Progress report: Month 5 on HRT

A whole lot of nothing this month

17 march 2015

  • Looking back at photo’s before hormones, my face definitely got smoother and rounder

So… yeah pretty much nothing new happened this month, i hope next month is more exciting.

Diary entry #35 – To college as a girl

collegeSo a while ago i decided to finally try to go to college as a girl (sorry for the late post, busy schedule). College was still one of the things i had left on the list of places i wasn’t fulltime at because i was afraid to be judged by everyone. So here’s how it went.

So one day i just decided to give it a go because i couldn’t procrastinate not doing it endlessly. That and i was getting pretty depressed with keeping showing up as a guy. It just felt wrong and i couldn’t handle it emotionally anymore. At one point i came home crying every day because the burden of presenting as a guy was getting too much for me. So that counted heavily in my decision to finally go to college as a girl.

Anyway, i woke up at 7 am while college started at 11. I wasn’t sure how much time i needed to get ready so i just thought 4 hours would be enough. After leaving the shower i had to decide what to wear. This is where problem #1 arised. Now what would i wear to make a good first impression i thought to myself. Something comfortable, flashy or formal? After standing longer in front of my wardrobe than i’d like to tell, i settled on the option something comfortable. I wouldn’t want to wear something i wouldn’t feel “right” in after all. I wore a dark gray cardigan, light blue skinny jeans, a dark blue top, a white belt and my white sneakers (or what is left of the white). It looked kinda nice so i went on with doing my hair and makeup.

Makeup also took me way longer than usual, my facial hair shadow just didn’t want to be hidden. After what felt like i put copious amounts of foundation on, it finally looked like something i could go out with. Luckily enough the rest of my makeup was fairly easy and fast (mascara, concealer, eyeliner). And my hair was done pretty quickly too, i just put my hair serum in it, brush it a few times and it looks nice and it could blind a person with its shinyness. Now problem #2 arised. I had bought a new bag but i had no idea what stuff to put where in it, it had so many small spaces. When i wear my backpack it’s really easy, i know exactly what goes where. After figuring out this maze of a bag i kind of just put things in the spaces that seemed most practical to me. I never would have imagined filling a bag would be a problem, but there you go.

So i put on my winter coat and on my way i went. To my surprise, nobody stared at me in public transportation, which was new. Usually it’s one or two people looking at me trying to figure out whether i’m a guy or a girl. So that day was a good day in that regard. Once i arrived at college i saw about 5 people from my class standing around the entrance. No reaction whatsoever once they saw me, save for one girl that smiled at me. It was kind of odd them not having any reaction, i atleast expected something along the lines of “hey [boyname] cool to finally see you as a girl”.

And this is where problem #3 arised. I had to pee really bad. I heard enough stories on the news about transwomen getting kicked out of women’s bathrooms at schools for whatever reason so i was noticeably anxious. I decided to take what looked to me the bathroom with the least amount of people going in. And oh boy was i wrong. As i walked in it was the most crowded bathroom i had ever seen. So many women. As i walked towards a stall i kept repeating “act like you belong here” in my head. Luckily, the women there weren’t bothered seeing a girl (me) doing kind of an awkward walk towards the stall. After i did my thing i just got out of the bathroom as fast as i could. It was a pretty intimidating experience to say the least. I know women have nothing to fear from me, i wouldn’t harm a fly, but i could imagine that some of them wouldn’t feel comfortable if they knew a transgirl was there.

After leaving that situation i rushed to my first lesson as it had already started. My whole class saw me as i sat down, but there wasn’t any reaction whatsoever either. The only thing i could read from their faces was something like “Oh hey, [boyname] comes to college as a girl now”. Even the teacher didn’t flinch when she read the name list. Which is super weird, because she doesn’t even know i’m transgender. She looked at me like it was the most normal thing ever. Apparently teachers just don’t care or something. I bet i could show up in a banana costume and she wouldn’t even care. After the lesson was done, one girl from my class mentioned that she liked my winter coat and wondered where i bought it. So that was kind of a nice compliment i guess.

The rest of the day i didn’t really do much except for practicing in the radio studio with my project group. I also sat down in the lunch area where nobody bat an eye towards me. Except for when i started talking to some friends, one girl looked at me trying to figure out if i was a girl with a deep voice or if it was something else. And i don’t know if this is the most transgender accepting college ever or that i look enough like a girl that people don’t really notice there’s something different about me. Of course i hope it’s the latter option. Sadly, my class didn’t bother to actually call me Naomi or use she/her pronouns. I’m not one for enforcing pronouns on people, but it would be nice if they did. But i knew it’s still new for them too so i figured it takes time for them to change that.

