About old diary posts

For now it’ll just be those four posts in the category “old memories”. I have a lot more of them, but i can’t post them. The reason for that is that most of them are part of my life story, which my gender clinic has a copy of. I think i’m going to get in some trouble if i post it online. Once i’m done with treatment there i’ll probably be allowed to post it.

My life story (regarding my gender dysphoria) goes way back into my childhood. I think the first diary post i made was when i was age 9. I don’t know why i wrote diary posts at that age, but i’ve always liked to write things down that may be of use in the future. It’s fun to read how my mind worked as a child, although the wording is absolutely horrible.

I’ll see if i can post more of “old memories”, if anything, that doesn’t upset my gender clinic.

Old memories #4 – Acceptance

This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.

Acceptance – date unknown

I woke up with some pretty heavy gender dysphoria this morning, so i’m pretty sure im transgender by now. I mean, i can’t really deny it anymore, the facts keep stacking up in favor of me being it. ‘Normal’ people don’t go great lengths to find information / documentaries and other stuff about transgender people unless they study gender. They also don’t seem to care too much about their gender, whereas i do. Since im all opposite to this, it’s very likely that i am transgender. I still keep denying it every once in a while though. I seek constant confirmation that the feelings of dysphoria i’m having are still there. Sometimes i actively seek my triggers just to feel that confirmation. As an example i stood in front of the mirror asking if i still didn’t see myself in it and if thinking about being female still makes me smile. It still does of course, this isn’t a phase.

This fucking secrecy to my parents is affecting my eating habits a whole lot though and i don’t like it. I get all anxious when i’m eating and they’re around. It’s probably because i’ve been living a lie for god knows how long and they know nothing just going by their daily lives.

I guess the next step would be coming out to my parents. But what if they kick me out and disown me? I sure don’t have a lot of money, so i will never survive if they do. Homo and transphobic jokes from my father and brother aren’t helping either. I fear the worst if were to come out. Maybe i can hide it from them just for a few more years…

Old memories #3 – Slowly accepting myself

This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.

Slowly accepting myself – date unknown

I didn’t go with denial to bed last night which is really great. Today i read an article about rational thinking on the whole transgender questioning problem. In there was something really interesting. They said i had to stop asking myself if i was transgender and instead ask myself why i was cisgender. I tried listing the reasons that i was indeed cisgender but i just couldn’t. All i was writing down was gender roles and normal male biology. I couldn’t think of anything else that could point to me being a normal male. When i listed the reasons for being transgender it was painfully obvious what to write down. When i held both lists next to eachother i noticed that my transgender list was much bigger. So if anything, i’m definitely somewhere on the transgender spectrum.

I was browsing a forum this afternoon and got into an ”ideal mate” thread. They had a link to one of those customize flash games where you can dress up your character. I decided to make a female form of myself just to see how it would turn out. Halfway through my eyes started watering and i’m not sure why, this never happens. I think i saw some truth for a second and my emotions just let go. It felt like this digital female on screen was something i saw myself in.

Old memories #2 – Photobooks and denial

This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.

Photobooks and denial – date unknown

Woke up this morning with that denial feeling again, not sure why this happens almost every morning. I did have a dream where i was a girl, which was kind of weird because usually i’m a genderless and faceless person in my dreams. Today i’m going through photobooks of my youth with my mom and i’m not quite sure what will happen. Will i cry, will i not care or will i find what i was looking for all along, more evidence that something felt off?

So I went through the photobooks with my mom and besides my hands and feet shaking, everything went fine. I wasn’t sure what to feel when my mom kept calling me young man while watching the photos though. One thing i noticed was that the older i get, i laugh less and i get sadder in the pictures as my age progesses.  I almost always look sad or am not laughing in pictures these days too, coincidence? Perhaps. A correlation between the two doesn’t sound too farfetched though.

I went to a D.I.Y. store in the evening with my mom and dad. In the car on the way there these fucking transgender thoughts clouded my mind again and again. I even made an imaginary gun with my hands and wanted to shoot myself, i just couldn’t bear these “dysphoric” feelings anymore. I wouldn’t care if the car just ran into a tree there and then and left me lifeless. I just wanted it to end.

Even in the store it kept going and i kept saying to myself that i probably am transgender and i should eventually tell my parents. But was i really though? That’s still the lingering question on my mind. I got sick in the stomach from these thoughts and i begged my mind to make it stop. I was on the verge of tears while my parents were just shopping away, oblivious that anything could be wrong with me.

A little bit later we went to some fast food shack and my mom ordered some ice cream. Dad kept talking about why i still didn’t have a job and that maybe i should  get a job here. I slowly slipped into my imagination, unaware of my surroundings and everything my dad was saying became some kind of background noise. Don’t you see i’m having an internal conflict with myself here, hello! Of course they didn’t, i’m the master of hiding emotions and i don’t even know why i do it to myself. My parents didn’t see anything wrong so we went home after a while.

I’m still not sure whether i am transgender or not. Why does this have to be so fucking hard. The indecisiveness is literally killing me. I think i’ll be going to bed with denial again tonight.

Old memories #1 – Daydreaming

This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.

Daydreaming – date unknown

I read on some website that daydreaming about your future life could help with these “gender related feelings”. So i closed my eyes and tried imagining myself as a young adult and older adult woman. As a result i got a happy and giddy feeling. When i did the same from the male point of view i got all sad and  i almost had to cry, so that’s something to add to the “I might actually be transgender” pile i guess. When i open my eyes and see my body again, these so called “gender related feelings” start playing up again and my head does some weird twitching, like it’s trying to get rid of these thoughts of being male. I’m quite sure males are not supposed to feel like their body is foreign to them, so am i not a male?

When i try to replicate these feelings of being happy but as a male, i just can’t do it, it just feels so fake. So the feelings i get when i think about being female are probably genuine.