I’ve noticed that this blog still gets a reasonable amount of traffic, even though i post very rarely. As it turns out, one of my posts on here is the first result on google when searching for certain search terms. Nothing bad of course, just surprising. They probably did not expect a story with a trans girl in it but oh well.
Anyway, as i’ve said, not a lot of posts here anymore besides hrt updates. I’ve been contemplating for a while where i want to go with this blog in the future. And to be honest, i don’t really know.
As of now, i’m working on my voice, so perhaps posts about that if you guys are interested. I also might do ‘story time’ posts where i post about something i experienced, either to do with trans or not. Or informational things like (trans) help guides perhaps? I like writing those things for different things.
I’m open to improvement and suggestions are greatly appreciated 😀
Now if you guys already start celebrating that i’ve changed my name, this is not the post for it. Because in fact, i haven’t changed my name yet. I want to talk about the act of actually changing my name.
I’ve never hated my male name throughout my life. So i have no bad memories attached to it. In the 22 years that i’ve lived that name has become part of me and perhaps even formed my personality a bit. So it feels like an ingrained part of me i’ve grown fond of. Changing my name to Naomi would essentially kill off any history and achievements i’ve made in my male name. So it feels like losing a part of me that i’m used to. And i’ve cried because of that, believe me. Changing my name is the next big step in my transition and it feels stressful to actually do it.
It kind of feels that i’m forced to do things once my passport says ‘female’. It’s an odd thought, but i feel like i should act more like one once it’s official. The thing is, i’m totally not the “girly girl” type but more of a “girl-next-door” type. So by acting more like the standard female i would essentially be faking my personality again which is not something i want at all. At the moment i am kind of having the dilemma of what things i do want to change and which ones i don’t. At home i am still very much a girl that could be called “one of the guys”. But i’m not sure if i want to be that kind of girl anymore. I just don’t know what kind of girl i want to be. It’s all really confusing to me. I would like to tell you i’ve found the real me, but i don’t. I’m still very much in a search for myself and grabbing bits and pieces along the way.
Now it’s not all sadness here. Of course i will be happy once i can officially call myself Naomi. I’ll probably throw a party for family and friends when it happens. It’s just such a big milestone for me in my life.
So today i was on the train station. As usual i was waiting for the train to come. As i looked around i saw someone in the distance that i vaguely recognised. As he walked closer i saw that it was a guy from high school i knew. As i saw him i froze in place. Mind you, i was in girlmode. As he saw me he was trying to wrap his head around it who i exactly was, but he definitely recognized me. He did that thing where you look back and forth real fast. We stood there for what seemed like a minute, but it was probably just a few seconds. I just wasn’t sure what to do. Do i walk to him and talk to him about that i’m a girl now? Or do i ignore him and walk away. Eventually i chose the latter option, i didn’t want a confrontation to happen. In high school he had an opinion on trans people that wasn’t very good so i think i did the right thing.
I know i will eventually encounter more of these situations since i still live in my birthplace and the guy isn’t the only one there from my past that uses the train station. What i will do when that happens, i don’t know. I think it depends on who the person is and where i am at that moment. Also, it’s kind of odd that people from my past do recognise me, but random people just see me as any other female. I’m not sure what gives me away, i don’t have glasses anymore for a long time now, my face is different, my hair is long, i wear makeup and i wear female clothing. Everything about that should scream female, but i think people that know you don’t forget the subtle things like the look in your eyes or the way you walk.
I went to college this week again because the third semester started. During this week i noticed something. For some reason, women seem to look at me much more often than before. I’m pretty sure it’s not confirmation bias because i’ve always looked at people a lot and they weren’t doing this.
The thing is, i can’t quite figure out why they’re doing this all of a sudden. As of now i still present in boymode to and from college (i will go fulltime in 2-3 months so don’t worry 🙂 ) and only one thing has changed. I’ve been taking hormones. As far as i know my face hasn’t changed yet (well maybe a tiny bit) so they must be picking something up from somewhere else. While my breasts are noticeable through my vest if i move in some positions, i usually wear my coat over it so you can’t see them so i doubt they pick up from that either.
It’s like women have a sixth sense built in to spot other women, even women in transition. One girl i passed in college did a double take when she was looking at me. Like she wasn’t sure what she was looking at. As far as i know my boymode isn’t close to failing so i have no idea what they’re picking up on that essentially i’m a girl too. I know people see me differently than i see myself, but i’m just lost why this happens.
I believe my college class (which i haven’t told yet, will do soon though) is also noticing that there’s something different about me compared to 3 months ago (in which i did an internship so i didn’t see them). i know they’ve seen that i’m uncomfortable but they don’t know the reason why. The reason here of course is that its getting harder and harder for me to stay presenting as a guy. Emotionally it’s taking a toll on me so i’ll probably go fulltime sooner than later.
Eventually one guy did ask in private why i seemed to feel so down. I told him i was transgender because i just couldn’t muster the power to make up some fake story. According to him it made sense and thought it was pretty cool. He also offered to support me if i needed it so that was nice.
So yeah… i’m still trying to wrap my head around some of this stuff.
For the past few months i’ve been losing more hair than i’m comfortable with. My temples and hairline have already receded quite a bit. A little bald spot is forming on the back of my head too. On the top of my head i can see the follicles are already in their last growth phase and look glaringly different from my other hairs. It will only be a matter of time before it falls out too.