So i regularly go as a girl to college now. But since i still haven’t changed my legal name (coming soon!) i still have to come as a guy sometimes because of exams and such. We have these college passes with your photo and full name on it that you need whenever you make anything resembling a test. In girlmode i look nothing like the photo so i think it wouldn’t be very smart to take the chance to get kicked out of an exam.

So yeah, that first day was quite the experience. But entirely worth it i think as it took away my fear of presenting as a girl at college.

Seeing people from the past

So today i was on the train station. As usual i was waiting for the train to come. As i looked around i saw someone in the distance that i vaguely recognised. As he walked closer i saw that it was a guy from high school i knew. As i saw him i froze in place. Mind you, i was in girlmode. As he saw me he was trying to wrap his head around it who i exactly was, but he definitely recognized me. He did that thing where you look back and forth real fast. We stood there for what seemed like a minute, but it was probably just a few seconds. I just wasn’t sure what to do. Do i walk to him and talk to him about that i’m a girl now? Or do i ignore him and walk away. Eventually i chose the latter option, i didn’t want a confrontation to happen. In high school he had an opinion on trans people that wasn’t very good so i think i did the right thing.

I know i will eventually encounter more of these situations since i still live in my birthplace and the guy isn’t the only one there from my past that uses the train station. What i will do when that happens, i don’t know. I think it depends on who the person is and where i am at that moment. Also, it’s kind of odd that people from my past do recognise me, but random people just see me as any other female. I’m not sure what gives me away, i don’t have glasses anymore for a long time now, my face is different, my hair is long, i wear makeup and i wear female clothing. Everything about that should scream female, but i think people that know you don’t forget the subtle things like the look in your eyes or the way you walk.

Diary entry #34 – To grandma’s house we go

DSC05771Today i went to my grandma. Well, she’s not actually my grandma, shes my aunt’s mom but she considers us her grandchildren and we her as grandmother since our own grandma’s on both sides died a long time ago. How this came to be is kind of a long story, so i’ll save that for you guys at a different time ;).

Anyway, our “grandma” had no idea i had become a girl until like a week ago when my aunt told her. According to my aunt she was quite shocked and cried a lot because of it. So my mom thought it would be a good idea to visit her to see how she was doing and for her to see how i was doing. It was about an hour drive to her house.

Once there, anxiety did hit me a little because i had no idea how she would react to me as a girl. She was religious after all. She opened the door and greeted everyone and kissed them on the cheeks three times (which is a cultural thing in Europe). I was the last person to step into the hallway and she just hugged me really tightly and i saw her trying to keep herself from crying. She kept repeating “Oh my little girl” while she held me tightly in her hands and kissed me on the cheek. Mind you, she had red lipstick on, so when she was done my cheek was full of kiss-like red spots. She also mentioned that i looked just like any other girl. I was kind of happy to hear that acknowledgement.

One thing i noticed though, that she already adressed me as Naomi and used female pronouns when i came in. Nobody i ever told i was transgender did that right away, but she did. So we took a seat and she asked what we wanted to drink. My family doesn’t drink coffee, so tea it was. She said to me that she bought a little present for me. I wondered as to what it could be before she handed me the bag with the present in it. It was a long green and yellow scarf! I didn’t expect that all and she also told me there was a letter in there from her that i should read when i was back home. I said that it was really sweet of her to do this for me. She smiled at me and took a seat.

After a while i had to go to the bathroom. While i was doing my offering to the toilet gods, i overheard my grandma talking about me with my parents. Nothing bad was said of course, but apparently she was scared to talk to me directly about it. During our stay she told a lot of stories about her life and how she thought about some things in society. It seemed my grandma is pretty realistic when it comes to life. She doesn’t fear death, she’s 89 years old and she says when she has to go she has to go. She even had a “do not resuscitate” tag hanging around her neck.

When we were ready to go home again my mom opted to make some photo’s with my grandma. So we took a few and i actually saw a photo that i kind of looked good in. As we were trying to leave she said to me that she thought it was a good thing i found out what i was struggling with all my life and that she liked me as a girl. If i ever needed a place to sleep, i was always welcome. She hugged and kissed me again and we headed for the car. She waved us goodbye and off we went.

Once i was home again i read her letter. She wrote that it did take a while for her to accept the fact that i was no longer a boy. That she knew the hardships i would face in life and that she wished me the best to overcome them. And lastly that she hoped that i would blossom into a beautiful woman and have a good life.

I would have never expected her to react this way and it is super sweet of her to accept me as just another girl in the family.