Life story part #27 – Denial and acceptance

My gender dysphoria got worse and worse. Accepting myself as transgender was very hard for me. I woke up every morning with denial and went to bed with acceptance. This routine went on for a while. After a while i had accepted myself as transgender but i still didn’t want it. I didn’t want any of these feelings anymore. When i tried to cry i just couldn’t do it, i had been telling myself that boys don’t cry for years on end. I felt dead inside and didn’t see my life going anywhere. I wanted to end it because i didn’t want to live like this anymore.

I thought about jumping in front of a car or train, then at least nobody had to deal with my problems other than me. The train station was only a mile away so i could have easily killed myself. I tried to think rationally about all these feelings. What my parents would think of it could impossibly be worse than comitting suicide i thought to myself. And was a chance at a happy life not better than no life at all? After thinking things through i decided to tell my parents because i just couldn’t handle the lie of me acting like i was a normal guy anymore.

 

This post is  followed in my blog by this post a week later. The next few life story posts will overlap with some things that semi-recently happened, but you haven’t read yet.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s