Diary entry #45 – surgery consult #2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So yeah, it’s been a while but…

A few days ago i went for the second round of the surgery consult because last time i was denied because i didn’t do hair removal on the genital area yet. So i went to the gender clinic in the morning and we (me and my mom) arrived way too early, so we had to wait. We had to be in a different section of the clinic this time as described in the letter but we still weren’t sure if we sat at the right place. Eventually my mom asked one of the receptionists if we were at the right place. Luckily we were.

So we sat down and waited until more people started coming in and for some reason all the other trans people sat at our table too who had the same appointment as me. I started talking to a girl there for a while until the surgeon’s assistant came to get us. First up was the group presentation where they would explain what to do before and after the surgery. She showed what procedures there were and how they were done (penile inversion and colon-vaginoplasty). After that we got to see some pictures of results. The pictures taken directly after the surgery weren’t nice to look at (bloody and bruised) but the pictures after one year looked pretty good and i would be happy to have it turn out like that. She went on to talk about complications, but most complications had a fairly low chance of happening, except stitches getting loose and some blood loss. She also told us where to get the dilators and i was kind of surprised we didn’t get them for free. There was also another woman in the room who did a presentation on pelvis (pelvic?) training. Apparently i have to train my pelvic floor muscles to relax so dilating is easier after the surgery.

After all the presentations were done, we all went into another waiting room to wait for individual meetings with the surgeon assistant. The pelvic training lady called me in first and led me into her office. She asked me a bunch of questions about if i was drinking (water) enough, pooping enough and peeing enough as too much or too less of that could be bad for the pelvic floor. She then asked me to undress to check my pelvic area and do some excercises. She mentioned that i could control my pelvic muscles but i could hardly put them in a relaxed state. Because i was unable to i need another appointment with her where she will teach me how to do it.

Then i went back to the waiting room and talked with the girl i met earlier. A bunch of things came up like how insurance always fucked over trans people and how the communication of the gender clinic could definitely be better. After some time passed, the surgeon’s assistant came to get me for the individual talk (it was the same woman i saw last time). We were allowed to ask questions about the surgery there. My mom went first as she had a shorter list of questions than i did. My mom asked some questions about if she needed to wash me or other things she could do when i can’t move around a lot. I had a lot of questions, but i’ll save those for another post on this blog. After she answered all my questions she checked my genital area to inspect if my hair removal was done correctly. Luckily it was all good so she put me on the waiting list. If everything goes as it’s supposed to go, i’m going to be getting my surgery somewhere in december this year. Yeah it’s a long time, but better late than never right? After that we were done at the gender clinic and we went home.

Diary entry #44 – Genital hair removal

Warning: genital talk (nothing too gruesome though)

So last time i went to my hair removal clinic, i forgot to write a post about it. Now two weeks ago i had my second appointment, so i’ll write about that now before i forget it again.

First a bit of how it went last time. Safe to say it was an extremely painful and an uncomfortable experience. Its like facial hair removal but 10x as painful. As it turned out, i put way too little of the numbing cream on the area, which was the reason i endured ungodly amounts of pain there. Seriously, i was in tears while she was doing it. Anyway, enough talk about that experience.

Two weeks ago i went to the hair removal clinic again but this time i came prepared. I just thought ‘fuck it’ and put the whole tube of cream on the genital area. That might have sounded like a stupid idea, but i’ll tell you about that a little bit further. Anyway, i put the cream on and wrapped my genitals with plastic foil (as instructed by the clinic last time). As you can imagine, walking was a little awkward and tucking my genitals wasn’t even possible. Luckily a long shirt covering that area solved that problem.

So i arrived at the hair removal clinic and had to wait for a bit until the skin therapist (?) was ready. It’s always incredibly awkward undressing in front of a doctor. She was pleased to see most of the hairs already stopped growing.  When i touched my genitals i felt they were indeed numb this time. It kind of feels like your hand is sleeping, but this time it’s your genitals. So atleast i did something good this time. The doctor also asks every time whether i want to hold it myself or if she wants to do it (can’t do laser without a relatively flat surface). Even though i have genital dysphoria, i rather have me hold it myself than some doctor does. I would die of embarassment if she did.

