Life story part #16 – Depersonalisation

I also had some kind of depersonalisation during high school. When i looked into the mirror i didn’t recognize the guy that looked back at me anymore. What my brain said i was, wasn’t to be seen in the mirror. My brain probably expected to see a girl, but she wasn’t there.

Deep down i knew the person the mirror showed me was supposed to be me, but it just felt so disconnected and far away. The image the mirror showed and what i felt like didn’t add up. Sometimes i even felt like some kind of emotionless robot with no control over his body.

Life story part #15 – Love and jealousy

At the begin of one of the years in high school a girl fell in love with me. Why she saw me as a potential love interest instead of all the other guys is unknown to me. She was easily the best looking in my class, i wasn’t even close to being in the same league as her. Sometimes she “accidentally” touched me, just to have a reason to be close to me. She also liked calling my name really enthousiastic. Her friends always tried to send me her way so she could be with me. This girl was madly in love with me. I understood that i had to take the next step if i wanted a relationship with her because she was way too shy to ask me.

Only the problem was, i didn’t love her back, i was just extremely jealous of her because she was a girl. Essentially i only saw her as access to clothing and make-up. Because of this jealousy i just couldn’t see myself being in a relationship with her so i stopped showing interest in her. After a while she got the message that i didn’t want her so she gave up trying to be together.

Life story part #14 – Eating disorder

On high school a lot of different things happened. During breaks i often sat with the rest of the guys. I was scared of sitting with the girls because i thought the rest of the guys might think i was gay. After a while i got extremely uncomfortable around the guys that i developed some kind of eating disorder. I just couldn’t eat when i was around them and more than half of the time i just threw my food away.

Surprisingly enough, i was able to eat just fine when i was around the girls. I somehow felt safe and comfortable around them. I’ve never gone as far as to actually develop anorexia during this period, i ate more when i was at home so i wouldn’t lose too much weight.

Life story part # 13 – Clothing

I was 16 and for most people this age should be one of the most fun years of their puberty. Not for me. I got more feelings i didn’t know or wanted to have. I began to get aversion of my boy clothing because i didn’t like how it looked and it just didn’t feel right.

When our family went into the city i sometimes looked into the shops to see what female outfits the mannequins were wearing. If we went into a clothing shop i saw all kinds of female clothing i wanted to buy and wear. But of course i was a boy so we just raced past the women’s section onto the men’s section. I really had to hold myself back not to say anything to my mom about that i didn’t want to wear boy’s clothing anymore. But i was extremely scared what my parents would think of it so i never told them and just kept buying boy’s clothing.

Progress report: measurements month 1

So it’s been exactly a month since i started hormones, so i might as well post my progress as promised.

It’s easier to navigate if you click your scrollwheel once. If you can’t do that, the slider can be found all the way on the bottom.

Notable changes:

  • Lost weight
  • Chest/bust size grew a little
  • Softer skin
  • Facial/chest hair grows slower
  • Lower libido and very few (if at all) spontaneous erections
  • Less visible veins

Diary entry #31 – Back to the therapist

backAlthough i’m now done with diagnostics and already on hormones, i still have to see my therapist every once in a while. Just to talk about how i’m doing and try to help with a couple of things i might have trouble with.

So i went to the gender clinic as usual, nothing out of the ordinary. And of course it still looked like a dead place, as only one other person was there. I was half an hour early so i just waited for a bit until the other person asked me something. “Hey, you on hormones?”. I answered with yes and he wanted to ask me some questions about it. “You notice any change in libido?”. I said it sure was lower than before i started hormones. He didn’t like that answer. “Sex is a big thing in my life and i don’t want to lose my libido”. I told him that hormones work different on everyone so he might not lose it. He seemed to be ok with that answer. He was a weird dude nonetheless, sitting there with a full beard and he did want hormones but not all of the effects that it gave. He wasn’t planning to live as a woman either. I’m pretty sure i just talked with a confused crossdresser or something.

