Life Story part #10 – Spiraling further down

Halfway through the year we (my family) were moving to a temporary house because our new house wasn’t done yet. I began to get more and more depressed as time went on and i really didn’t see a future where i was a boy.

There was a long road between school and our temporary house. Most of the time when i was cycling home i was thinking about comitting suicide. I saw no outcome in my future where i was supposed to be a man. I thought maybe if i comitted suicide, reincarnation would make me be reborn as a girl and finally have a life without all those shitty gender feelings. Nobody would miss me anyway if i did, except maybe my parents.

Only in my bed with my eyes closed i could calm down, then at least i didn’t have to see my manly body. I imagined the most unrealistic scenarios of how i didn’t have to be a boy anymore there too. In one of them i hoped to get into a car crash where i would lose my genitals. Then the doctors would have no other option than to make a girl out of me. Or in another one that i could magically switch bodies with some random girl.

Because of all these suicidal and depressing thoughts i had no motivation anymore to do anything at school. You could easily see that back in what grades i got. Of course because of that i didn’t pass that year and the next year i would be transferred to another school.

At the end of the schoolyear i thought comitting suicide was too easy to get rid of these feelings and that only “losers” did that. I even promised myself that i should wait until i was 18 years old so i could reach a conclusion and if these feelings really were going to stay.


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