A week after coming out to my parents i had to go to college for the first time. It was a nice college and all, the only problem was 80% of all the students were female. My own class also consisted of more than 70% of girls. As you could’ve guessed, i got pretty jealous of the girls in my class because i wanted to be just like them. Sometimes my gender dysphoria really took a toll on me which resulted in almost having a panic attack in the middle of class. If you ever had a moment of “I need to get the fuck out of here right now”, it was kind of like that. Only that with me when my gender dysphoria was strong, that thought was the norm. My mind would go a thousand miles a minute with thoughts like “She has pretty hair” and “i wonder how she does her make-up” if i didn’t focus. Sometimes i even ditched classes because i just couldn’t manage my dysphoria.
I knew some girls in my class knew that i was different, but not in what kind of way. I was concious about my movements when i walked and the way i spoke. I made sure it didn’t seem too feminine so people wouldn’t guess i was transgender or something. In reality i knew that very few people would even know what transgender was or meant, but i still held back my feminine mannerisms. So at college i painted this masculine image of myself, even though that wasn’t really me and i felt shit about it when i behaved like that. I was filled with fear that someone would suspect anything at all.