Life story part #30 – End

I turned 21. My gender dysphoria has gotten a little less irritating but it still comes back strong every once in a while when i see things that “trigger” me. Whenever i wear my female clothing, it relieves some of my dysphoria. Sometimes i see a girl in the mirror, although only for a split-second. It always takes a while before i notice that that girl was me. When that happens, it always makes me really happy. Sadly enough, my genitals are still the biggest source of my gender dysphoria, sometimes it gets so bad that i get a vomit response. Waiting for the diagnostic phase at my gender clinic to start is not fun, but luckily i have some support from a few trans friends. Even though i have to wait for 6 months, i do have time now to learn girly things like make-up and hairstyles.

I also found a female name for myself. I am now unoficially called Naomi.

 

I finished writing my life story on paper on 11 january 2014. This is the last paragraph i wrote.

Life story part #29 – Clothes shopping

A week after my intake appointment at the gender clinic i went (women’s) clothes shopping and my mom and brother tagged along. The first thing i noticed was that women have so many more different kinds of clothing to choose from. It was also kind of confusing as i didn’t know where to start. Browsing around in the women’s section was sort of scary because i thought people would mind that a guy went through racks of clothing. After  some searching i ended up with two skinny jeans and three tops. As exciting as it was, i didn’t dare to go to the checkout myself so i let my mother do it. I was way too scared to buy it myself.

After going home and waiting till the clothes were washed, i tried them on. It made me really happy wearing this, it was kind of a warm feeling. I noticed that it just felt right and normal in comparison to my men’s clothing. It also felt much more comfortable and i never wanted to put it off again.

Life story part #28 – College (1st year)

A week after coming out to my parents i had to go to college for the first time. It was a nice college and all, the only problem was 80% of all the students were female. My own class also consisted of more than 70% of girls. As you could’ve guessed, i got pretty jealous of the girls in my class because i wanted to be just like them. Sometimes my gender dysphoria really took a toll on me which resulted in almost having a panic attack in the middle of class. If you ever had a moment of “I need to get the fuck out of here right now”, it was kind of like that. Only that with me when my gender dysphoria was strong, that thought was the norm. My mind would go a thousand miles a minute with thoughts like “She has pretty hair” and “i wonder how she does her make-up” if i didn’t focus. Sometimes i even ditched classes because i just couldn’t manage my dysphoria.

I knew some girls in my class knew that i was different, but not in what kind of way. I was concious about my movements when i walked and the way i spoke. I made sure it didn’t seem too feminine so people wouldn’t guess i was transgender or something. In reality i knew that very few people would even know what transgender was or meant, but i still held back my feminine mannerisms. So at college i painted this masculine image of myself, even though that wasn’t really me and i felt shit about it when i behaved like that. I was filled with fear that someone would suspect anything at all.

Life story part #27 – Denial and acceptance

My gender dysphoria got worse and worse. Accepting myself as transgender was very hard for me. I woke up every morning with denial and went to bed with acceptance. This routine went on for a while. After a while i had accepted myself as transgender but i still didn’t want it. I didn’t want any of these feelings anymore. When i tried to cry i just couldn’t do it, i had been telling myself that boys don’t cry for years on end. I felt dead inside and didn’t see my life going anywhere. I wanted to end it because i didn’t want to live like this anymore.

I thought about jumping in front of a car or train, then at least nobody had to deal with my problems other than me. The train station was only a mile away so i could have easily killed myself. I tried to think rationally about all these feelings. What my parents would think of it could impossibly be worse than comitting suicide i thought to myself. And was a chance at a happy life not better than no life at all? After thinking things through i decided to tell my parents because i just couldn’t handle the lie of me acting like i was a normal guy anymore.

 

This post is  followed in my blog by this post a week later. The next few life story posts will overlap with some things that semi-recently happened, but you haven’t read yet.

