This is a series of old diary posts of mine that happened a few years ago. It’s kind of a look inside my head of when i was questioning, in denial and eventually accepting myself as transgender. The posts are in chronological order, unless stated otherwise. Note that these memories are not recent, i have accepted myself as transgender a long while ago.
Photobooks and denial – date unknown
Woke up this morning with that denial feeling again, not sure why this happens almost every morning. I did have a dream where i was a girl, which was kind of weird because usually i’m a genderless and faceless person in my dreams. Today i’m going through photobooks of my youth with my mom and i’m not quite sure what will happen. Will i cry, will i not care or will i find what i was looking for all along, more evidence that something felt off?
So I went through the photobooks with my mom and besides my hands and feet shaking, everything went fine. I wasn’t sure what to feel when my mom kept calling me young man while watching the photos though. One thing i noticed was that the older i get, i laugh less and i get sadder in the pictures as my age progesses. I almost always look sad or am not laughing in pictures these days too, coincidence? Perhaps. A correlation between the two doesn’t sound too farfetched though.
I went to a D.I.Y. store in the evening with my mom and dad. In the car on the way there these fucking transgender thoughts clouded my mind again and again. I even made an imaginary gun with my hands and wanted to shoot myself, i just couldn’t bear these “dysphoric” feelings anymore. I wouldn’t care if the car just ran into a tree there and then and left me lifeless. I just wanted it to end.
Even in the store it kept going and i kept saying to myself that i probably am transgender and i should eventually tell my parents. But was i really though? That’s still the lingering question on my mind. I got sick in the stomach from these thoughts and i begged my mind to make it stop. I was on the verge of tears while my parents were just shopping away, oblivious that anything could be wrong with me.
A little bit later we went to some fast food shack and my mom ordered some ice cream. Dad kept talking about why i still didn’t have a job and that maybe i should get a job here. I slowly slipped into my imagination, unaware of my surroundings and everything my dad was saying became some kind of background noise. Don’t you see i’m having an internal conflict with myself here, hello! Of course they didn’t, i’m the master of hiding emotions and i don’t even know why i do it to myself. My parents didn’t see anything wrong so we went home after a while.
I’m still not sure whether i am transgender or not. Why does this have to be so fucking hard. The indecisiveness is literally killing me. I think i’ll be going to bed with denial again tonight.