I went to college this week again because the third semester started. During this week i noticed something. For some reason, women seem to look at me much more often than before. I’m pretty sure it’s not confirmation bias because i’ve always looked at people a lot and they weren’t doing this.
The thing is, i can’t quite figure out why they’re doing this all of a sudden. As of now i still present in boymode to and from college (i will go fulltime in 2-3 months so don’t worry 🙂 ) and only one thing has changed. I’ve been taking hormones. As far as i know my face hasn’t changed yet (well maybe a tiny bit) so they must be picking something up from somewhere else. While my breasts are noticeable through my vest if i move in some positions, i usually wear my coat over it so you can’t see them so i doubt they pick up from that either.
It’s like women have a sixth sense built in to spot other women, even women in transition. One girl i passed in college did a double take when she was looking at me. Like she wasn’t sure what she was looking at. As far as i know my boymode isn’t close to failing so i have no idea what they’re picking up on that essentially i’m a girl too. I know people see me differently than i see myself, but i’m just lost why this happens.
I believe my college class (which i haven’t told yet, will do soon though) is also noticing that there’s something different about me compared to 3 months ago (in which i did an internship so i didn’t see them). i know they’ve seen that i’m uncomfortable but they don’t know the reason why. The reason here of course is that its getting harder and harder for me to stay presenting as a guy. Emotionally it’s taking a toll on me so i’ll probably go fulltime sooner than later.
Eventually one guy did ask in private why i seemed to feel so down. I told him i was transgender because i just couldn’t muster the power to make up some fake story. According to him it made sense and thought it was pretty cool. He also offered to support me if i needed it so that was nice.
So yeah… i’m still trying to wrap my head around some of this stuff.