Life story part #26 – Keeping my promise

When i came back home from vacation, i wasn’t quite sure what to do with these feelings. I did make a promise to myself a few years ago that i would do something about it if it ever came back this strong. I decided to keep this promise. I started to write a diary where i would describe my feelings and thoughts to calm my mind down a bit. On the internet i searched far and wide to find information about transgender people. a few things i found out was that these “gender feelings” i was having was actually called gender dysphoria and that not everyone had to have the same life story to be transgender. Always wearing dresses and already knowing that you were transgender at the age of 4 wasn’t really the norm.

Life story part #25 – Back with a vengeance

In the summer my family went on a vacation to Germany. Something triggered me on that vacation which made these “gender feelings” come back very strong. Was it because i couldn’t handle the jealousy i had of all the girls i saw in the city? Or perhaps it was because i was watching a documentary about gay acceptance and a transgender person was in it? I could not find a reason why it came back so strong all of a sudden. I couldn’t get it out of my head anymore either, my mind was filled with thoughts about being transgender. I even thought about what it would be like if i would have experienced this vacation if i were a girl. The idea of that made me happy but also sad because in reality i was a guy.

Near our vacation home there was a hill with some woods where supposedly “tree nymphs” lived. My dad and i went all the way up the hill. After that he put some rocks on a pile and said “make a wish, perhaps the tree nymphs will make it come true” in a laughing manner. I didn’t believe in fairy tales and myths, but you know, why the hell wouldn’t i make a wish. Silently i wished that i wanted to be a girl.

Life story part #24 – Trying to forget

I turned 20 years old. I had decided to take a year off to find some work and get some money. Sadly, i had exactly zero motivation to do such a thing. I tried to forget my “gender feelings” by playing a lot of games. The only reason to get work was to buy more games so i could forget even further. Eventually playing games became the only reason to live, i saw in no way a future for myself anymore.

Life story part #23 – No idea what to do

I was in the last year of high school. Any motivation i had left was long gone because i still had problems with my gender. At the end of the school year i had to choose what college i wanted to go to. I had no idea what i wanted. I never imagined myself this far in the future, i thought i would have already comitted suicide before this time arrived. Essentially, being at school was only keeping me from doing it. I was totally lost of what i had to with these feelings and what my future would look like.

Life story part #22 – Another transgirl

I was 19 years old. I met a transgirl on an online game on the computer. She told me she had already transitioned and was going to have her genital surgery (SRS) the next year. She was the first person i ever told that i was possibly transgender. She also said to me that i shouldn’t be so scared about transitioning and that the best i could do is to just sign up at a gender clinic. Sadly enough, that didn’t take away my fears. I didn’t want to be transgender, i just wanted to be a normal guy. If i was transgender i had to turn my whole life around, and at that moment i didn’t really like that idea.

 

Off-topic

If you’re out there pauseeee (her ingame name), thanks for informing me at this age, it helped me later on to accept myself for who i am.

Life story part #21 – Love 2.0 and sickness

I was 18 years old, and an adult now according to the law. A girl from my class liked me. She constantly nagged at me when i would go out with her. Watching a movie or getting wasted on alcohol, she didn’t care, she just wanted to do stuff together. Her friends always tried to steer me away from my friends to her direction. I could already see it happening, the same thing as when i was 16. Of course i got extremely jealous of this girl. I had to not show interest again to get rid of her. I also still felt uncomfortable whenever i hung around the guys, and the eating disorder didn’t disappear either.

During christmas i got very sick. I couldn’t eat and had to throw up a lot. The “gender feelings” also came back pretty strong. My mom told me we had to go to the general practicioner to see what was wrong with me. I thought about telling him that perhaps i was transgender but in the end i didn’t do it.

What if he declared me as an insane person? My sickness turned out to be a strong stomach flu. The promise i made to myself when i was 13 meant nothing to me. I still couldnt reach a conclusion whether i really was transgender or if it was just some deranged fantasy. I kept hoping that one day these “gender feelings” would disappear.