It scares me, really. I don’t want to be a girl with balding spots and an obviously receded hairline. My dad was already bald when he turned 21. My brother has obvious see-through hair and he’ll be probably be bald too in a year or two. Pretty much all the men in my (extended) family have this problem. It seems it’s embedded in our genes or something.
Now i hope hormones will prevent any more damage to my hair, but who knows, the hormone DHT (part of testosterone) is not always the cause of baldness. I feel it’s already to late to start taking finasteride since i’ll be taking hormones in a few months anyway. That and i know my gender clinic will never prescribe it and my family doctor probably won’t either. My gender clinic sees balding in mtf’s as a non-problem. You’ll probably get an answer like “why don’t you just buy a wig then” if you ask them about it. To be honest, i’m getting really sick and tired of the general non-caring way they treat us.
Well that was it for my rant, i just needed to vent for a bit.
Now before you guys start guessing, no, they did not suddenly put me on hormones. That of course would be really cool, but something else happened what i thought was unexpected. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that i told my neighbor that i was transgender. Well… something happened after that.
My mom asked my neighbor today if she had told her husband and daughter that i was transgender. And as a matter of fact she did. She didn’t tell what her husband thought of it, but her daughter was really enthousiastic about it. She even wants to take me shopping some time soon! I can’t help to think it’s a little weird though, a 15 year old girl taking a 21 year old “guy” shopping for clothes, but whatever :). She continued on that she is willing to help me with anything and said that i had her full support. She even said that if i ever needed a shoulder to cry on, that she would be there for me.
I was thinking about why she would give me so much support all of a sudden. The answer my mom gave to that made it pretty clear. She has one transgender person in her class, which is why she probably understands what i’ve been going through and chooses to support me. Small world, huh?
I would have never expected so much support from someone i barely know. I hope she’s willing to teach me about some stuff i’m not that experienced in yet (hair, makeup, clothing style). As of now i’ve learned everything by myself by trial and error, youtube videos and whatever articles i could find. My mom wasn’t really helpful in that respect as she never learned “how to girl” either. It kind of blows my mind that this happened all of a sudden. I’m really happy right now, you should see the smile on my face as i’m typing this :). Now if only my therapist says he wants to put me on hormones this thursday, that would make my week complete. I would probably burst into tears if that happens.
I’ll be going on vacation with my parents next week. This means the 30 day trans challenge will take a little break and resume after i come back.
One thing is special about this vacation though, as i’ll be going as a girl. I think it’s a good excercise for me to see what it’s like to be out and about as a girl for a few days in a row. Essentially it’s a small test for me before going fulltime. There are still some things i’m afraid to do as a girl though, very much related to my male body.
Firstly, i’ll still have to use my male voice when ordering food because my female voice ain’t very good. My mom offered to do the food ordering for me but i want to do this to overcome that fear. I’ll probably be using my male voice a whole lot more in the next 6 months or so, i hate being a mute. The other thing is swimming. I’ll either have to get dressed as a guy if i want to swim or not swim at all.
Those are just the little things i worry about, but i’m confident that i can handle it. Now i’ll just have to decide what to wear that week 😎 .
You’ll probably see a few posts about it here when i come back.
I went to my general practicioner/doctor today because he wanted to see if my acne had disappeared. Sadly it was not. I said the gel he gave me didn’t work at all. So now he prescribed me some kind of “miracle pills” that supposedly are going to work. I still have my doubts. So far nothing has worked on me. I have tried better skin care, all kinds of facewash that are supposed to get rid of acne and multiple gels. Even used a few pills before that my gp prescribed to me and that didn’t work either.
It’s kind of weird too that acne hits me at this age. I mean, i’m 21, i shouldn’t have to deal with this. Now i have to say i didn’t really have much of it in puberty but i don’t think there’s a correlation here. I honestly think it’s my testosterone levels and stress that caused it. It first started when i attended my new college and i came out to my parents. Coincidence? Yes i do think it is.
According to some transgender friends my acne should clear up relatively fast once i’m on hormones. I sure hope so, because my acne seems to be extremely hard to get rid of. If anything, it’s a last ‘fuck you’ for being a testosterone filled male.
So i did some digging around files on my computer today, and lo and behold, i actually found diary posts from back when i was questioning and in denial of my gender. There seem to be no dates attached to it so i’m not quite sure when i wrote them. From reading it i think it happened in a span of a few months or so, although some of them are definitely closer to the first diary post on i made on here. I think it’s quite interesting to read about my journey from denial to somewhat accepting myself as transgender, as i had totally forgotten i had written about it. If another trans person were to read it they could probably relate to it, or at least get the feeling they’re not going through this alone. I think i’ll post a few in the weekend or next week.
Now that i have finally replaced my word version of my diary onto this wordpress blog, i’m finished until i write more or think of something else, which is probably tomorrow. I have another appointment at my gender clinic tomorrow which supposedly takes 3 hours. As usual i’ll write down what happened on this page. Also i’ve been thinking to coming out to the rest of my college class, so you’ll see that here too when i decide to do it.
Also thanks to my (now) two followers who apparently want to read about my (not so) wonderful life. I never actually imagined someone would want to read about it but thanks for doing so. Humble beginnings right?