The treatment itself is pretty much the same as with facial hair removal. Add cold gel -> laser away hairs -> take care of the red area (ice pack/creams). And afterwards your genitals hurt for a day or two (it’s manageable though). She also removed some of my facial hair again, even though i don’t have that much anymore. I will keep going until i see no more hairs grow there though.

So yeah, like 6 more appointments of that, painful or not.

Diary entry #43 – Photoshoot

So first a little backstory. At college we have a certain project going on where you have to make your own (media) product with your group. Our project group is making a music app which of course i’d love to tell about but because the idea can be stolen i’d rather not until its finished.  Anyway, a group from another class had transgender people as their target group. So obviously since i was the only transgirl they knew at college i got invited for an interview. They just wanted to know some things about transgender people to get a grasp on what product they wanted to make.

Fast forward six weeks i got invited by that group for a photoshoot. They wanted to make inspirational posters with transgender people on it. Safe to say, i was pretty excited about it. My dad however warned me about that this could turn out badly for me because the poster could end up in places i would not want it to be. The group assured me it was just for college and nowhere else so finally i accepted the offer.

So yesterday i went to the studio where the photoshoot was going to take place. I have to say it was quite hard to find because i stood in front of a gate that wouldn’t open. The place was supposed to be behind that gate. So i pushed some buttons and waited till someone came to get me. One of the girls of the group came walking towards me and told me that the buzzer wasn’t very loud so she didn’t hear it the first few times. She took me inside and we walked towards the studio. It looked like pretty much any photoshoot studio, white background, lots of lights, some props and a very expensive camera. The photographer herself looked pretty young still.

After the first impressions the crew talked to me for a bit to get me comfortable with the idea of getting photographed. After reapplying some of my makeup i told the photographer i was ready. After a few photo’s she told me to put off my cardigan because she couldn’t see my collarbones which was a feature she liked. This wasn’t the first time someone told me they liked my collarbones, i’m not sure why people like it because i don’t think it’s a particularly feminine feature. Anyway, my posture had to be fairly neutral except i had to laugh/smile. After a hundred something photo’s she told me some more about what she noticed about me. Apparently i have a twinkle in my eyes when i laugh, the left side of my face is my best side and my forced laughs look natural. I’m not sure if the laughing thing is a good thing or not.

She must’ve taken over 300 photo’s before she found the perfect one of me laughing. I had a look at it and agreed that that one was probably the best. After i was done another transwoman came walking in. We shook hands and talked for a bit. She told me she was 61 years old and had been transitioning for 12 years. She didn’t look 61 to be honest. She did however totally not dress her age which was pretty obvious. She wore a jean-like skirt and a top that was obviously showing off her boobs. I think not dressing your age is one of the worst mistakes you can make if you want to pass as a woman but i digress. She also asked me if i wanted to be with her on a photo together. I accepted but i was obviously uncomfortable with it. She touched me a few times (don’t worry not on wrong places) which is not ok with me. I really don’t like being touched by people i don’t know.

The crew then wanted to know what quote i wanted to be next to the photo for on the poster. I said i liked “I’m just a girl like any other” as my quote. Might sound a bit dull, but it sounds a lot better and the point comes across more in Dutch. The subtext of that quote of course meaning that i want to be treated like any other girl. The crew liked it and thanked me for helping out with the photoshoot. I also asked if i could have some of the photo’s to which they told me they would send them to me in a few days. Before leaving they also gave me a box of choclates as a thank you gift. After saying everyone goodbye i went on my way home again.

I have to say, doing a photoshoot was pretty cool and an interesting experience. I know you guys would love to see the photo’s but i’ll just have to wait for a bit for the studio to send them to me. I’ll update this post with an image when i get them :p.

Diary entry #42 – Surgery consult

So two months ago my gender clinic told me i was eligible for surgery (SRS). Two days ago i had an appointment about that. First we had to be in a group meeting with other people so that the assistant surgeon could give us some general information about the surgery.  I was quite surprised by the amount of people that were there, there were only four other transwomen.

After a while the assistant surgeon started her presentation. First she was talking about how the male pelvis and female pelvis are different. This was important for us to know because she showed us where the neo-vagina was going to be. She also asked us to find a doctor that gives training of the muscles of the pelvis. The core muscles of the pelvis have to be strong so it holds everything together during the surgery or something.

