Diary entry #35 – To college as a girl

collegeSo a while ago i decided to finally try to go to college as a girl (sorry for the late post, busy schedule). College was still one of the things i had left on the list of places i wasn’t fulltime at because i was afraid to be judged by everyone. So here’s how it went.

So one day i just decided to give it a go because i couldn’t procrastinate not doing it endlessly. That and i was getting pretty depressed with keeping showing up as a guy. It just felt wrong and i couldn’t handle it emotionally anymore. At one point i came home crying every day because the burden of presenting as a guy was getting too much for me. So that counted heavily in my decision to finally go to college as a girl.

Anyway, i woke up at 7 am while college started at 11. I wasn’t sure how much time i needed to get ready so i just thought 4 hours would be enough. After leaving the shower i had to decide what to wear. This is where problem #1 arised. Now what would i wear to make a good first impression i thought to myself. Something comfortable, flashy or formal? After standing longer in front of my wardrobe than i’d like to tell, i settled on the option something comfortable. I wouldn’t want to wear something i wouldn’t feel “right” in after all. I wore a dark gray cardigan, light blue skinny jeans, a dark blue top, a white belt and my white sneakers (or what is left of the white). It looked kinda nice so i went on with doing my hair and makeup.

Makeup also took me way longer than usual, my facial hair shadow just didn’t want to be hidden. After what felt like i put copious amounts of foundation on, it finally looked like something i could go out with. Luckily enough the rest of my makeup was fairly easy and fast (mascara, concealer, eyeliner). And my hair was done pretty quickly too, i just put my hair serum in it, brush it a few times and it looks nice and it could blind a person with its shinyness. Now problem #2 arised. I had bought a new bag but i had no idea what stuff to put where in it, it had so many small spaces. When i wear my backpack it’s really easy, i know exactly what goes where. After figuring out this maze of a bag i kind of just put things in the spaces that seemed most practical to me. I never would have imagined filling a bag would be a problem, but there you go.

So i put on my winter coat and on my way i went. To my surprise, nobody stared at me in public transportation, which was new. Usually it’s one or two people looking at me trying to figure out whether i’m a guy or a girl. So that day was a good day in that regard. Once i arrived at college i saw about 5 people from my class standing around the entrance. No reaction whatsoever once they saw me, save for one girl that smiled at me. It was kind of odd them not having any reaction, i atleast expected something along the lines of “hey [boyname] cool to finally see you as a girl”.

And this is where problem #3 arised. I had to pee really bad. I heard enough stories on the news about transwomen getting kicked out of women’s bathrooms at schools for whatever reason so i was noticeably anxious. I decided to take what looked to me the bathroom with the least amount of people going in. And oh boy was i wrong. As i walked in it was the most crowded bathroom i had ever seen. So many women. As i walked towards a stall i kept repeating “act like you belong here” in my head. Luckily, the women there weren’t bothered seeing a girl (me) doing kind of an awkward walk towards the stall. After i did my thing i just got out of the bathroom as fast as i could. It was a pretty intimidating experience to say the least. I know women have nothing to fear from me, i wouldn’t harm a fly, but i could imagine that some of them wouldn’t feel comfortable if they knew a transgirl was there.

After leaving that situation i rushed to my first lesson as it had already started. My whole class saw me as i sat down, but there wasn’t any reaction whatsoever either. The only thing i could read from their faces was something like “Oh hey, [boyname] comes to college as a girl now”. Even the teacher didn’t flinch when she read the name list. Which is super weird, because she doesn’t even know i’m transgender. She looked at me like it was the most normal thing ever. Apparently teachers just don’t care or something. I bet i could show up in a banana costume and she wouldn’t even care. After the lesson was done, one girl from my class mentioned that she liked my winter coat and wondered where i bought it. So that was kind of a nice compliment i guess.

The rest of the day i didn’t really do much except for practicing in the radio studio with my project group. I also sat down in the lunch area where nobody bat an eye towards me. Except for when i started talking to some friends, one girl looked at me trying to figure out if i was a girl with a deep voice or if it was something else. And i don’t know if this is the most transgender accepting college ever or that i look enough like a girl that people don’t really notice there’s something different about me. Of course i hope it’s the latter option. Sadly, my class didn’t bother to actually call me Naomi or use she/her pronouns. I’m not one for enforcing pronouns on people, but it would be nice if they did. But i knew it’s still new for them too so i figured it takes time for them to change that.

So i regularly go as a girl to college now. But since i still haven’t changed my legal name (coming soon!) i still have to come as a guy sometimes because of exams and such. We have these college passes with your photo and full name on it that you need whenever you make anything resembling a test. In girlmode i look nothing like the photo so i think it wouldn’t be very smart to take the chance to get kicked out of an exam.

So yeah, that first day was quite the experience. But entirely worth it i think as it took away my fear of presenting as a girl at college.

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2 thoughts on “Diary entry #35 – To college as a girl

  1. Great to hear things went really well for you! 🙂
    Hearing this gives me hope to present as female to college in a few months. It would be such a relief!

  2. Pingback: A year in review | Naominizer

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