Diary entry #43 – Photoshoot

So first a little backstory. At college we have a certain project going on where you have to make your own (media) product with your group. Our project group is making a music app which of course i’d love to tell about but because the idea can be stolen i’d rather not until its finished.  Anyway, a group from another class had transgender people as their target group. So obviously since i was the only transgirl they knew at college i got invited for an interview. They just wanted to know some things about transgender people to get a grasp on what product they wanted to make.

Fast forward six weeks i got invited by that group for a photoshoot. They wanted to make inspirational posters with transgender people on it. Safe to say, i was pretty excited about it. My dad however warned me about that this could turn out badly for me because the poster could end up in places i would not want it to be. The group assured me it was just for college and nowhere else so finally i accepted the offer.

So yesterday i went to the studio where the photoshoot was going to take place. I have to say it was quite hard to find because i stood in front of a gate that wouldn’t open. The place was supposed to be behind that gate. So i pushed some buttons and waited till someone came to get me. One of the girls of the group came walking towards me and told me that the buzzer wasn’t very loud so she didn’t hear it the first few times. She took me inside and we walked towards the studio. It looked like pretty much any photoshoot studio, white background, lots of lights, some props and a very expensive camera. The photographer herself looked pretty young still.

After the first impressions the crew talked to me for a bit to get me comfortable with the idea of getting photographed. After reapplying some of my makeup i told the photographer i was ready. After a few photo’s she told me to put off my cardigan because she couldn’t see my collarbones which was a feature she liked. This wasn’t the first time someone told me they liked my collarbones, i’m not sure why people like it because i don’t think it’s a particularly feminine feature. Anyway, my posture had to be fairly neutral except i had to laugh/smile. After a hundred something photo’s she told me some more about what she noticed about me. Apparently i have a twinkle in my eyes when i laugh, the left side of my face is my best side and my forced laughs look natural. I’m not sure if the laughing thing is a good thing or not.

She must’ve taken over 300 photo’s before she found the perfect one of me laughing. I had a look at it and agreed that that one was probably the best. After i was done another transwoman came walking in. We shook hands and talked for a bit. She told me she was 61 years old and had been transitioning for 12 years. She didn’t look 61 to be honest. She did however totally not dress her age which was pretty obvious. She wore a jean-like skirt and a top that was obviously showing off her boobs. I think not dressing your age is one of the worst mistakes you can make if you want to pass as a woman but i digress. She also asked me if i wanted to be with her on a photo together. I accepted but i was obviously uncomfortable with it. She touched me a few times (don’t worry not on wrong places) which is not ok with me. I really don’t like being touched by people i don’t know.

The crew then wanted to know what quote i wanted to be next to the photo for on the poster. I said i liked “I’m just a girl like any other” as my quote. Might sound a bit dull, but it sounds a lot better and the point comes across more in Dutch. The subtext of that quote of course meaning that i want to be treated like any other girl. The crew liked it and thanked me for helping out with the photoshoot. I also asked if i could have some of the photo’s to which they told me they would send them to me in a few days. Before leaving they also gave me a box of choclates as a thank you gift. After saying everyone goodbye i went on my way home again.

I have to say, doing a photoshoot was pretty cool and an interesting experience. I know you guys would love to see the photo’s but i’ll just have to wait for a bit for the studio to send them to me. I’ll update this post with an image when i get them :p.

Diary entry #42 – Surgery consult

surgerySo two months ago my gender clinic told me i was eligible for surgery (SRS). Two days ago i had an appointment about that. First we had to be in a group meeting with other people so that the assistant surgeon could give us some general information about the surgery.  I was quite surprised by the amount of people that were there, there were only four other transwomen.

After a while the assistant surgeon started her presentation. First she was talking about how the male pelvis and female pelvis are different. This was important for us to know because she showed us where the neo-vagina was going to be. She also asked us to find a doctor that gives training of the muscles of the pelvis. The core muscles of the pelvis have to be strong so it holds everything together during the surgery or something.

Then she went on with the actual information about the neo-vagina. She showed us some pictures of the neo-vagina right out of surgery and after a year. To be honest, it does look a bit like a battlefield right out of surgery. The picture of a year after you wouldn’t even know that it was ever touched by a surgeon. So i was quite amazed by that. She went on telling us the risks along with pictures. It was a bit gruesome so i’ll save you guys the details, but the risk of complications is fairly high. And i’m not very amused that i can’t use my bicycle for three months after the surgery because apparently it hurts too much. So that means no surgery during the college summer vacation for me.

As she was done with the presentation she invited each of us in turn for a personal consult. Since three of us were still in the waiting room we started talking. I talked with a 17 year old transgirl who you wouldn’t even know was trans if she wasn’t at the gender clinic. But that’s the benefit of starting at 14 years old i guess.  We talked a bit about our lives and how to get a good womanly voice.