Then she went on with the actual information about the neo-vagina. She showed us some pictures of the neo-vagina right out of surgery and after a year. To be honest, it does look a bit like a battlefield right out of surgery. The picture of a year after you wouldn’t even know that it was ever touched by a surgeon. So i was quite amazed by that. She went on telling us the risks along with pictures. It was a bit gruesome so i’ll save you guys the details, but the risk of complications is fairly high. And i’m not very amused that i can’t use my bicycle for three months after the surgery because apparently it hurts too much. So that means no surgery during the college summer vacation for me.

As she was done with the presentation she invited each of us in turn for a personal consult. Since three of us were still in the waiting room we started talking. I talked with a 17 year old transgirl who you wouldn’t even know was trans if she wasn’t at the gender clinic. But that’s the benefit of starting at 14 years old i guess.  We talked a bit about our lives and how to get a good womanly voice.

After a while it was my turn for the personal consult. I asked her some questions about recovery time, the waiting list and a couple of other things. It surprised me that the waiting list was only four weeks long. Anyway, she also wanted to do some measuring of my uhh… genitals. According to her i had more than enough “tissue” so that’s a good thing i guess. After measuring we were finished and she asked me to go to another part of the clinic (where the surgeries are done) to sort of set a surgery date. Due to college it’s going to be in summer 2017. I’m just not willing to risk going to college when it’s not fully healed, so i’m going to wait till i graduate. So save that date i guess :p.

Diary entry #41 – The usual endo checkup

As usual, i had to go to my gender clinic again today for an endocrinologist checkup and a therapist appointment. Nothing interesting happened on the way to there so i’ll save you guys the details.

Anyway, when i checked in at my gender clinic’s information desk, my therapist saw me standing there and asked me if i had time to have my appointment right now. I kind of hesitated but after a second or so i was like “why not?”. So i walked into his little therapist room and we started talking. Usually it is just a talk about how i’m doing, but this time i wanted to talk about some stuff too. I told him that i went swimming for the first time again and he was very impressed. Turns out it’s not a thing a lot of transgirls do before having had the surgery. I also talked about how i was doing on my internship and that all my colleagues accepted me and saw me as a girl there. After some more talking he said to me that he wanted to discuss me with the other therapists about if i was ready for “the surgery”. Which means if they give the a-okay i could have my surgery done in half a year. Sadly, my dear readers, it’s not happening for another two years due to college. The recovery period is just too long for one summer vacation.

After being done with my therapist, my endocrinologist came to get me. And surprise surprise, it was yet again another person than last time. It’s kind of weird that i get different people every time. Anyway, she started with printing my hormone receipt and as i looked it over i pointed out that the amount of estrogen was wrong. She, however, was pretty sure that it wasn’t. As i explained her that 11 x 5 was 55 and not 90 she understood that something was wrong here. As it turns out, my pharmacy at home gave me a different brand where the strips have less estrogen pills on them. So they gave the right amount, just for the wrong brand of medicine.

After we cleared that up, one of her assistants started measuring me, as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary, except one thing. My upper arm strength increased by quite a lot (from 34 units to 50). Which is very odd, as i’m supposed to get weaker the longer i’m on hormones. I also haven’t been lifting heavy things or anything lately, so i’m clueless as to why i suddenly got stronger. Oh and my hips got bigger by 2cm (0.8 in). I also had a question for her as to why my boobs had a bit of an odd shape, but she assured me that it was a normal shape for a still growing boob. She couldn’t tell me if they were ever going to get bigger though (they have not grown in the past few months). And with that we ended the conversation and i went home again.

Diary entry #40 – Amusement park & swimming for the first time

So yesterday i went to an amusement park which also had a indoor pool. On that day it was the first time i went swimming as a girl. As always, i’ll write a more detailed version in the paragraphs below.

I woke up at like 8.30 am. My dad wanted to start driving at 9 but that obviously wasn’t happening with me and my brother still half asleep. So I took a shower and put on some clothes. I didn’t put on makeup because we were going to swim anyway and i don’t own any waterproof makeup. Going without makeup felt kind of naked but eh, i also needed to learn to do stuff without makeup on i thought to myself. After packing my bikini and my purse we were done. It was about an hour drive.

