Slowly crawling towards the half year mark.
31 january 2015
- Skin complexion on my face seems to be changing (acne scars disappearing too)
7 february 2015
- Armpit hair grows a lot slower
8 february 2015
- My taste may have changed (i don’t like some foods now that i used to like before).
13 february 2015
- Started taking a different kind of estrogen, breasts seem to ache again
15 february 2015
- Certain parts of my genital area have gotten noticeably smaller.
21 february 2015
- I seem to have lost some hair on my upper legs
26 february 2015
- Breasts hurt again, not sure if they are growing
I’ve been seeing a girl staring back at me in the mirror more and more lately. Just now i cried when i saw myself. I had tears running down my face and i couldn’t stop looking at my reflection. These weren’t tears of sadness, but tears of joy. Seeing the real me standing there after all those years gives me an unimaginable good feeling. It’s a feeling of incredible happiness and that everything is going to be alright. Like probably any other transperson, i sometimes have doubts about some things too (will i pass? will people accept me for who i am?). With hormones making me look more and more like a girl and seeing that girl in the mirror, these doubts are slowly fading away.
I’ve been way too hard on myself for the past few months. I need to start telling myself that it’s okay to make mistakes and that everything is going to be fine. Rome wasn’t built in a day after all.
As you guys may know, i had a new college class this year which didn’t know about me being transgender. Yesterday i decided to tell them. This is how it went.
In the morning i was rehearsing what i was gonna say to my class because i didn’t want to read it from a piece of paper. I arrived at college at 11 am, at which i had my first lesson. The day before a vague e-mail had been sent out to my class stating that they should gather in a certain classroom at 1pm. In the hallway to the first lesson i overheard people talking about it and wondering why they had to be there at that time. Some of them thought it was because our class was way too loud in the past few lessons (causing multiple teachers to leave class). Others thought that it may just be some standard college event that had to be talked about. Eventually i hinted to a few girls that it was about me, but that i wouldn’t tell what it was just yet. One said she would respect whatever i would tell so that was kind of nice.
There weren’t many people during the first lesson so i was kind of scared that they wouldn’t show up for my “coming out” too. The teacher had an awful long lesson and when it was nearing 1pm she was looking at me trying to figure out if she should continue with her lesson the next time. I looked kind of anxious as i was looking at the clock on the wall so she decided to continue next time for my sake. My coming out was to be in another building (we switch classrooms with nearby college buildings sometimes) so i walked there a little anxiously. Before actually going to the classroom i decided to brush my hair and tried to look nice just to add a bit of a feminine touch to my appearance.
Once there the class was already full with people, save for a few. When i walked to the front i saw my teacher from last year (who helped me with my first and second college coming out). I was very surprised to see her here and she told me the other teachers e-mailed her that i would be doing this. So she took an hour off work (she works somewhere else now) just to see me do this again. I thought of this as extremely sweet of her and that it’s some pretty hard dedication to come just for me. The other teacher started her talk about that one student (me) wanted to tell them a story. It ended with “Will [boyname] please come forward.
So there i was, standing in front of the whole class again. Surprisingly i was very calm. I started with telling them that some people in the class already knew (two to be exact) and that they might have noticed something different about me lately. After that the usual explaining of what transgender was and then i talked about where i was being treated and what hormones already changed to my body. To end my talk i told them that i was already pretty much fulltime everywhere but at college so that this would be my last step.
Of course i asked if they had any questions after. I saw that they just had to have a little bit of time for what i told to settle down in their minds so it took a min for them to ask any questions. There were a lot more questions than last time, but most of them were the same, save for a few. Of course the “So… are you into guys or girls” question was in there too. One guy said that probably the whole class would agree that it’s no problem here if i were to show up as Naomi. The whole class kind of nodded along with that statement. This took a lot of my fears away of actually presenting as a girl at college. Apparently it’s not as bad as i thought it would be. So i’ll probably go fulltime there sooner than later.
The next lesson i already got “accepted” into a group of girls. They treated me just like any other girl which felt really nice. Also, it seems like girls lower their defenses when they’re with other girls. They just don’t talk about some stuff when there’s men around. They talked freely with me about those things so it seems like i’m one of the girls now even though i was in boymode. I really like that i’m not being rejected by my class in any way whatsoever.
A bit late, but that’s because i have been going to college again and didn’t have the time to measure myself in the morning. Anyway, here it is. Scroll to the right to see month 3.
- I shrank in size a little bit
- Breasts stopped growing for now
- Feet got a little smaller
- Thighs got bigger
- I sweat less
I went to college this week again because the third semester started. During this week i noticed something. For some reason, women seem to look at me much more often than before. I’m pretty sure it’s not confirmation bias because i’ve always looked at people a lot and they weren’t doing this.
The thing is, i can’t quite figure out why they’re doing this all of a sudden. As of now i still present in boymode to and from college (i will go fulltime in 2-3 months so don’t worry 🙂 ) and only one thing has changed. I’ve been taking hormones. As far as i know my face hasn’t changed yet (well maybe a tiny bit) so they must be picking something up from somewhere else. While my breasts are noticeable through my vest if i move in some positions, i usually wear my coat over it so you can’t see them so i doubt they pick up from that either.
It’s like women have a sixth sense built in to spot other women, even women in transition. One girl i passed in college did a double take when she was looking at me. Like she wasn’t sure what she was looking at. As far as i know my boymode isn’t close to failing so i have no idea what they’re picking up on that essentially i’m a girl too. I know people see me differently than i see myself, but i’m just lost why this happens.
I believe my college class (which i haven’t told yet, will do soon though) is also noticing that there’s something different about me compared to 3 months ago (in which i did an internship so i didn’t see them). i know they’ve seen that i’m uncomfortable but they don’t know the reason why. The reason here of course is that its getting harder and harder for me to stay presenting as a guy. Emotionally it’s taking a toll on me so i’ll probably go fulltime sooner than later.
Eventually one guy did ask in private why i seemed to feel so down. I told him i was transgender because i just couldn’t muster the power to make up some fake story. According to him it made sense and thought it was pretty cool. He also offered to support me if i needed it so that was nice.
So yeah… i’m still trying to wrap my head around some of this stuff.