a good transfriend of mine ended up at a fetish website without her consent or knowledge. I don’t want to suffer the same fate. Once it’s on the internet, it’s there forever.

Now, of course i won’t let you guys completely in the dark. I will still try to post pictures, but just in a way that it’s not recognizable as me (e.g. without my head visible) or something. I’m fine with body shots (fully clothed of course).

It’s somewhat likely i will end up posting photo’s with me fully visible in the future, but for now it will just be what i mentioned above. I always found it inspiring to look at timelines and there’s no doubt about it that i will make one too one day. As always, if i change my mind about all this sometime, you’ll see it on here.

I hope you guys understand.

Love,

Naomi

Diary entry #29 – Bone scan

dexa scanSo today i went to my gender clinic again. Not for a talk with my therapist but i had to get a bone density scan. Apparently anti androgens can cause osteoporosis (porous bones) so they probably wanted to scan to have a base level of how my bones are currently.

Anyway, today was a rainy day and it seems like i’ve made a new enemy. Rain fucks my hair up so bad it’s ridiculous. Being as stubborn as i am, i of course didn’t take an umbrella with me. “Because what are the chances it’ll rain” right. Safe to say, i’ve learned my lesson. Continuing on, i did my regular bike, train, subway journey to the gender clinic.

Once there i had a look around where i needed to be. So i walked for a bit until i saw doors with “radiation hazard” on them. That seemed like somewhere i needed to be so i checked in at the reception. The man behind the counter wasn’t even surprised that trans people come here anymore so that was nice.

After a bit of waiting in the waiting room, a doctor called me in. He was a really nice and friendly man so that lifted my anxiety of whatever was going to happen for a bit. Seeing as this was a scan, i had to remove every piece of clothing except my socks, shirt and underwear. It was kind of awkward standing there in my girly hipster but the doctor didn’t seem to mind. I wasn’t the first trans person to come there half naked he said jokingly.

He told me what we were going to do and that i had to lie down on a bed with this scan thing above me. Not only did he need a full body scan, he wanted separate ones for my legs and arms too. So i had to lie down in different positions to get the best images of those areas. The scan thing buzzing above my head was kind of scary but other than that it was pretty cool to see. It was pretty fun that the bed moved too so it kind of felt like i was in some sort of flight simulator.

After it all was done he thanked me and said he’d send the results to my therapist. Hopefully it’s nothing too bad ;). I also wanted to make sure my endocrinologist appointment was on the right date, as i really didn’t want that to go wrong. I moved my appointment because of college exams, but worry not, it’s just a mere two days later. So i asked the woman at the gender clinic’s reception and she said everything was fine so atleast i have no worries about that anymore :). Sadly it was raining on the way home so i pretty much looked like a wet cat, which kind of hurts my passing capability. But oh well i have my own stupidity to blame.

In other news: Apparently i get started immediatly on hormones once i’ve gone to the endocrinologist according to reliable sources (my irl trans friends). I don’t even have to wait for bloodwork results, they just give me the standard dose to take home with me. After a month on hormones they’ll look if my dose needs to be higher or lower, which is fine with me. This means i’ll be actually starting sooner than i expected, and by that i mean at the end of this month :). I’m kind of stressing out already but i’m confident i’ll be able to handle it once the time is there.

Diary entry #28 – It’s happening!

It's Happening! - ImgurI got to hear whether i may start hormone treatment today at my gender clinic. I won’t keep you guys in suspense any longer, but as always i’ll tell you how everything went today.

I was more anxious than usual this morning, which is pretty normal i guess because if he was going to say yes, that would have a pretty big impact on my life. The train today was more crowded than usual which sucked, but luckily most of the people are like zombies in the morning looking at their phones so i was pretty much invisible to them. Not that i really give a damn anymore whether someone looks at me or not.

My mom and i arrived at the gender clinic shortly. For some reason we were way too early so we had to wait for a bit for my therapist to get me. After a good 30 minutes i saw him walking towards me from the hall. “Naomi, come with me” he said. This was the first time he ever adressed me with my girl name so i knew something was up. We went in his little room and he started recapping stuff i did last month and then asked me what i did this month. I told him i did more girlmode in town and more of the same stuff i already did before. I know i didn’t post about those ventures on here because i thought it wasn’t that interesting, sorry. That and i don’t feel like posting every little thing that happens on this blog.

Anyway, he told he me discussed me with the other therapists at the clinic. They came to the conclusion that based on what i had already done that i was ready to start with hormone treatment. I really had an internal victory moment right there. Sadly there was a but… (yes there is always a but). He wants me to go fulltime ASAP, and by that he means after 1.5 months of hormones and earlier if possible. It isn’t ideal, but if that was the deal i had to make i was willing to accept that.

He asked me if i wanted to get my mom in there and tell her the good news. And so i did. My mom was really happy for me and my therapist told a little bit what was going to happen during hormone treatment. Of course i already knew what effects are to be expected on hormones so there was nothing new i heard. And that was pretty much all he had to say to me. It was more of an announcement appointment than discussing stuff really.

He walked to the counter after shaking hands with me and told the guy there to make an appointment with the endocrinologist. It’s finally happening went through my mind and i got a really warm and bubbly feeling. So yeah near the end of this month i’ve got an appointment with the endo. He’ll do some tests on me and draw some of my blood to see my hormone levels. I also got another appointment for next week on my appointment sheet. It’s for measuring bone density or something. Why they need that is beyond me but it’s probably for research or something that bones change on hormones i guess.

My therapist also said i was allowed to change my name right now. They immediatly changed it at the gender clinic itself, but i have go to my own county to ask for a change in my birth certificate and identification card. I won’t change it right away because i think there’s going to be some problems with the administration if i am not actually living fulltime as a girl yet.

I just got to say, i’m so god damn happy right now you can’t even imagine. I’m celebrating this victory (is calling this a victory weird lol?) with my family tomorrow with a delicious piece of pie :).

I’m going bald

For the past few months i’ve been losing more hair than i’m comfortable with. My temples and hairline have already receded quite a bit. A little bald spot is forming on the back of my head too. On the top of my head i can see the follicles are already in their last growth phase and look glaringly different from my other hairs. It will only be a matter of time before it falls out too.

It scares me, really. I don’t want to be a girl with balding spots and an obviously receded hairline. My dad was already bald when he turned 21. My brother has obvious see-through hair and he’ll be probably be bald too in a year or two. Pretty much all the men in my (extended) family have this problem. It seems it’s embedded in our genes or something.

Now i hope hormones will prevent any more damage to my hair, but who knows, the hormone DHT (part of testosterone) is not always the cause of baldness. I feel it’s already to late to start taking finasteride since i’ll be taking hormones in a few months anyway. That and i know my gender clinic will never prescribe it and my family doctor probably won’t either. My gender clinic sees balding in mtf’s as a non-problem. You’ll probably get an answer like “why don’t you just buy a wig then” if you ask them about it. To be honest, i’m getting really sick and tired of the general non-caring way they treat us.

Well that was it for my rant, i just needed to vent for a bit.