Once there my dad showed his VIP tickets to one of the people there. My dad got those tickets because he made a deal of some sort with a insurance company at his work. Anyway, one girl there showed us the way to the VIP parking spots, which was pretty much the same as normal parking really. So we walked to the entrance of the amusement park and saw a stand with the insurance company name on it. After showing them the tickets, we all got a goodie bag which contained a lunch and something to drink.

So we went inside the park and my dad already got mad that he had to go find the lockers to put your stuff in alone (my mom was supposed to go with him). My brother and i went into one of the new rollercoasters. I had totally forgot the feeling of being on a rollercoaster because i hadn’t been on one in like two years. The rollercoaster had a pretty steep fall after climbing (nearly 90 degrees) so the feeling of those G-forces was something that caught me by surprise. Further on my brother, dad and i also went into another rollercoaster which was a lot more mild than the first one. My mom is still scared shitless to go into any rollercoaster at all.

After that we went into something called “the splash” which was an attraction where a boat crashed into the water from a certain height. There were two lines there and one was packed and the other one wasn’t. As my dad doesn’t like waiting we took the short line. Obviously we didn’t read the signs which told you that one boat didn’t have windows and the other one did. You can guess which boat had the biggest line. So after waiting for a bit we got into the windowless boat. We had to pull some kind of thing over our heads in the boat so we didn’t totally get wet. Once the boat crashed into the water we got simply said, pretty wet. My skinny jeans were soaked and water was dripping from my hair. One woman who sat in the back had it really bad, her whole outfit was wet.

Continuing on we went into some other attractions and walked through the park. My brother had read that there was some kind of show around 14.30 on his iphone. We decided that we wanted to go there, but there was still enough time to go into one attraction. My mom and my brother took the monorail and i went into something called the “mad mill”. The mad mill is some kind of swing that goes up and down but the seating area also rotates. After exiting the attraction i was a little dizzy and nauseous. Shortly after it was time for the show, but something was a little bit odd. Why weren’t there any people waiting in front of the show building we thought. It turned out my brother had read it wrong and the show only goes live in certain seasons. So we had waited for nothing.

As a last thing we wanted to go into an attraction with a toboggan in a tube. When we arrived there was already a pretty long line but we decided to go anyway. In the end we waited for over an hour for our turn. The ride was like a minute long so was waiting that long worth it, i don’t know. It was almost 16:30 so we decided to go swimming in the indoor pool in the park to end the day with. So we went back to the car to get our swim stuff and then went into the swimming pool building.

Once there i went into one of the changing rooms with my mom. Luckily there was no group changing room for women, otherwise i think i wouldn’t have done it. I’m way too scared to change in front of other women, because you know, genitals and all. I brought my swim short (because you’d see a little bulge if i were to wear a bikini bottom) and my bikini top and put them on. I have to say i did feel self concious about my body when i wore my bikini. After everyone was done changing we went into the pool. The pool itself was pretty big, with lots of stuff to do (tubes, water fountains, wave pool etc). My brother and my dad split up with my mom and i because we wanted to do different stuff. We went into most of the tubes and relaxed in the wave pool. I didn’t want to go into more of the “extreme” tubes and things because i was wearing my lenses. I chose not to wear my glasses because i still haven’t bought a new one (mine still look male). After spending almost three hours in the pool we went to the restaurant upstairs and ordered some fries and stuff. After that we put our clothes on again and wanted to go home. Sadly, i did lose my favorite belt somewhere in the changing room, i just forgot to take it with me. We were all pretty tired from this day so my dad drove us home.

There also was something that surprised me on this day. While walking through the park, nobody really stared or even looked at me weird. Except one turkish woman, who wasn’t quite sure what gender i was i believe. Even the women at the restrooms didn’t bat an eye. I find it kind of weird, because i see myself as fairly male without my makeup on. So did i pass or was it something else? Who knows. In the pool however, i did notice more people looking at me a bit oddly. I know i’m quite the odd one out when every girl there is wearing bikini bottoms and has enough boobage to make nobody question that they’re girls. Since my boobs aren’t fully developed yet it looks different, especially for a girl my age. Anyway, i’m kind of proud of myself that i had the courage to show myself in a bikini while i’m still very much in transition. In the end, i think i learned a lot of todays happenings.