Anyway, my therapist went to get me. I had to tell him how i experienced my first month on hormones. He said i was pretty early with my breasts budding, but the rest of the effects were relatively on par. Then we talked about me going fulltime. I am already sorta fulltime (sorry guys, i didn’t tell you about this!) except for college. College will follow in due time (somewhere early next year). He was fine with that and told me to just keep doing what i was doing. After he was done i talked a bit with a transgirl about some trans things in the waiting room.

To be honest, i think these new meetings with my therapist are a complete waste of time. It barely lasted half an hour. I feel like these meetings are just to make sure i’m still alive and doing well or something. If i have nothing to tell, not much will happen during the meeting. Sucks it’s mandatory though.

Life Story part #12 – Coping mechanism

I turned 15 years old. I played a lot of online or flash games on my computer and on the console (360). I liked playing dress ’em up games where you could essentially dress a girl up in all kinds of clothing. I also chose the female character in games if that was possible, but only if i thought it wouldn’t raise too much suspicion among my family.

In one of those games (mmorpg) i had a female character. My friends in that game thought i was a girl in real life too because of the way i behaved and wrote. To me it didn’t feel weird but just natural to behave like that.

As the year went on i discovered that that i could sort of hide these “gender feelings” or completely forget them for a short while when i played games. This became one of my biggest coping mechanisms to not have to deal with my gender dysphoria.

Life Story part #11 – Research and “the narrative”

We moved to our new house and i was 14 years old. Shortly after we moved in i bought my own computer and put it in my room. Of course i was very curious as to what there was to find about transgender people on the internet. And because the computer was mine, my parents would never see what i searched for.

I watched a lot of documentaries about transgender people and looked up some information. Most of the documentaries were spoken in english and usually about trans people above their forties. After watching a couple of them i still reached the same conclusion as a few years back. It was still impossible i could be the same because i didn’t crossdress and didnt have super early gender dysphoria like everyone in the documentaries. It didn’t occur to me then that maybe not everyone had the same narrative the media presented to us.

From this age i also started wishing i would turn into a girl every birthday. I knew it was never going to happen like this, but it was worth a try. Dreams and fantasies where i was a girl became more frequent too. Sometimes i even daydreamed about memories and how i would have experienced that if i were a girl. And once in a blue moon i still tried wishing i would wake up as a girl before going to bed. Of course i knew this was biologically impossible so i stopped with that shortly after.

Progress report: Week 4 on HRT

Week 4 of taking fem&m’s

22 november 2014

  • I’m still losing weight

23 november 2014

  • I’ve got breast buds! (this might have happened a few days earlier but i didn’t know whether it really were breast buds until i started reading about it on this day)

25 november 2014

  • Breasts are starting to grow
  • Facial and chest hair definitely grow slower

I will post the month 1 on hrt measurements in a few days.

Life Story part #10 – Spiraling further down

Halfway through the year we (my family) were moving to a temporary house because our new house wasn’t done yet. I began to get more and more depressed as time went on and i really didn’t see a future where i was a boy.

There was a long road between school and our temporary house. Most of the time when i was cycling home i was thinking about comitting suicide. I saw no outcome in my future where i was supposed to be a man. I thought maybe if i comitted suicide, reincarnation would make me be reborn as a girl and finally have a life without all those shitty gender feelings. Nobody would miss me anyway if i did, except maybe my parents.

Only in my bed with my eyes closed i could calm down, then at least i didn’t have to see my manly body. I imagined the most unrealistic scenarios of how i didn’t have to be a boy anymore there too. In one of them i hoped to get into a car crash where i would lose my genitals. Then the doctors would have no other option than to make a girl out of me. Or in another one that i could magically switch bodies with some random girl.

Because of all these suicidal and depressing thoughts i had no motivation anymore to do anything at school. You could easily see that back in what grades i got. Of course because of that i didn’t pass that year and the next year i would be transferred to another school.

At the end of the schoolyear i thought comitting suicide was too easy to get rid of these feelings and that only “losers” did that. I even promised myself that i should wait until i was 18 years old so i could reach a conclusion and if these feelings really were going to stay.