Body dysphoria

So i woke up this morning, put my contacts in and decided to take a shower. I never shower with my contacts in, but this day i couldn’t be arsed to take them out. What i usually do is just put on my glasses in the morning and take them off when i take a shower.

It was really weird to actually see the bathroom and the water droplets in glorious HD and not as a blurry mess. Now you might be thinking, why the hell is she writing about her shower adventures right? Well…

I’m totally not used to see my naked body as a not blurry and pixelated mess without smooth edges. I am nearsighted with a negative 6 so i pretty much can’t see shit without glasses or contacts. So seeing my naked body in clear sight was quite shocking. I usually don’t have a lot of body dysphoria going on, besides my genitals and the general chest area. But this really was one of the worst dysphoria attacks i’ve ever had mixed with a panic attack.

All the body hair i saw disgusted me severely, i might as well be bigfoot’s daughter. Couldn’t get worse right? I dared to look down and you know what’s supposed to be down there. I got a sick feeling in my stomach and i almost needed to vomit. Meanwhile my dysphoria was eating away at me so i got really uncomfortable so i decided to go out of the shower. When i exit the shower i can see the bathroom mirror hanging there so i saw myself naked in clear sight. Safe to say, i was not happy with what i saw. I saw a long haired man with wide shoulders. Maybe i’m exaggerating, but that’s what it looked like to me.

I always thought when trans people said they couldn’t stand seeing themselves naked in the shower that they were blowing things out of proportion. As it turns out, they weren’t joking, i’ve experienced it now myself. The struggle is real.

This might explain why i’ve never really been bothered by my body when i was younger, as i couldn’t see it clearly enough. Seeing skin coloured blobs didn’t really “activate” my dysphoria aparently, but it does when i see clearly. Seeing myself naked with my glasses on is not something i ever did, because why would i? I assumed nothing was wrong until of course the pieces of my transgender puzzle all fell together.

Safe to say, i’m never taking a shower with my contacts in ever again (or at least until my body starts changing to something more acceptable to my brain).

Dysphoria #3 – Summer

sunSummer

Summer is coming up. Most people only think of good things when the summer comes, nice and warm and usually the time you go on vacation. I used to think the same but this year is different. This is the first summer where i sort of have to present as a girl in. Of course i could choose not to, but that would very likely upset my therapist and hurt my progress.

Sadly, women have some kind of competition of who can show the most skin with their clothes in the summer. This causes a bit of a problem for me when i go out as a girl. Curves are pretty nonexistent on my body right now, so showing too much skin would definitely draw some attention. I don’t really have a summer wardrobe yet either. All i’ve got right now is a few tops and shirts and two women’s shorts. Going out in a full winter outfit would be a bit awkward. So yeah that’s a bit of a dilemma.

In the summer my dysphoria also seems worse than in other seasons. It’s most likely because girls are wearing short clothes and showing off more of the body i don’t have. Maybe one day i’ll just wear those clothes as carefree as they do.

Dysphoria #2 – Triggers

Triggers

Now that we somewhat know what dysphoria is, let’s move on to another aspect of it, namely triggers. Triggers are things that essentially “activate” the dysphoria. Those triggers can be anything really, ranging from daily activities like putting on your clothes to just hearing your own voice. Triggers are in most cases not the same for every transgender person, so what one might find triggering, the other could handle easily. Although we do usually have a few triggers in common, one of them being the jealousy or envy of the opposite gender.

Over the years i’ve learned what my triggers are so i know how and when to avoid them. Of course i can’t always avoid them so my day is pretty much ruined when i do hit one. A weird thing is that i can actually sense when a trigger “activates”. My head starts twitching every few seconds and i can feel myself getting sadder because the corners of my mouth curl downward. If i keep seeing the trigger or keep being in the vicinity of it, i’ll eventually get very nauseous and will start crying. I’m not sure if other transgender people experience the same as me when a trigger activates, because apparently talking about your triggers is a very personal and emotional thing.

I’ll list some of my own triggers with a little explanation here:

  • My male clothing. I don’t like the look and feel of it and it makes me look bulky and broad. If i stare too long at it i get very sad.
  • Females my age. Mainly due to the jealousy because they have everything i never had and i will never look that good. If i see a girl that i might as well have been were i originally born a girl, my dysphoria spirals me right back into depression.
  • Young or pretty transgender people. Young ones because they did get a chance at a childhood i never had. Pretty ones because i know i just don’t have the genetics or facial characteristics to be the same.
  • My body hair. Touching it sends a chill down my spine. Seeing more beard hair grow on my face every day is very frustrating.
  • My genitalia. I think this one is pretty straightforward, it’s just not supposed to be there.
  • When talking about feminine topics and i can’t participate. If someone talks about pregnancy or periods you might as well shoot me.

I’ve got  a lot more of them, but the above are the big ones, my other other triggers affect me a lot less.

Dysphoria #1 – What is it?

What is it?

Ah yes, dysphoria, the shadow that has been following me all my life. It’s the one thing that makes me hate my own gender. For the people not familiar with gender dysphoria, i’ll explain a bit.

It’s a feeling of extreme emotional and mental discomfort with your gender. It’s like your own body is betraying you by making you into someone you are not. It’s a contstant and tiring headache that keeps eating away at you. It’s not being able to recognize yourself. It’s not being able to identify with the people of the same gender. It’s a constant reminder that something is wrong. It’s a feeling that nothing will ever be okay and whatever you do will never be enough. It’s extreme jealousy of the opposite gender. It’s looking in the mirror with disgust. It’s being prone to depressive and suicidal thoughts. And it’s a lot more negative things.

This is still a small description as gender dysphoria is a relatively broad term when looked at the personal manifestations. The above description is my personal description so it’s not the same with all transgender people. That’s why it’s hard to put gender dysphoria into words.