What i was wearing to the pool

Diary entry #39 – Getting my hair done

So i finally caved in and went to the hairdresser to get another hairstyle. So i let her cut it all off until none was left, so i am bald now. Just kidding, i’m just messing with you guys ;).

So this morning i went to the hairdresser. It was about 10.15 am when i walked in. I had previously made an appointment, so atleast i didn’t have to wait too long. I sat there anxiously waiting, because umm for some reason i decided going in boymode was somehow the best idea in this situation (it wasn’t in hindsight). Once it was my turn the hairdresser asked me what i wanted. I kind of muttered “I want a womanly hairstyle” which she didn’t hear so i had to repeat myself. After she understood what i said  she asked me what kind of hairstyle i was thinking of. I told her i wanted some layers in my hair and she thought that was a good idea too.

After like 5 minutes while she was busy with my hair, i told her i was going to live as a woman for the rest of my life. While waiting for her reaction i showed her my ID-card which of course shows that i am female. After seeing that she was like “Omg that is so cool!”. Out of all the reactions i could’ve gotten, that was not one i expected. So during the rest of the time she kind of barraged me with questions about how things work when you are transgender. As i love educating people about it, i didn’t have a problem with that. Although i’m still not sure why people are obsessed with the question about having “The Surgery”. She also gave me some words of courage to hopefully help me with my life as a woman.

Next to that, she also gave me some tips about make-up and hair. It turned out that i did some things totally wrong with my hair. After she was done with my hair, i was quite surprised with the result. I knew i had kind of curly hair, but not that curly. I had a full head of curls it seemed. She told me to just stop brushing out my curls and just embrace it. A lot of girls would be jealous of having natural curls like me according to her. I wasn’t sure what to think of my curls, but that’s something to get used to i guess. It does look a lot nicer than the “long guyish hair” i had going before. So i thanked her and i had to pay like 20 euro’s which to me was not a lot for what she did to my hair.

Once i got home i showed my new hairstyle to my family. Before seeing it my mother was afraid that the hairdresser would fuck it up, because last time they cut off way too much with me and my mom. Of course that wasn’t the case so my mom liked it. My two brothers were kind of indifferent towards it but could agree that it looked more womanly. My dad also liked it.

It’s kind of weird that a different hairstyle can change a lot about one person’s appearance, at least that is a feeling i had. I look much more like a girl with this hairstyle and in some kind of way it “softens” the look of my face. Safe to say, i’m very pleased with it.

I would post a photo about it here, but my hair kind of got weird during the day because of the wind so it doesn’t look that good right now. I’ll have a look if i can take one in the morning.

Diary entry #38 – Lasers!

So yeah, today i had an appointment at my hair removal clinic. When me and my mom arrived we were half an hour early because we thought the bus would take a longer time to get us there.  After twenty-something minutes i got called by my hair therapist (is that what they call it?) and we got into a little room. She first had me sign something i forgot to do last time at the intake appointment. Then she had me lay on one of those sort of benches (the ones dentists and doctors use) and told me to do some breathing excercises when she would be lasering hair away. This way i wouldn’t focus that much on the pain but instead focus on my breathing.

Pain. That word didn’t sound nice to me and safe to say, i was pretty anxious about it all. I had no idea what kind of pain it would cause and i sure as hell didn’t know what my pain tolerance was. After discussing some things with the hair woman, she handed me some glasses which supposedly protected me against the light flashes of the laser device. After that she put an ice pack on my upper lip and chin so it would numb the area a bit. And yeah that was freaking cold. If i thought that was cold, i was wrong, as she put some kind of gel on my upper lip and chin that was way colder. I don’t know where she got it from, but if she would tell me she got it from the antarctic, i would believe her too. The gel was supposed to make it easier for the laser device to slide around.

So there i was. She picked up the laser device from it’s stand and it read the number 38. I didn’t know if that was high or not but i think it was. As she zapped the first hair away, it didn’t hurt that much so i thought that this wasn’t gonna be half bad. She continued zapping away hairs and eventually she got to the middle of my chin. And holy mother of christ, that shit hurt. It felt like someone was stabbing me with needles repeatedly. I asked the woman why it hurt so much worse at that spot. “More nerves i guess” she said. After a while she was done with my chin so she wiped off the gel and started preparing to do the hair above my upper lip.

