A summary of happenings in 2014

In case you missed anything or are new to this blog and didn’t read everything ;).

In chronological order:

I hope next year is going to be just as great as this one and i wish a happy new year to all my followers!

Progress report: measurements month 2

So yeah, i remeasured and here it is. This time just click the link to see the whole spreadsheet, embedding made it awfully small last time. If it doesn’t work, please let me know.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1wb8kGWWGmt3HJpo_7PUiBviFdWlOzBoNlvJnJbSr2jE/edit#gid=0

Notable changes

  • Breasts got bigger
  • Waist got slightly smaller
  • Lower strength / Lost muscle mass
  • Better sense of smell
  • Hair possibly regrowing

Progress report: Week 8 on HRT

Week 8 of taking hormones

18 december 2014

  • My sense of smell may have improved (I seem to be able to smell things from further away)

23 december 2014

  • Breasts are bigger and still growing

 

From now on these updates will become monthly posts. This is because changes are getting less noticeable and there are fewer new things to write about.

Progress report: Week 7 on HRT

Week 7 of taking hormones

12 december 2014

  • I may have lost some upper arm strength ( I doubt the boxes of christmas decorations from last year suddenly got heavier 😉 )

14 december 2014

  • Very tiny hairs are regrowing on my temples
  • I feel generally more joyful/happy and it’s easier to laugh at things since starting hormones

16 december

  • I underestimated the amount of muscle and energy i’ve lost, cycling to the train station is a lot harder than before

 

 

About the life story

As you guys know, i’ve finished posting my life story. However, there are still memories i haven’t written about. At the time of writing my life story i decided not to include them as they were relatively small (except two). They do have some value to the understanding of me being transgender, so if you guys think that’s interesting to read about, i’ll start writing.

Life story part #30 – End

I turned 21. My gender dysphoria has gotten a little less irritating but it still comes back strong every once in a while when i see things that “trigger” me. Whenever i wear my female clothing, it relieves some of my dysphoria. Sometimes i see a girl in the mirror, although only for a split-second. It always takes a while before i notice that that girl was me. When that happens, it always makes me really happy. Sadly enough, my genitals are still the biggest source of my gender dysphoria, sometimes it gets so bad that i get a vomit response. Waiting for the diagnostic phase at my gender clinic to start is not fun, but luckily i have some support from a few trans friends. Even though i have to wait for 6 months, i do have time now to learn girly things like make-up and hairstyles.

I also found a female name for myself. I am now unoficially called Naomi.

 

I finished writing my life story on paper on 11 january 2014. This is the last paragraph i wrote.

Life story part #29 – Clothes shopping

A week after my intake appointment at the gender clinic i went (women’s) clothes shopping and my mom and brother tagged along. The first thing i noticed was that women have so many more different kinds of clothing to choose from. It was also kind of confusing as i didn’t know where to start. Browsing around in the women’s section was sort of scary because i thought people would mind that a guy went through racks of clothing. After  some searching i ended up with two skinny jeans and three tops. As exciting as it was, i didn’t dare to go to the checkout myself so i let my mother do it. I was way too scared to buy it myself.

After going home and waiting till the clothes were washed, i tried them on. It made me really happy wearing this, it was kind of a warm feeling. I noticed that it just felt right and normal in comparison to my men’s clothing. It also felt much more comfortable and i never wanted to put it off again.

Life story part #28 – College (1st year)

A week after coming out to my parents i had to go to college for the first time. It was a nice college and all, the only problem was 80% of all the students were female. My own class also consisted of more than 70% of girls. As you could’ve guessed, i got pretty jealous of the girls in my class because i wanted to be just like them. Sometimes my gender dysphoria really took a toll on me which resulted in almost having a panic attack in the middle of class. If you ever had a moment of “I need to get the fuck out of here right now”, it was kind of like that. Only that with me when my gender dysphoria was strong, that thought was the norm. My mind would go a thousand miles a minute with thoughts like “She has pretty hair” and “i wonder how she does her make-up” if i didn’t focus. Sometimes i even ditched classes because i just couldn’t manage my dysphoria.

I knew some girls in my class knew that i was different, but not in what kind of way. I was concious about my movements when i walked and the way i spoke. I made sure it didn’t seem too feminine so people wouldn’t guess i was transgender or something. In reality i knew that very few people would even know what transgender was or meant, but i still held back my feminine mannerisms. So at college i painted this masculine image of myself, even though that wasn’t really me and i felt shit about it when i behaved like that. I was filled with fear that someone would suspect anything at all.

Life story part #27 – Denial and acceptance

My gender dysphoria got worse and worse. Accepting myself as transgender was very hard for me. I woke up every morning with denial and went to bed with acceptance. This routine went on for a while. After a while i had accepted myself as transgender but i still didn’t want it. I didn’t want any of these feelings anymore. When i tried to cry i just couldn’t do it, i had been telling myself that boys don’t cry for years on end. I felt dead inside and didn’t see my life going anywhere. I wanted to end it because i didn’t want to live like this anymore.

I thought about jumping in front of a car or train, then at least nobody had to deal with my problems other than me. The train station was only a mile away so i could have easily killed myself. I tried to think rationally about all these feelings. What my parents would think of it could impossibly be worse than comitting suicide i thought to myself. And was a chance at a happy life not better than no life at all? After thinking things through i decided to tell my parents because i just couldn’t handle the lie of me acting like i was a normal guy anymore.

 

This post is  followed in my blog by this post a week later. The next few life story posts will overlap with some things that semi-recently happened, but you haven’t read yet.