After a while it was my turn for the personal consult. I asked her some questions about recovery time, the waiting list and a couple of other things. It surprised me that the waiting list was only four weeks long. Anyway, she also wanted to do some measuring of my uhh… genitals. According to her i had more than enough “tissue” so that’s a good thing i guess. After measuring we were finished and she asked me to go to another part of the clinic (where the surgeries are done) to sort of set a surgery date. Due to college it’s going to be in summer 2017. I’m just not willing to risk going to college when it’s not fully healed, so i’m going to wait till i graduate. So save that date i guess :p.

Progress report: measurements month 12

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1wb8kGWWGmt3HJpo_7PUiBviFdWlOzBoNlvJnJbSr2jE/edit?usp=sharing

Click the next tab on the bottom of the screen for months 7 – 12 and for the difference between begin and 12 months, click the tab next to that.

Notable changes this month

  • Shoulders got a lot smaller (probably due to lazy measuring of those the last few months, so the change looks bigger, sorry)
  • Thighs and calves got smaller
  • My body shape changed

Notable changes this whole year

  • I lost a little height
  • Shoulders got a lot smaller
  • I grew to an A cup
  • Upper and under bust decreased in size
  • My feet got smaller
  • My waist got smaller
  • My body shape changed
  • Hair on my head has regrown
  • Overal body hair is either gone or sparse (facial hair entirely gone)
  • I got softer skin and my complexity is better
  • My acne disappeared
  • No more erections and libido plummeted
  • I can smell better now
  • I got more emotional
  • I spent nearly 3000 euro’s on my transition already

Disappointments (things i hoped that changed but didn’t or changed much at all)

  • I thought i would lose more height
  • Even though my feet shrank, i still wear the same shoe sizes
  • The size of my biceps didn’t change at all
  • Breasts haven’t grown since month 5 (i expected something towards a B cup)
  • Hips didn’t get bigger at all (probably due to my age)
  • My hands didn’t get smaller
  • My face measurements didn’t get smaller, even though i definitely look different now

So yeah. Just as with the hormone progress report, i’ll be doing this every three months now too. I hope we’ll still see changes into the next year.

One year

IMG_4050

It’s been exactly a year ago (since yesterday) that i started with hormones. It’s been quite a moving year i’d have to say. From being scared to go outside in girlmode, to living fulltime as a girl. And from looking quite masculine to looking like a girl. I don’t regret transitioning at all, this is the best change i’ve ever made in my life.

I hope you guys stay with me into the next year. I’ll probably do some things with my voice on here and perhaps make this blog a little more personal than just trans stuff. And as promised, a picture of me celebrating my first year.

Progress report: 12 Months on HRT

Nothing new or interesting happened this month. But what i can show you is a              summary of what changes i had in the past year.

Changes

  • I have boobs now (A cup)
  • I feel a sense of clarity, my mind doesn’t feel cloudy anymore
  • I’m more emotional
  • Body hair grows slower
  • I feel a lot calmer
  • My skin is softer
  • Libido took a nose dive
  • I get colder more easily (whatever the reason for that is)
  • I have had some hair regrow on my head
  • My acne disappeared completely
  • Lost muscle mass
  • Waist got smaller
  • I can smell things better
  • I have less anxiety
  • My face got rounder and less masculine
  • My butt got bigger
  • I’m more social

From now on i will be doing these kind of progress reports every three months. Because i doubt a lot of changes will happen in the second year.

Attention from men

This summer i’ve been noticing that i’m getting more and more attention from men.      And i’m not sure if that’s in a good way.

Like last month, i walked by a restaurant and as i passed i got whistled at. I looked back to see who it was and saw a guy smiling at me. I was like, is this guy serious? I kind of felt uncomfortable so i just walked a little faster to get out of his vicinity.

And another time i was just sitting on a bench in a park and a guy passed me on his bike and said “bella” to me (which is beauty in italian). I wanted to say thanks back but i didn’t because i still kind of have a manly voice. Also when i was walking through Amsterdam two weeks ago, some guy was looking at me and when i noticed him he did that hand kiss thing (blowing an air kiss?) towards me.

And last week i had to get my new contact lenses. So i went on my bike and when i was locking it near the lens building i noticed two kind of fat men sitting across the street watching me. So i got inside, paid for my lenses and went outside again. The two guys were still following me with their eyes. As i unlocked my bike and wanted to go away again they waved at me and said goodbye. I totally didn’t know these men so i kind of did an awkward wave back. To be honest, i thought it was pretty creepy of them just watching me like that.

Oh and men suddenly hold doors for me and are generally nicer.

I’m not quite sure why men do this sort of flirtatious behaviour , i sure as hell didn’t do it back when i was still a dude. It’s not like i’m gonna walk towards them and ask them for their phone number or something. It just makes me uncomfortable when they do it and the chance that i’m actually gonna flirt back with some random guy is pretty much zero. The only thing i can imagine is that they just see a girl walking past them and they want to let her know that they like her or want to let her know she looks nice or something. Something like a compliment.

But anyway, it’s kind of confirming that guys actually see me as a girl. At least, that is until i open my mouth and start talking. It’s still pretty creepy though, and i think it takes some time for me to get used to attention from men.