Life Story part #11 – Research and “the narrative”

We moved to our new house and i was 14 years old. Shortly after we moved in i bought my own computer and put it in my room. Of course i was very curious as to what there was to find about transgender people on the internet. And because the computer was mine, my parents would never see what i searched for.

I watched a lot of documentaries about transgender people and looked up some information. Most of the documentaries were spoken in english and usually about trans people above their forties. After watching a couple of them i still reached the same conclusion as a few years back. It was still impossible i could be the same because i didn’t crossdress and didnt have super early gender dysphoria like everyone in the documentaries. It didn’t occur to me then that maybe not everyone had the same narrative the media presented to us.

From this age i also started wishing i would turn into a girl every birthday. I knew it was never going to happen like this, but it was worth a try. Dreams and fantasies where i was a girl became more frequent too. Sometimes i even daydreamed about memories and how i would have experienced that if i were a girl. And once in a blue moon i still tried wishing i would wake up as a girl before going to bed. Of course i knew this was biologically impossible so i stopped with that shortly after.

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