If i thought the pain was bad  on my chin, i discovered a whole new world of pain when she started doing my upper lip. It hurt so bad i started tearing up a little. It felt like little lightning bolts going into my lip. I repeated the phrase “remember your breathing excercises” in my head over and over again. Once i started focusing on that, it got a lot less worse. She also told me why it hurt so bad, because apparently young people have a low pain tolerance. After a few minutes more of zapping she was finally done. She put another ice pack on my face to stop any swelling and prevent extra redness. 5 minutes later she told me i was done and told me to look in the mirror. My chin and upper lip area were covered in red skin.

To prevent it from getting any worse, she put some kind of cream on it which caused the burning feeling to decrease. She also went back into another room and came back with some kind of foundation. That was so i wouldn’t look weird on the way home, red face and all. It surprised me that she guessed my skin color right on the first try with the foundation. After giving me some cream to use at home, we went to the information desk to pay. It cost 150 euro’s for just 30 minutes of work, but atleast it’s worth it in the long run. The first two times i’ll have to pay myself, any other laser sessions beyond that are covered by my insurance, which is nice.

When i got home i could already see some hair on my upper lip falling out and i could even pull out some of them. It surprised me how fast that happened.

The result, right after she was done with laser. Much more red than i’d like.

Diary entry #37 – I am now officially called Naomi

Well… since last week actually, but now i actually have my identification card. So let’s start at the begin shall we.

Last thursday i had to go to my municipality to go and change my legal name. During the day i cried multiple times because you know, it felt like losing a part of myself (as explained here). I had my appointment set at 7pm (19:00) so i kind of had to hold back my tears to apply my makeup. As a side note, crying with makeup on does not look pretty. Anyway, my mom and i took the train and it didn’t take that long before we arrived. Even though we had an appointment we still had to wait 20 minutes or so before we got called to one of the desks. After some chit-chat with the woman behind the desk about if i had all my legal documents with me, she wanted to see them one at a time. First off was my therapist letter, which states that i’ve gone through therapy, have been diagnosed as transgender and have the right to change my name. The woman wasn’t surprised as she already knew i was trans (i told her when making the appointment). She read through it quickly and confirmed that it was the letter i needed.

Next up was my passport. My passport had already expired so she just walked to the back and punched some holes through it which is normal with expired legal documents. Of course she did this after she made a copy and wrote down a couple of things. Thirdly was my identification card which she also wrote a couple of things down about. After she was done with that she asked what my new name was going to be. As you can understand i can’t post my full name here so i just said Naomi [middle name] [last name] to her. I only changed my first and middle name by the way. Then she asked me for some photo’s for my new ID-card. I also had to sign it with my signature but here comes the surprise. My signature, due to my new name didn’t quite resemble my initials anymore. So on the fly i had to figure out a new signature. In the end i ended up with something that looked like my old one but just with my new initials. After signing a lot more of paperwork she said i was pretty much done and that i could come and get my new ID-card next week.

On tuesday i got called by the woman that helped me with my name the week before, which took me by surprise. She told me that apparently one of the documents i signed wasn’t the right one and that i had to come and sign the right one on thursday. Luckily this wasn’t my fault, as i was just signing whatever she said was right. I guess she just wasn’t paying attention that much as we were nearing 8pm (20:00) that day.

So today i went back to come and get my new ID-card. Of course she had me sign the right document first because my ID wasn’t considered legal if i didn’t. After signing she handed me my new ID-card. And to be honest i turned out to look pretty good on my photo. Usually photo’s on legal documents look pretty bad and don’t even look that much like you in other situations. They also changed the design, now it has more colors and a 3D photo on the side. The colors look kind of childish for a legal document in my opinion, but i’m not complaining because the rest does look nicer. After signing a document one more time for the archives, we shaked hands and said our goodbyes. She also told me i was the second transgender woman to change her name in this municipality. So now i’m wondering who the other one is…heh. During all this name change business the woman was really sweet to me and not judgmental at all which is always nice.

