Progress report: Month 6 on HRT

Already a half year on hormones!

4 april 2015

  • My body odor changed

16 april 2015

  • My breasts sometimes ache at night (for whatever reason)

24 april 2015

  • My butt seems to have gotten a more womanly shape

Diary entry #37 – I am now officially called Naomi

my name isWell… since last week actually, but now i actually have my identification card. So let’s start at the begin shall we.

Last thursday i had to go to my municipality to go and change my legal name. During the day i cried multiple times because you know, it felt like losing a part of myself (as explained here). I had my appointment set at 7pm (19:00) so i kind of had to hold back my tears to apply my makeup. As a side note, crying with makeup on does not look pretty. Anyway, my mom and i took the train and it didn’t take that long before we arrived. Even though we had an appointment we still had to wait 20 minutes or so before we got called to one of the desks. After some chit-chat with the woman behind the desk about if i had all my legal documents with me, she wanted to see them one at a time. First off was my therapist letter, which states that i’ve gone through therapy, have been diagnosed as transgender and have the right to change my name. The woman wasn’t surprised as she already knew i was trans (i told her when making the appointment). She read through it quickly and confirmed that it was the letter i needed.

Next up was my passport. My passport had already expired so she just walked to the back and punched some holes through it which is normal with expired legal documents. Of course she did this after she made a copy and wrote down a couple of things. Thirdly was my identification card which she also wrote a couple of things down about. After she was done with that she asked what my new name was going to be. As you can understand i can’t post my full name here so i just said Naomi [middle name] [last name] to her. I only changed my first and middle name by the way. Then she asked me for some photo’s for my new ID-card. I also had to sign it with my signature but here comes the surprise. My signature, due to my new name didn’t quite resemble my initials anymore. So on the fly i had to figure out a new signature. In the end i ended up with something that looked like my old one but just with my new initials. After signing a lot more of paperwork she said i was pretty much done and that i could come and get my new ID-card next week.

On tuesday i got called by the woman that helped me with my name the week before, which took me by surprise. She told me that apparently one of the documents i signed wasn’t the right one and that i had to come and sign the right one on thursday. Luckily this wasn’t my fault, as i was just signing whatever she said was right. I guess she just wasn’t paying attention that much as we were nearing 8pm (20:00) that day.

So today i went back to come and get my new ID-card. Of course she had me sign the right document first because my ID wasn’t considered legal if i didn’t. After signing she handed me my new ID-card. And to be honest i turned out to look pretty good on my photo. Usually photo’s on legal documents look pretty bad and don’t even look that much like you in other situations. They also changed the design, now it has more colors and a 3D photo on the side. The colors look kind of childish for a legal document in my opinion, but i’m not complaining because the rest does look nicer. After signing a document one more time for the archives, we shaked hands and said our goodbyes. She also told me i was the second transgender woman to change her name in this municipality. So now i’m wondering who the other one is…heh. During all this name change business the woman was really sweet to me and not judgmental at all which is always nice.

So yeah… I am officially called Naomi now. Doesn’t feel that different to be honest, but maybe that’s just because i’m not that used to it myself either. Even though it was a big change for me, i do feel happy and content with it now. It also kind of feels weird looking at my old ID-card and my new one side by side, feels a bit like i don’t recognise the “guy me” anymore.

There used to be a picture of my ID-card here (blacked out parts) but i removed it after an hour. I just didn’t want to take the risk of identity theft. That and the side by side comparison with my old photo is too much of a heavy subject for me to show you guys yet. Maybe i’ll re-add the photo later, but for now it’ll stay like this. I hope you guys understand my decision.

Diary entry #36 – Endo checkup again

needleSo yeah, yesterday i went back to my gender clinic for some checkups with my endocrinologist and some talking with my therapist. I have to do this every three months so it’s pretty much a recurring subject here. Anyway…

I rolled out of my bed at 5 am in the morning. My gender clinic likes to always put my appointments very early, but this was their absolute earliest appointment possible. So i walked to the shower like a zombie because i only had like 3.5 hours of sleep that night. Surprisingly, my getting ready routine went pretty quickly this time. It seemed like i finally was getting some speed in my girl routine (hair, makeup and clothing). On the way to the clinic not many people looked at me oddly which means i was “passing” as a girl i guess. It’s kind of a pleasant change in comparison to pre-hrt me where people looked a lot at me.

