Now if you guys already start celebrating that i’ve changed my name, this is not the post for it. Because in fact, i haven’t changed my name yet. I want to talk about the act of actually changing my name.
I’ve never hated my male name throughout my life. So i have no bad memories attached to it. In the 22 years that i’ve lived that name has become part of me and perhaps even formed my personality a bit. So it feels like an ingrained part of me i’ve grown fond of. Changing my name to Naomi would essentially kill off any history and achievements i’ve made in my male name. So it feels like losing a part of me that i’m used to. And i’ve cried because of that, believe me. Changing my name is the next big step in my transition and it feels stressful to actually do it.
It kind of feels that i’m forced to do things once my passport says ‘female’. It’s an odd thought, but i feel like i should act more like one once it’s official. The thing is, i’m totally not the “girly girl” type but more of a “girl-next-door” type. So by acting more like the standard female i would essentially be faking my personality again which is not something i want at all. At the moment i am kind of having the dilemma of what things i do want to change and which ones i don’t. At home i am still very much a girl that could be called “one of the guys”. But i’m not sure if i want to be that kind of girl anymore. I just don’t know what kind of girl i want to be. It’s all really confusing to me. I would like to tell you i’ve found the real me, but i don’t. I’m still very much in a search for myself and grabbing bits and pieces along the way.
Now it’s not all sadness here. Of course i will be happy once i can officially call myself Naomi. I’ll probably throw a party for family and friends when it happens. It’s just such a big milestone for me in my life.