So yeah… I am officially called Naomi now. Doesn’t feel that different to be honest, but maybe that’s just because i’m not that used to it myself either. Even though it was a big change for me, i do feel happy and content with it now. It also kind of feels weird looking at my old ID-card and my new one side by side, feels a bit like i don’t recognise the “guy me” anymore.

There used to be a picture of my ID-card here (blacked out parts) but i removed it after an hour. I just didn’t want to take the risk of identity theft. That and the side by side comparison with my old photo is too much of a heavy subject for me to show you guys yet. Maybe i’ll re-add the photo later, but for now it’ll stay like this. I hope you guys understand my decision.

Diary entry #36 – Endo checkup again

So yeah, yesterday i went back to my gender clinic for some checkups with my endocrinologist and some talking with my therapist. I have to do this every three months so it’s pretty much a recurring subject here. Anyway…

I rolled out of my bed at 5 am in the morning. My gender clinic likes to always put my appointments very early, but this was their absolute earliest appointment possible. So i walked to the shower like a zombie because i only had like 3.5 hours of sleep that night. Surprisingly, my getting ready routine went pretty quickly this time. It seemed like i finally was getting some speed in my girl routine (hair, makeup and clothing). On the way to the clinic not many people looked at me oddly which means i was “passing” as a girl i guess. It’s kind of a pleasant change in comparison to pre-hrt me where people looked a lot at me.

As usual i was the first one there and it was about 8 am. So i walked to the information desk to let my endo know i had arrived. The woman behind the counter said to me that at 6 months i only get one person to check up on me. Last time it were two people and before that i had one with an assistant. They just keep changing things around there. After a while an endo consultant came to get me. I knew her from the last checkup so it was nice to see a familiar face.

As i sat down in the room she asked me the usual stuff of if i was having any problems regarding the hormones. Of course i wasn’t having any problems so we went on to do the measuring part. So my waist, bust (of breasts), underbust, hips, butt, weight and height got measured there. Apart from my waist, the measurements were pretty much the same of what i posted here on my blog already. Apparently my waist was 2cm slimmer than what i had measured. It kind of surprised me that i didn’t shrink in height this time as i lost 2cm the last time. I also had to circle pictures which resembled the amount of body hair i had on several body parts. I can say that on some spots it’s definitely less than pre-hrt hairyness. Also my norwood scale (baldness scale) is now at 1 or less than that whereas it was nearly at 3 before hormones. To my surprise she told me i didn’t have to do bloodwork this time which kinda was a sigh of relief. If you read the previous checkups, i’m not very fond of needles and blood.

As we were done pretty fast i had an hour left until my therapist appointment. As my gender clinic loves measuring things they just gave me a few question sheets to fill in in the meantime. It were the same questions sheets as the previous two times. They just want to measure if anything changed. I can say that some things lessened (they had like ranges from 1-10) which is good i guess. There was also another transgirl across the table from me filling in the same sheet. She kind of looked something right out of jersey shore (the series, not the place). She had extremely orange foundation on and very overdone eyeliner and lipstick. Her clothes also looked kind of trashy in my opinion. Now i’m all for wear whatever you want to wear, but those kind of people make me wonder. Why make yourself look like obviously transgender while you probably could look quite like a normal girl without all the extra makeup and such? I just didn’t understand.

After being done with the question sheet i went back to the information desk to ask for my hormone prescription. My therapist walked past me as i was asking and he told me he’d come and get me in 5 minutes. It wasn’t even 10 am yet so that was kind of nice of him. What i talked about with my therapist is the usual stuff like how am i doing and if i was having any problems. I am doing pretty well so far so we didn’t spend long talking to eachother.

As i walked back to the waiting room i saw one of my transfriends i knew from skype sitting there. That was a really nice surprise as she wasn’t sure if she could come at that time. We talked a bit about problems regarding being transgender and how we were doing. She also talked about how her recent SRS (sexual reassignement surgery) went. She was doing quite well with walking and such after just 2 months. I hope i heal that fast too once i get mine done. Also the waiting room had a lot of ftm’s (female to male transgender) today which was odd since mtf’s mostly outnumber ftm’s at my gender clinic. But it’s always nice to see people going in the other direction of course. After some more talking with my friend, i picked up my prescription and went home.