The following few posts will be about my puberty. This is also when my dysphoria got a lot worse.
I was at (junior) high school for a few months already and i was 13 years old. This is also the time puberty started and all the misery that came with it. My voice began to get deeper, body hair grew everywhere and my muscles got bigger. All the changes that puberty did to my body were really frustrating and depressing and i wanted it to stop. Pubes on my genitals was one of the things i absolutely hated and i wanted it gone, including my penis.
During gym training (P.E/physical excercise) the differences between boys and girls were easy to see. The girls already had some breast growth and the boys were more muscular and hairy. I wanted breasts too and look like one of the girls, but i couldn’t as i was born as a boy. When i saw what the rest of the guys were starting to look like and how they behaved, i knew i didn’t want to be like that.
I became insanely jealous of the girls in my class and sometimes i behaved like a stereotypical boy as a coping mechanism. I even did some things like bullying girls to enforce the idea that i was in fact a boy. In the end though, the longing to be a girl became bigger and bigger. I wanted everything they had, but i had no idea how to do such a thing.