Life story part #21 – Love 2.0 and sickness

I was 18 years old, and an adult now according to the law. A girl from my class liked me. She constantly nagged at me when i would go out with her. Watching a movie or getting wasted on alcohol, she didn’t care, she just wanted to do stuff together. Her friends always tried to steer me away from my friends to her direction. I could already see it happening, the same thing as when i was 16. Of course i got extremely jealous of this girl. I had to not show interest again to get rid of her. I also still felt uncomfortable whenever i hung around the guys, and the eating disorder didn’t disappear either.

During christmas i got very sick. I couldn’t eat and had to throw up a lot. The “gender feelings” also came back pretty strong. My mom told me we had to go to the general practicioner to see what was wrong with me. I thought about telling him that perhaps i was transgender but in the end i didn’t do it.

What if he declared me as an insane person? My sickness turned out to be a strong stomach flu. The promise i made to myself when i was 13 meant nothing to me. I still couldnt reach a conclusion whether i really was transgender or if it was just some deranged fantasy. I kept hoping that one day these “gender feelings” would disappear.


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