As usual i was the first one there and it was about 8 am. So i walked to the information desk to let my endo know i had arrived. The woman behind the counter said to me that at 6 months i only get one person to check up on me. Last time it were two people and before that i had one with an assistant. They just keep changing things around there. After a while an endo consultant came to get me. I knew her from the last checkup so it was nice to see a familiar face.

As i sat down in the room she asked me the usual stuff of if i was having any problems regarding the hormones. Of course i wasn’t having any problems so we went on to do the measuring part. So my waist, bust (of breasts), underbust, hips, butt, weight and height got measured there. Apart from my waist, the measurements were pretty much the same of what i posted here on my blog already. Apparently my waist was 2cm slimmer than what i had measured. It kind of surprised me that i didn’t shrink in height this time as i lost 2cm the last time. I also had to circle pictures which resembled the amount of body hair i had on several body parts. I can say that on some spots it’s definitely less than pre-hrt hairyness. Also my norwood scale (baldness scale) is now at 1 or less than that whereas it was nearly at 3 before hormones. To my surprise she told me i didn’t have to do bloodwork this time which kinda was a sigh of relief. If you read the previous checkups, i’m not very fond of needles and blood.

As we were done pretty fast i had an hour left until my therapist appointment. As my gender clinic loves measuring things they just gave me a few question sheets to fill in in the meantime. It were the same questions sheets as the previous two times. They just want to measure if anything changed. I can say that some things lessened (they had like ranges from 1-10) which is good i guess. There was also another transgirl across the table from me filling in the same sheet. She kind of looked something right out of jersey shore (the series, not the place). She had extremely orange foundation on and very overdone eyeliner and lipstick. Her clothes also looked kind of trashy in my opinion. Now i’m all for wear whatever you want to wear, but those kind of people make me wonder. Why make yourself look like obviously transgender while you probably could look quite like a normal girl without all the extra makeup and such? I just didn’t understand.

After being done with the question sheet i went back to the information desk to ask for my hormone prescription. My therapist walked past me as i was asking and he told me he’d come and get me in 5 minutes. It wasn’t even 10 am yet so that was kind of nice of him. What i talked about with my therapist is the usual stuff like how am i doing and if i was having any problems. I am doing pretty well so far so we didn’t spend long talking to eachother.

As i walked back to the waiting room i saw one of my transfriends i knew from skype sitting there. That was a really nice surprise as she wasn’t sure if she could come at that time. We talked a bit about problems regarding being transgender and how we were doing. She also talked about how her recent SRS (sexual reassignement surgery) went. She was doing quite well with walking and such after just 2 months. I hope i heal that fast too once i get mine done. Also the waiting room had a lot of ftm’s (female to male transgender) today which was odd since mtf’s mostly outnumber ftm’s at my gender clinic. But it’s always nice to see people going in the other direction of course. After some more talking with my friend, i picked up my prescription and went home.

Changing my name officially…

Now if you guys already start celebrating that i’ve changed my name, this is not the post for it. Because in fact, i haven’t changed my name yet. I want to talk about the act of actually changing my name.

I’ve never hated my male name throughout my life. So i have no bad memories attached to it. In the 22 years that i’ve lived that name has become part of me and perhaps even formed my personality a bit. So it feels like an ingrained part of me i’ve grown fond of. Changing my name to Naomi would essentially kill off any history and achievements i’ve made in my male name. So it feels like losing a part of me that i’m used to. And i’ve cried because of that, believe me. Changing my name is the next big step in my transition and it feels stressful to actually do it.

It kind of feels that i’m forced to do things once my passport says ‘female’. It’s an odd thought, but i feel like i should act more like one once it’s official. The thing is, i’m totally not the “girly girl” type but more of a “girl-next-door” type. So by acting more like the standard female i would essentially be faking my personality again which is not something i want at all. At the moment i am kind of having the dilemma of what things i do want to change and which ones i don’t. At home i am still very much a girl that could be called “one of the guys”. But i’m not sure if i want to be that kind of girl anymore. I just don’t know what kind of girl i want to be. It’s all really confusing to me. I would like to tell you i’ve found the real me, but i don’t. I’m still very much in a search for myself and grabbing bits and pieces along the way.

Now it’s not all sadness here. Of course i will be happy once i can officially call myself Naomi. I’ll probably throw a party for family and friends when it happens. It’s just such a big milestone for me in my life.